My First Wife Puns

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

Orange you kidding yourself?

But then I saw her face.

I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

“No, this is her husband”

...she’s sorry she ever married me.

I’ll hand them to her and say “Here’s the fruits of your labor.”

I Schwepped her off her feet.

The baby was inapparent

The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions

My first official dad joke.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!

Then she told me she doesn’t want lizards in the house. Make up your mind!

I named the second one Repeat.

..and I knew She was a Keeper.

The previous ones were daughterograms.

I went full sexist pig, “YOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.”

She replied coldly, “No, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

I guffawed, “I can’t believe that, show me!”

So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS!”

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

Worst french fries I've ever had.

It was a great way for us to open up.

It was love at first sight.

Back story... sitting in the garden, social distancing bbq. One of our mates has a baby who was looking for food and such. I came out with a pack of skips crisp. Baby’s mum said ‘gotta be careful, it’s got salt in it’,

To my amazement I said ‘ they contain salt!’ To which my partner replies... why do u think there so addictive’

With out thinking i spluted’ so if I put salt on my dick it will be ad-dick-tive!

No one laughed but me.

Flying Saucer

Forked on the first date.

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...

I told her don't worry about it, he came out of me first and it felt fine.

I have serious emotional attachment issues.

Sit just got REAL!

But I explained to her that it was just water under the fridge now.

My wife woke me up this morning to ask me if I wanted a breakfast wrap.

Her: "You want a wrap?" Me: "I'm white, so I'm not too good at it, but I can try."

The disappointed look on her face was magical.

My wife was sitting on the couch, handed me her phone, and said, "charge this". I took the phone and said,

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..."

I woke up and took a drink of water (this tends to make my mustache a lil wet). I roll over and wake my wife with a passionate g'morning kiss to which she exclaims "Jesus! You got water all over me." My reply was simple "You can call me Jesus, I appear to be able to turn water into whine."

Edit* OMG! This is top post on r/dadjokes! I'm glad I can get a chuckle with you guys. I also fixed words.

She says she'll keep me posted

Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now."

I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

But then I saw her face.

So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

But then I saw her face.

So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house

Me: No it’s her husband......

I’ve always had trouble with emotional attachments.

She was wearing massive gloves

I have trouble with emotional attachments.