My Everything Puns

I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.

My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.

I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”

I said " Chucky Cheese"

Who would do that to another person's Advent Calendar?!

He doesn’t drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles...

I am impressed with his shelf confidence.

Tonight I'm putting the mouse in the bathroom.

Is not my strong suit.

We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.

I haven't looked Bach since!

To which I replied “No it doesn’t.”

We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.

Now I have 2020 Heinzsight.

Repete.

It doesn't make any cents.

.....sorry for formatting.

Auntie Matter

Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom

Daughter: sing the theme song

Me: ‘Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

SPONGEBOB THATS WHO!

Now it's sinking

If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery

He always says "Lmao"

But I made this post yesterday that says otherwise.

Obligatory Edit: I have so many people to thank for gold, but I think this says it all.

Dirty Bastards.

It was a bad heir day!

I can’t see myself without it!

I take that as a compliment.

But I know my thyme is cumin

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

They were pirates of the car I be in.

I handed her the dictionary.

i said i stopped giving a shift.

"An excellent question sweetheart!" I said. "But next time, please use the buzzer!"

Her: no you don't. Me: I'll prove it later.

Later that day... Her:dad, can I go to shelly's and play. Me:No. Her: Why not? Me: Because I no everything.

So my mom has a phobia of mice and she found one in my old room (I’m away at college). My dad said he would “take care of it”, which he did, but then the cat killed another one and so she’s upset and was texting my dad things like “I can’t live here knowing there’s mice, it’s been nice knowing you.” And my dad’s first response was “you saying it’s been mice knowing me?” Such a classic dad move, I laughed so hard even though I probably shouldn’t have.

Yep. We are bonding.

How can she do this to me when her cousin has just bought a new coffee table.

It didn’t feel right

I replied, “An excellent question, my dear!! But next time, please use the buzzer!!”

Dirty bastards

He doesn’t drink, he’s just terrible at crosswords.

I take that as a compliment

Me: i stopped giving a shift.

They were pirates of the car I be in!

He wasn't a big drinker, he was just really bad at crossword puzzles.

Dirty Bastards.