A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club"
π︎ 33
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
I really like that actress in βHouse of Cards,β βManhattanβ and βThe Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.β
Iβm a Rachel Brosnafan.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
There once was a family, the Biggerβs. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
Mr. and Mrs. Melon told me the story of when they went to vegas to get married.
At the alter the priest said...
You cantaloupe.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking.
"No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
π︎ 82
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
Santa got Coronavirus this year so Mrs Claus had to take over toy production, orders, and present deliveries.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
I met mr. T and I was very disappointed!
π︎ 28
π
︎ Aug 28 2020
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 07 2020
Why couldnβt Mr. and Mrs. Witch have babies?
Mr. Witch had a hollow weenie.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 25 2019
βMr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Do you want to colour your hair?β
Bond: No time to Dye. Dye another day.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Apr 25 2020
Pacman and Mrs. Pacman used to have a rap group.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 17 2020
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 04 2017
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 23 2020
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 07 2019
Itβs going to be awkward if Mr and Mrs Burr...
...ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
π︎ 79
π
︎ Apr 07 2018
I just crashed my car in a lane between two houses -- one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Ball, and one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Thank god I was dragged out by the Smiths.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jul 13 2018
I make these for Mr. and Mrs. Fix-Its who enjoy imbibing.
π︎ 104
π
︎ Jul 11 2016
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Pitty
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 02 2019
Santa wakes in a start and turns to Mrs Claus
"I just had the weirdest dream, and I can't make any sense of it."
Mrs Claus sits up and replies "Why don't you tell me about it dear?"
"They're I am, doing the Christmas eve rounds, checking in on the workers and I see one of them topping up the sleigh with gas. It's just routine work, but it woke me up tonight. What do you make of it?"
"Oh I see," Mrs Claus says, "very interesting."
"Well?" Santa says expectantly.
"This is a classic example of an elf fuel filling prophecy."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 15 2019
Mr. and Mrs. Einstein had two kids.
Albert: Genius.
Frank; Monster creator.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 24 2018
"Uh yeah I'm walking around your store barefoot and creating a hygiene problem, Mr.foot locker employee."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 24 2019
Was painting with the Mrs. last night and...
...she told me that we didn't have a color we needed.
So this morning I said "I had a dream last night that I found that color for you, but when I woke up I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination."
Got a groan from her, mission accomplished.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jul 17 2014
I told my therapist that I dream every night of fighting Jason Bourne and Mr. Ripley.
She said, βItβs ok. You are just battling your Damons.β
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 15 2019
You guys hear Eddie Murphy and Mr. Potatohead are doing a movie?!?
They named IοΈt Spuddy Professor
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 05 2019
The famed psychic and staple of late night TV Mrs. Cleo died recently.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 03 2019
Mr. Jones loses his poultry and drove of pigs in a vicious coyote attack one night.
Upon hearing the news, his neighbours and other farm owners decide to chip in to help him through a tough time.
With high hopes and heavy pockets, they reach Mr. Jones' farmhouse, only to see him merrily sipping lemonade on the porch. Confused, a person from the horde asks him, "Aren't you devastated?"
To which the farmer says,
No ham, no fowl
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 18 2018
When Mrs. Exclamation told her husband This that she was pregnant with her second set of twins, he was very excited. As had happened with her first twins, the babies looked nothing like their father. He didn't realize it though, and once again she put his name on the birth certificates.
Now This raises more questions.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 02 2018
Who came between Mr. D and Mr. F?
π︎ 63
π
︎ Mar 12 2018
For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 28 2018
I got a second job to pay what I owe to Mr. Clinton and Mr. Cosby..
It's ok. It pays the Bills.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 25 2018
Vintage pun from Robert Louis Steventon's "The Strange Case of Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde", 1886.
"ΒIf he be Mr. Hyde,Β he had thought, ΒI shall be Mr. Seek.Β"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 08 2016
How bad was Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin?
Well, he put the entire franchise on ice.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 26 2013
Mr Barbeque and Miss Chocolate
My wife and I were driving through town when we passed a store named Mr Barbeque. I told her that it's a good store, but Mrs Barbeque claims all the credit.
After she grumbled for a while, we passed another store just a few blocks away, called Miss Chocolate. I explained that this was Mrs Barbeque's maiden name, she opened it up after she left Mr Barbeque. It was a very bitter divorce, she lost all the sugar in the settlement.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 26 2015
He's going to college for mechanical engineering and MR degrees.
Friend: What kind of orange is that?
Me: A navel orange?
Friend: So how is that different from an army orange?
Me: ...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 11 2014
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
Janes Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
π︎ 139
π
︎ Dec 27 2019
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
James Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 13 2020
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
James Bond: No thank you. Dye
another day.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 27 2019
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asks"hey Mr. Seal, what would it be?"
The seal says,"anything but a Canadian club"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 28 2018
I took a second job because I owe money to Mr. Clinton and Mr. Cosby...
It's ok.
It pay the Bills.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 22 2017
Mr. Wong and his wife were delivering a baby.
The doctor said, "Mr. and Mrs. Wong, the baby is white." Mr. Wong responded, "impossible, 2 Wongs don't make a white."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 16 2014
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