Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
Mrs Turtle, my old school teacher...
Tortoise everything we know.
Why did Mr and Mrs Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because thier marriage was the rocks.
I’m afraid you have Tom Jones Disease
Don’t worry there are plenty of other people with it, It’s Not Unusual
My favorite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle
She had an interesting name but she tortoise well
Two limbo players walk into a bar
What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones!
I'll show myself out.
Tom used to fix household appliances for a living, and then he studied hard to become a psychiatrist.
He was a repairman, now he repairs men
Mrs. Dracula, from the living room: "Count Dracula!"
Count Dracula, from the basement:"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..."
I've started a new business where I am building Bible characters from Lego. First up, Isaiah. I hope to make a major prophet.
In the USA it’s called peeping Tom. In China it’s called peeking Tom. What’s it called in the Arctic?
Everyone tried so hard to figure out why Mr. Edwards changed his name to Mr. Evans
But after all these years, it's still a Mr. E
Mr Wood
Dimitrius Wood so mismanaged the lumberyard, that he was left with a surplus of wood. It was such a debacle that if you ever came anywhere NEAR the lumberyard even years later you could see signs that said
“Fire Wood”
My 6 year old daughter was listening to music with me and came up with this one: What is a bananas favorite Tom Petty song?
You Dont Know How It Peels
A pilot named Mr. Flewitt 😆
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
Giving Sub Zero the Mr Freeze quotes makes him not just the coolest of freezy puns, but the frozen one as well.
Who's bigger ? Mr Bigger, Mrs Bigger or their baby ?
Their baby. He's a little Bigger.
I once asked Tom Jones if he ever forgets the lyrics....
He said, it’s not unusual.
I asked my son: "What does Mr. Dog say?"
"Woof" he said.
"Ok, now what does Mr. Cow say?"
"Moo"
"And what does Mr. Owl say?"
"Who"
"You know, Mr. Owl... the bird?"
What did Mr T say to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when they asked who his new girlfriend is?
I have nothing but major props for the guy who came up with this caption
Mrs Hamill was annoyed when her son and I paid her a surprise visit.
She was afraid I'd leave a Mark.
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
Why is Mr. Brightside in jail?
Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the Army is???
Every time I ask someone, they tell me "it's private."
What's the perfect gift for an English lit / electrical engineering major with a lisp?
Why does Mrs. Claus hate Santa?
He has too many ho ho hos
What does mrs Ant call Mr ant?
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer.
I keep forgetting that Tom Petty passed away and it makes me sad
He don’t come around here no more
Why Santa tell Mrs. Claus to carry an umbrella?
I really like that actress in “House of Cards,” “Manhattan” and “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.”
My neighbor, Mr. Coffee, came stumbling into the police station this morning.
Apparently, he had been mugged.
Ol’ Mr. Woodpecker
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
What is Mr T's favorite month?
Did you hear what Mr.T said about the thirsty British impersonators?
I pity the fool who missed their tea!!!
I just told my neighbor, Mr. Claimer he was ugly, but not to get mad.
My wife claims I have 2 major faults
My unwillingness to listen, and, eh, some other thing.
My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle...
Strange name, but she tortoise well .
Santa to Mrs. Claus: do you hear that noise?
Mrs Claus: It's only rain dear.
What did Santa say to Mrs Clause when he saw a thunderstorm?
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
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