Mothers And Sons Puns

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”

Dad: “Four shore!”

The difference is apparent.

After 30 minutes of the session the mother says, “I’m going to go. My back is really sore.”

The son replies, “Namaste.”

Son: gets annoyed by a bee*

Dad: you got a friend in bee!

It was a chain reaction

I guess we're letting out a Cy

Well if I wasn't it would be a bad joke.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

We named him Shaft, because he would patrol the house every night before finally coming into our bedroom to make sure we were tucked in safely.

After my wife gave birth to our first child, she noticed that the cat would check on me and our son, but was no longer checking to make sure she was tucked in safely.

Several nights pass where Shaft all but ignores my wife on his nightly patrols. “Hunny, have you noticed that Shaft started ignoring me once our son was born?” she asked.

“I have, and I’m not surprised,” I replied. “You see this cat Shaft is a bad mother tucker.”

To set the scene: we were all in the car, a 3-row vehicle, on the way back from a 7-hour road trip. Occasionally my son would get bored and decide to harass his siblings in the middle row. Six hours in, I was done with telling everyone to behave.

My daughter: "Dad! <Son> is throwing things at me!"
Me, exasperated: "Tell your mother, I'm driving."
Daughter, without missing a beat: "Mom, Dad's driving."

I almost had to pull over from laughing.

Wife and other son were far ahead of us on our walk.

Him: “Hurry, let’s catch up”

Me: “But what if I want to mustard?”

My boy loved it so much that we caught up to them, he told his mother what I said. She rolled her eyes and laughed.

a sister becomes sister in law, a father becomes father in law, a mother becomes mother in law, a daughter and son becomes son and daughter in law, .

But, what does wife become?

Wife becomes the law.

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

She gave birth to a boy and a girl but the delivery was very intense and she went into coma for a few days. When she woke up the doctor told her about the twins and that as she was in coma for long, her brother named the kids. She said,"Oh God! Not my brother, he is a stupid idiot."

The doctor told her that he named the girl Denise and her mother said,"well that's not too bad, what about my son?"

The doctor replied the boy is named DeNephew.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”

Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

So, my sister is having her final tests on high school (I'm in college and have a really cute son with my girlfried) and got home today with a weird look on her eyes. Me and dad were having some sandwiches and watching The Empire Strikes Back (Star Wars marathon hype!). I looked at her and asked what happened, she immediately responded "I'm tired as fuck." By that point, I looked at my dad. He was looking at me, with a sparkle on his eyes. We both stood up, walked to her and said together: "HELLO TIRED AS FUCK, WE ARE DAD" Even my mother started laughing. It was hillarious.

I said, if you drive you are a driver, if you hop then you are a hopper, so if you cook you are a cooker.

my son to his mother: Dad and I are hookers!!

So I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, and then I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then she hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother

The son looks up at his dad and says, "Hey, dad? Am I a 100% polar bear?"

The dad says, "Yes, son."

A few minutes go by and the son again asks, "You sure? Like all the way?"

The dad gets annoyed and says, "Yes, 100%. Your mothers a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, so you're a polar bear. Why do you keep asking?!"

The son responds, "Cause I'm frickin freezing!"

My wife was getting ready for church and I was in charge of dressing the kids. I got my son dressed and told him to go tell his mother.

Son: "Daddy and I are best buds".

Wife: "That's great to hear".

Son: pulling on his sweater and upset "No, we're best buds".

Wife: "I know, you said that before".

I walk in with a matching outfit "No, we're vest buds!"

Mother:Oh don't worry son, we love you for who you are

Dad:*clenches fists and twitches

Mother:Please don't do this

Dad:begins to have a spasm

Dad:Hi gay I'm dad

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

Tonight at dinner, she looked at our 13 year old and said "We should make buns for Thanksgiving"

He paused for just a second, then responded "So, that would be mother-son bunding time?"

She sighed.

Apparently my son is the ultimate dad joker, as his instant reply was my hair. Much to the amusement of his mother and brother. For me the game was over and done with... 😂

My son had just been born, I'm talking freshly cut cord. My mother comes in to see him and notices a bottle of baby shampoo on the table.

"Ooh is that Baby Magic," she asks.

"Nah, he's just an ordinary baby."

Then I realized I was a real dad.

Dad randomly chuckles and says "If Sidney Crosby kidnapped Rick Nash's son, it would be Crosby Steals Nash's Young." I laugh, girlfriend and mother groan.

Just before his son got married, Dad decides it’s time to, have the talk. He says “ Son, 30 years ago when I married your mother. I knew I had to let it be known, who wears the pants in this family, and as soon as we got home, I took off my pants and tossed them to her to put on. To which she replied” I can’t wear your pants.” I told her “ That’s right and don’t you ever forget it.” Son decided to follow that advice because, his mom and dad have had an amazing marriage.... So,as soon as he and is new bride crossed the threshold. He sends her to the bed, takes his paints off, and tosses them to her. As if planned she says” I can’t wear your pants”. To which his reply was“ That’s right and don’t you forget it.” As if turned on, she pulls her panties down really slow and then tosses them to him to put on. To which he replied “I can’t get in your panties.” And the new bride boldly said “ and if you don’t change your attitude... You never will.”

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

Son: "What? Yes, totally!"

Dad (turns to look at mother tenderly): "I think she's a lovely and beautiful woman, a good wife to me, and a good mother to you."

Son: sigh.

boy is getting ready for summer camp

mother: I packed butter, bread, and 1kg of nails

son: but why?

mother: what do you mean why? put the butter on the bread and eat it.

son: ok, but what about the nails?

mother: don't worry, I already packed them!

Uh son, your mother and I and getting a divorce

My dad: So there's this family of moles, who live underground of course. The mother mole comes out of their hole and says, "Oh, it smells like syrup out here." Then the father mole comes out behind her and says, "I think it smells like honey." Then their son comes out behind both of them, but he couldn't fit out of the hole, and he says, "Well to me it smells like molasses!"

Doctor: "You had twins! A boy and a girl and they are both fine. We let the brother name them both for you"

Mother: "Oh shit, he's an idiot! What did he name my baby girl?"

Doctor: "Denise."

Mother: "Oh.. That's not too bad. What is my sons name?"

Doctor: "Denephew"

Son: "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."

Son rolls eyes: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."

Dad: "I slipped in cider."

My wife comes into the room where I'm changing our first son, and says, "Whats up."

I, busy and slightly frustrated with his wet clothes replied, "Urine trouble."

Afraid that this was indication of her bad mothering she asked, "What did I do?"

Took us a couple minutes to get through that one.

My 4yo son posed this question to his mother yesterday after watching Moana (again). Since he's 4, he slurs the 't' a bit.

I immediately without hesitation or remorse blurt out "In between the Toesies!"

My wife says she'll need therapy and a support group.

Sitting around the dinner table with my parents, my wife, and my 8 month old son. As Mom cleaned up the leftovers, my Father asked her how much meatloaf was left, to which she responded "none of it". Dad quickly quipped "Nunavut? That's in Canada." Mother rolled her eyes as dad continued, "I've never been there though..." I didn't waste my opportunity: "How much of it have you seen, Dad?" He too quickly replied "None of it" realizing his folly as the last word escaped his lips. He looked down and tried to swallow his smile, which only made us both explode with laughter. My mother couldn't have been more ashamed. I'm still chuckling.....

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."