Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?

He’s fully recovered now.

(Credit to Colin Mochrie)

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_am_pale
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.

πŸ‘︎ 169
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatGreenGobbo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What is a machine guns' favorite breakfast meal?

A frittata-tatata.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RipVanWinkle_1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
The Turings

Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't put Coins inside the Washing Machine!

It's Money Laundering.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife called me a sex machine

Well, her exact words were, β€œYou’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.

πŸ‘︎ 175
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KangarooMyDoo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I got a new snow cone machine.

It’s really been crushing it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/an_actual_bee
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Using one word, how do you get Doc Brown into his time machine?

Mandalorian

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What did they call the Mexican-Arab slot machine?

The Juan Ahmed bandit

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlcjoe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Yet another job lost to machines
πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlazeMrk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
For Sale...Broken Quiz Machine.

No questions asked.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Mark Zuckerburg failed his Turing Test today.

He doesn't know how to feel about it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MuzzOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.

. ....................But catscan.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cat in a vending machine

Kit cat

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/declandrury
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine

And it sank

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/laurens54321
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a fog machine on sale, but I didn't have enough cash.

It was a mist opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Predestinatural
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?

He wanted his Quarter back.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/randomguy2322
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of fax machine did the Trump Administration use?

An alternative facts machine.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hobbitinterrupted
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Accidentally knocked my grandmas ashes into a fog machine....

She will be mist.

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working.

It doesn’t make any cents.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my personal trainer at the gym, which type of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women?

He suggested, the cash machine .

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
The 20c making machine at The Mint suddenly stop working for no reason.

It just doesn't make any cents

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you type into a time machine if you want to go to Christmas?

Present Day.

I haven't tried it, but pretty sure it'll work.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joepopp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25 You know why?

Inflation

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snidawgg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My personal trainer was upset at me because I kept using the same machine at the gym

It was the vending machine

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
It's the story of a father that invented a machine.

He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : "You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out." The son, very confused, asks : "But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out?" The father proudly answers : "Yes son, your mom."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kidralak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
When the cloning machine worked...

I was beside myself.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TastesLikeGaming
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife has begun writing songs about her sewing machine

She wants to be a Singer-songwriter, or sew it seams.

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotcheetopuffs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
To get to the time machine.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UnchartedQuasar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I may not have the fanciest dough mixing machine...

but it handles all my kneads.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :

I knead one of those!!

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LagartoDorado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a new answering machine.....

What should I ask it?

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the daughter Anakin had after becoming more machine than man?

Elly Vader

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My French pastry machine doesn't work anymore.

It shot crepes

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
The worst thing about driving a Time Machine....

.....is the kids at the back asking, "Are we then yet?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Tennis ball machine for sale. Only $100.

Had it over a year now. Has served me well.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters.

Only Tolkiens

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my chips before I put my money into the vending machine

I guess it's out of order.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/realtonylong
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes...

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoorKidstoys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation.

It doesn’t make any cents.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Dogs can't operate MRI machines,

But cats-can.

πŸ‘︎ 126
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xenonthewizlard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Dogs can’t use MRI machines.

But catscan.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Dogs can’t operate MRI Machines

But Catscan

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Broken pub quiz machine for sale. . .

No questions asked.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Surreal_Stranger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.