When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
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︎ Aug 20 2020
How do one-armed mothers raise their kids?
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︎ Aug 28 2020
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
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︎ Aug 09 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
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︎ Aug 04 2020
Your mother couldnβt believe that an actual skunk could predict the future.
But it was a real fortune smeller.
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︎ Aug 26 2020
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
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︎ Jul 28 2020
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
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︎ Aug 18 2020
Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problems with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about eating the mother of two.
But upon further consideration he was gladiator.
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︎ Jul 12 2020
My motherβs leg was amputated 2 years ago. I wrote this punderful post to make her smile. It was more than successful and also impressed her doctor.
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︎ Jul 14 2020
My wife's mother is a lawyer.
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︎ Jun 14 2020
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
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︎ Jul 13 2020
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
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︎ Jul 24 2020
If you call your mother ''MUM'', then what do you call your mother's elder sister and her younger sister?
Maxi ''MUM'' and Mini ''MUM''
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︎ Jul 23 2020
My sister may be a single mother but she had an amazing dad joke..
She was giving my niece (3) and nephew (6) a bath. When they were done, the kids used their towels as capes and were running around naked yelling 'we are super heroes!!'
My sister responded with, 'I don't think think there are any naked superheroes... Except maybe The Flash.'
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︎ Jul 02 2020
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.
The doctor called in the womanβs brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.
When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious.
She said βOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?β
The doctors replied βWell, the girlβs name is Denise!β
βOh, thatβs not so bad! And the boy?β
βDenephewβ
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︎ Jun 12 2020
A player asked why I shut down the soccer game suddenly when his mother started cussing and yelling...
I replied, "ask your mom. The reason is a parent."
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︎ Jul 21 2020
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing paren
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︎ Jul 01 2020
I get my deep well of empathy from my mother, obviously.
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︎ May 13 2020
Signed, Horshack's Mother.
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︎ Jun 06 2020
My wife showed me two of her motherβs quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, βI refuse to make blanket statements.β
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︎ Jun 11 2020
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said βYeah. And my hot dog isnβt bad eitherβ
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︎ Jul 04 2020
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
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︎ Jun 24 2020
Dad: βSon, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.β
Son: βWow really? Can I come too?β
Dad: βFour shore!β
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︎ Jun 18 2020
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
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︎ Jan 29 2020
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her itβs so he can cut corners
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︎ Jun 24 2020
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
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︎ May 18 2020
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
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︎ Jun 13 2020
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
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︎ May 13 2020
Your mother's been turned into a bed.
You put her out of her misery and commit matresscide.
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︎ Jun 13 2020
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
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︎ Jun 21 2020
and that kids is how i met your mother
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︎ Feb 20 2020
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
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︎ May 09 2020
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
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︎ May 09 2020
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall"
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︎ Apr 23 2020
My mother sent this to me...
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π
︎ Aug 23 2019
I told my dad, βDonβt forget tomorrow is Motherβs Day!β
Dad : Donβt forget itβs son day too.
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︎ May 10 2020
I donβt know why I couldnβt convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Motherβs Day.
I made several good points.
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︎ May 10 2020
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
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︎ May 10 2020
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
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︎ May 21 2020
What did the redditor say to his mother while waiting for her to get the automobile out of the garage?
Get the kar-ma!
Iβll see myself out.
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︎ May 11 2020
Motherβs and Fatherβs day only happens once every year
But Son day happens once every week
π︎ 5
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︎ May 11 2020
As a child I lost some family members to choking. My brother choked, my mother choked and now I find out that my.....
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 14 2020
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 01 2020
What is Darth Vaderβs Motherβs favourite song?
Mum mum mum, mum mum mum, mum mum mummmmmmm
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︎ May 12 2020
I just discovered that Cardi B's mother was one of the Spice Girls.
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︎ Apr 19 2020
In The Matrix, Neo's mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
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︎ Dec 03 2019
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
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π
︎ Apr 30 2020
Me and my mother-in-law's relationship in a nut shell.
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︎ Feb 22 2020
I left it late to get a gift for my mum for Motherβs Day. Ended up at a petrol station. I bought her some Lorry Oil...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 24 2020
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
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︎ Apr 19 2020
I learned the name of Baby Yoda's mother...
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π
︎ Dec 03 2019
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
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︎ Apr 28 2020
Is mother is ravioli in her grave
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︎ Mar 21 2019
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
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︎ Mar 10 2020
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
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︎ Jan 30 2020
What is a frustrated motherβs favorite month?
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︎ Jan 19 2020
A little boy watched, fascinated as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing that on your face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful!" said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
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︎ Mar 15 2020
What happens when your mother disappears without a trace?
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︎ Jan 15 2020
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 08 2020
A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there, he's not misbehaving"
The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then"
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︎ Jan 23 2020
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
π︎ 21
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︎ Feb 26 2020
I got my mother a new fridge for her birthday.
I canβt wait to see her face light up when she opens it
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π
︎ Sep 24 2019
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
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︎ Feb 15 2020
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 26 2020
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain βdonβt you give me that altitude!!β
π︎ 28
π
︎ Nov 25 2019
My mother is on a sea food diet. . .
She seas food and she eats it.
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π
︎ Jan 13 2020
When Chuck Norris was a baby, his mother called him Chuckie.
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π
︎ Mar 14 2020
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 18 2020
What does Charlie Sheen call his mother?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 18 2020
What's sometimes your mother, sometimes your father and always made of glass?
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 10 2019
I went to dinner with a cannibal family I know. The conversation was flowing. Their daughter suddenly piped up βMummy I donβt like Nannyβ. The mother replied...
βWell leave her on the side and just eat your vegetablesβ.
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︎ Jan 24 2020
Dyslexic boy asks his mother for a mcdonaldβs, she goes only if you can spell it, he then says okay mum Iβll have a kcf
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︎ Nov 22 2019
βHow dare you disobey your mother!β
a father yells at his daughter. βDo you think youβre better than I am or something?β
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︎ Feb 05 2020
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didnβt, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
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︎ Aug 09 2019
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I
drove pasta.
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π
︎ Jan 02 2020
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
What do you call a small mother ?
π︎ 132
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︎ Jan 17 2020
Fatherβs Day and Motherβs Day only happens once a year, and thatβs so unfair...
Son Day happens once a week.
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︎ Apr 09 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jun 27 2019
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
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π
︎ Nov 11 2019
My wife asked me which one of her motherβs quilts I preferred.
I said, βI refuse to make blanket statements.β
π︎ 28
π
︎ Feb 11 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Aug 16 2018
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
What's sometimes your mother, sometimes your father and always made of glass?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 10 2019
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