Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?
He’s fully recovered now.
(Credit to Colin Mochrie)
My friend writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.
What is a machine guns' favorite breakfast meal?
The Turings
Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks.
Don't put Coins inside the Washing Machine!
My wife called me a sex machine
Well, her exact words were, “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.
I got a new snow cone machine.
It’s really been crushing it.
Using one word, how do you get Doc Brown into his time machine?
What did they call the Mexican-Arab slot machine?
Yet another job lost to machines
For Sale...Broken Quiz Machine.
Mark Zuckerburg failed his Turing Test today.
He doesn't know how to feel about it.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.
. ....................But catscan.
What do you call a cat in a vending machine
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine
There was a fog machine on sale, but I didn't have enough cash.
It was a mist opportunity.
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?
He wanted his Quarter back.
What kind of fax machine did the Trump Administration use?
An alternative facts machine.
Accidentally knocked my grandmas ashes into a fog machine....
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working.
It doesn’t make any cents.
I asked my personal trainer at the gym, which type of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women?
He suggested, the cash machine .
The 20c making machine at The Mint suddenly stop working for no reason.
It just doesn't make any cents
What do you type into a time machine if you want to go to Christmas?
Present Day.
I haven't tried it, but pretty sure it'll work.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25 You know why?
My personal trainer was upset at me because I kept using the same machine at the gym
It was the vending machine
It's the story of a father that invented a machine.
He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : "You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out."
The son, very confused, asks : "But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out?"
The father proudly answers : "Yes son, your mom."
When the cloning machine worked...
My wife has begun writing songs about her sewing machine
She wants to be a Singer-songwriter, or sew it seams.
To get to the time machine.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I may not have the fanciest dough mixing machine...
but it handles all my kneads.
True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :
I bought a new answering machine.....
I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?
He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "
The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Did you hear about the daughter Anakin had after becoming more machine than man?
My French pastry machine doesn't work anymore.
The worst thing about driving a Time Machine....
.....is the kids at the back asking, "Are we then yet?"
Tennis ball machine for sale. Only $100.
Had it over a year now. Has served me well.
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters.
I got my chips before I put my money into the vending machine
I guess it's out of order.
Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes...
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation.
It doesn’t make any cents.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines,
Dogs can’t use MRI machines.
Dogs can’t operate MRI Machines
Broken pub quiz machine for sale. . .
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