What did the police officer say when she caught a man peeing on the side of a building?

Urine big trouble mister!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TitanPhoebs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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What was Bruce Lee's real first name?

Nobody knows - he was always a Mister-Lee.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I went to an outdoor mall today and there was guy misting water at people as they walked by. My wife quickly avoided him.

Mister mister missed her.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Domestic Skills

When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.

She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."

πŸ‘︎ 329
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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I was examining a lad's driving test.

At the end, he stopped us outside the test centre.

"You know," I began, "alcohol really impairs someone's judgements..."

The lad's lip quivered, "But I'm not drunk, mister."

"No," I replied, "I am, and you've passed."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I had a very good math teacher. He was an integral part of my life. It doesn’t add up that I can’t remember who he was.

He is a real Mister Riemann.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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A Martial Artist is outside on Halloween.

Kid: that’s a big bowl of candy mister!

MA: Yeah, but you can only taekwondo.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tylerjk01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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What did the bladder’s mom say to him after he broke her vase?

Urine big trouble mister!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freak329
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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Proud dad moment... my 8yo daughter secretly made me a birthday card yesterday after I put her to bed

What did the grape say to MisterB78?

You’re such a grape dad!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterB78
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder...

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder. While the seasoned prisoner at the top watched for guards, the new prisoner went down the ladder first and slowly. Once the ladder was clear, the seasoned prisoner slid down in just three seconds, then he scolded the new prisoner for being so slow. The new prisoner replied, "Well, look at mister con descending here."

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/43-48-45-45-53-45
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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My friend Victor recently changed his last name to β€œE”, but no-one knows why…

He’s become a Mister E…

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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Two Farms

There was two farms next to each other, separated by a long fence. The two farmers were called nick and Barry. They were both very resourceful farmers, using each and every square inch of land to grow on. Both would tend to their crops twice a day every single day, and became friends. However, both farmers were penny pinchers, and would often try and take a few extra crops from the other side of the fence, which lead to arguments. One day, Barry came out to tend his crops, but nick did not appear once. This continued for several days. Both sets of crops continued to grow, along and up the fence, eventually intertwining. Both farmers were growing wheat. After around 5 days, Barry came out and to his delight, saw nick tending to his harvest. However, this delight soon changed to frustration as he saw nick taking extra crops from his side. "Where have you been, and what do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed. "I'm taking in my wheat, and I haven't been out for a few days due to illness. I've been feeling queasy and dizzy when I stand up, with a throbbing pain in my head each time. But it's ok, they're only headaches." "Oh I don't think so mister" said Barry.

"Those are my grains!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/harryjrogers20
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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Captain Kirk finally came up with a name for his invention: a cross between a hose nozzle, a spoon, and a fork.

He called it Mister Spork.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gecko_echo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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If a sprinkler head identified as female...

...would it still be considered a mister?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
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Paging

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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The restaurant.

Billy: Dad, should we leave a tip?

Dad: Oh, your right! I forgot about that.

Dad: Waiter!

Waiter: Yes, mister? Are you ready to pay?

Dad: Yes, and here's the tip: don't do drugs.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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It was 9pm and my wife was being kicked by our unborn baby.

I said, "Hey mister, it's past your bedtime. Go to your bed-womb".

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soques
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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Welcome to Jamaica

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica. The man was in a bathroom, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No mister that says 'Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day'."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJ2205
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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The skin on my lip was coming off...

So I pulled some of it off and jokingly handed it to my dad saying: "Here you go Dad"

His response: "Don't you give me any of your lip, mister"

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LegendDan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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What do you call a teacher who is always late?

Mister Bus

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KitchenTable99
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2018
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Getting seated at a restaurant with dad...

We're getting seated outdoors. It's hot and in AZ so there are misters (mist sprayers) everywhere.

Waitress: I can put you at a table under one of the misters...
Dad: Do you have one under a Mrs?

she didn't even chuckle...

πŸ‘︎ 230
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bullroarer_Took
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2013
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Dadjoke from memory

Allow me to regale you with a couple tales illustrating my late dad's sense of humor. Last names faked because I'm not that stupid.

.

(1). At a routine PTA meeting about me in my Georgia school, everyone found themselves packed into a hot and stuffy room waiting for the boredom to end. Shoulder to shoulder fun, can you picture it?

My dad lets one rip. It's loud, smelly, and echoes. The room falls silent as the fart invites itself unfavorably to the nostrils of those in attendance.

He turns to my mom and with his best shocked face says, "... Patty!"

I like to think he slept on the couch that night.

.

(2). During my old man's wait for us to arrive at the new home he had bought, he had to deal with ongoing construction and roughed it at a hotel for a few nights. He was a retired Master Chief Machinist's Mate, so cramped quarters reminded him of the sub's nuclear engine room. No biggie.

An interview comes up for a civilian nuclear power plant nearby, and before you know it my dad's sitting before these stuffy, serious, wrinkly old board members and managers, having his (mostly military) resume picked through.

"Well Mister Smith, we're impressed. Twenty two years is no small amount of time to dedicate to the service. But do you feel you're qualified to operate and audit a civilian fission power plant?"

My dad thinks on it for a second.

"Well no, sir, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

He got the job immediately.

(For those needing the reference)

.

Thanks for caring to read. I miss him a lot and this subreddit always reminds me of his sense of dry, quick humor. Take care!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Morvick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
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We need help finding Mister T's brother!

So far no one has any idea where he is. It's Mister E.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Real_Schmidter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2017
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My dad dropped this one on me and my sister while in the car today...

"The other day I rear-ended a car, and a midget walks out looking all pissed. He says, "Mister, I'm not happy!" So I reply, "If you're not Happy, which dwarf are ya?!"

The best part is, after every dad joke my dad tells, he finishes it with "I don't care who you are, that's funny." No dad, just no.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/so_very_special
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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You "mist" it.

We where at Safeway in the produce section my wife was looking at something random and i noticed the produce misters came on. I Exclaimed to my son hey look at that. My wife and son both started looking around over by the misters and asked "what?" I said "never mind you mist it" got some looks and eye rolls from the people next to us as well as my wife haha.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grin-n-Barrett
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
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Dad joke at the zoo

My family and I were touring a zoo/safari park, and looking for the elevator that would take us down to another area of the park. We were walking near an older couple, and the woman pointed out to her husband that the elevator was just ahead past the mister (there were various places throughout the zoo where a pleasant mist of water helped keep visitors cool). The man responded, without missing a beat, "That's Mister Elevator to you."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/et11robot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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My dad ringing a friend:

Dad (it appears the friend's son answered): Hello, this is mister Wallbanger, is Mr Wall there?
Child on phone (probably): Uh, no?
Dad: Is Mrs Wall there?
Kid: No?
Dad: Are there any Walls there?
Kid: No??
Dad: Then what's holding up your house?

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lojak_Yrqbam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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So my younger cousin wet his pants..

He's 4 years old and walked into the kitchen while I was at my aunt and uncle's house. My aunt saw him and got slightly irritated because this was a problem she thought he had gotten over. She goes to talk to her husband about it:

Aunt: Keegan had another accident honey.

Uncle: Oh did he now?

Aunt: Yes. And I'm making dinner, so can you please deal with this? (at this point she is still pretty ticked off)

Uncle: oh I'll deal with it. Keegan come here.

Keegan walks over

Uncle: Urine a lot of trouble mister. Can't you pee that you're pissing your mother off?

My uncle proceeded to laugh uncontrollably at his own joke while my four year old cousin stood there looking really confused and my aunt walked away with her arms crossed, angrily trying to hold back her laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WanderingMexican
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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Caller ID

phone starts ringing, says its a telemarketer from "MO"

me: Dad, MO is Montana, right?

Dad: No, its Missouri.

Me: Why MO? Nobody notices the "O" in Missouri.

Dad: There's a lot of other states that start with an "M".

Me: What about MR? What does that one stand for?

...then my dad looks at me and smiles and says "Mister"... I rolled my eyes and went back to my room.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnbornValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
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I've just been dadjoked. Send help.

Dad:(Talking about his dentist appointment) They told me I'm getting false teeth.

Me: Oh yeah? That's good, it'll make things a lot eaiser for you.

Dad: Yeah I know. They'll be like the stars and come out at night. (Does dadjoke laugh like Mister Krabs)

I left the room in the middle of our conversation.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iammilke
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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My dad's go-to joke.

A rabbit walks into a bakery and asks: "Hello, do you have carrot cake?" The baker responds: "Well sorry, but I don't have carrot cake." The next day the rabbit comes in again and asks: "Hello, do you have carrot cake?" The baker answered: "I am sorry dear rabbit, I don't have carrot cake." The next day the rabbit comes in again: "Hello mister baker, do you have carrot cake?" The baker answered with a smile on his face: "Oh yes, I do have carrot cake!" The rabbit: "Tastes horrible, doesn't it?!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
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My friend Victor recently changed his last name to β€œE”…

No-one knows why.

He’s become a Mister E.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
🚨︎ report

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