Mind reading?

Of course not, I love reading!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2shoesnotfellows
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Keep an β€œoh, pun” mind when reading these imgur.com/gallery/77vgu/n…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aj1223
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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I'm working on a device that can read minds

I'd love to hear your thoughts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir-Fntrf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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Did you know cats can read minds?

Its pawsible, very pawsible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RufusHalloween
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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Why you can't read minds. (Credit: how.how)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetropolisCourier
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes

It Taurus apart

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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??
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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What does the electrician say when he meditates?

Oooohm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/w0zzie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Did you know certain fish can read minds?

It’s called β€œTilapiathy”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beardwithablog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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Ya know, I saw superhero on the street once, he was in line for a hotdog, read this guys mind and saw that his head was in the clouds, and he just pushed in front of him!

If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NukulerNicky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Funny how this didnt CROSS my mind until I read this genius pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrankTheTank107
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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I’m currently working on a machine that can read minds

I’d love to here your thoughts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMemeGod13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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I can read you're mind

You are thinking about my grammatical error.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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My wife asked me, β€œAre you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”

I said, β€œActually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

Me: "Word"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KimJongEwww
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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Pun request!

Sorry if this is against the rules (doesn't appear so from what I read), but I'm looking for Gyoza puns. My attempts have been a bit lame so far. Thought I'd try the hive mind here if any takers? If you've goyza any please share!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mediashiznaks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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🀯
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tyrosh22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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This is unbearable
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bagel76
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?

Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
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Thanks for explaining the word β€œmany” to me.

It means a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alixcamille
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice it when you replace random words with musical instruments.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreninjaTube
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
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Albert Einstein was a genius but his brother Frank was a true monster
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StillPurpose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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r/dadjokes is recruiting moderators, join us!

Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)

-

Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,

Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.

Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.

So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.

Answer these 3 questions in your reply:

  1. How would you describe a dad joke?
  2. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
  3. You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?

Only apply if:

  • You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
  • You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
  • You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
  • You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
  • You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)

We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:

  • You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
  • You've got some automod experience
  • You've got some sub-customisation experience

Don't apply if:

  • You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
  • You're more concerned about Internet points than real people

We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitGuySentMe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Joke’s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since it’s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didn’t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldn’t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapist’s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that he’s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/murlockerLOL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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After a bug hit my windshield...

Dad- "I'll Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nottydane
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
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A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender said β€œHey”, then the horse β€œyou read my mind buddy.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marsharlot
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic Β Abbott and Costello Β routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Β The skit ends with a simple β€˜read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill. Β This routine was done Β many Β times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10 Β 
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right. Β [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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The Inca could not read [OC]

Daughter: Dad, did you know that the Inca didn't have a writing system? Instead, they used a system of knotted strings to communicate?

Me: So the Inca could (k)not read?

D: I said they could read!

Me: No, you said that they could knot read! Make up your mind!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nrith
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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So, a local theater is doing a performance about puns this weekend. Anyone want to go?

Never mind. I just read the reviews. It looks like it's just a bad play on words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbantd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Got my girlfriend asking her to carry me

I was reading the relationships ask reddit thread and read some to my SO. I came across a comment saying

"Don't look for a girl you want to treat like a princess, look for a girl you want to treat like a partner.

Its very true. I don't mind carrying my SO, but I need to know she can carry me if I feel down."

She looked at me and said "can I carry you sometimes?"

And I said "of course you can, sometimes I don't like walking."

She glared at me and then proceeded to get off the bed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Draked1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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My dad dropped this on my mother last weekend

As my mom started pulling out of the gas station, the chime started going off. She looked down at the dash and read out loud "passenger door is ajar." My dad responded with "make up your mind. Is it a door or a jar?" We then high fived.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mistapiss
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
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I don't know, CAN you?

I just texted my dad, "can i call you when i get out of work?" (Nothing serious) I'm at work right now and the way we file prospect students in the admissions office i work at is by the last three letters of their last name and the first letter of their first name. Before my dad could answer in dad-ways, i read the next file and it said "KAN U". I rolled my eyes when i heard my dad say "I don't know, can you?" In my mind.

The message had already been sent and dad's were uniting.

You guessed it, he replied in exactly that manner.

If you don't understand English grammar, which most people don't, I should have said "may I?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/apfeldaisies
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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You know who can read my mind?

I can read my mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OriginRobot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
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Horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey!" The horse replies, "You read my mind!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/windowlicker1234
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2017
🚨︎ report

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