Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of a Million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of a million , what will you do?
Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day.
I got a mail saying that I won a million dollars because I could read Maps backwards
I thought to myself, "That's just Spam".
My friend called me and said he lost the million dollar prize because he couldn't think of a neighbor to Saudi Arabia...
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
Changing a dollar bill to quarters by cutting it into four pieces
I bought a wig for one dollar.
It was a small price toupee.
I walked by a lobster shack, the sign said $2.00 lobster tails. I paid the man 2 dollars
he begins; once upon a time there was this lobster.....
Sand dollar
At the beach today and daughter found the remains of part (1/4th) of a sand dollar. She said, "I think it's a sand dollar, can you hold it for me?"Not wanting to carry it around, I said no. "Besides, it looks more like a sand quarter to me. Throw it back in the ocean and tell it to keep the change."She rolled her eyes and ignored me, deciding to keep it anyway. On the way home, a tiny part of it chipped off and she showed me, disappointed. I said, "That doesn't make any cents." She told me to shut up.
Yesterday my son was biking behind me and I swerved around a plant but he went straight through it. He told me the plant hit his face. I replied, "So you're telling me you face planted?"
My two kids don't take me seriously anymore.
I won a million dollars
I didn't even spend a penny because i had to wake up and pee
Daughter: "Why don't we just round everything to the nearest dollar? It would make everything so much easier."
Me: because hunny, it makes no sense.
An UDDER day, an UDDER dollar
What do you call a million dollar idea?
If I had 50 cents for every math Exam I failed
I keep all my spare change in a wire box. My 1 cent coins, my 10 cent coins, my 25 cent coins, even my 50 cent and dollar coins. But never my 5 cent coins.
Because it's my Nickel-less Cage.
Did you hear about the Franciscan Friar who inherited 30 million dollars?
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
50 cent is boutta be a dollar
I won a million dollars playing the lottery and donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.
What should I do with the remaining $999,999.75?
I asked God, “How long is a million years?” He said, “A minute.” I asked God, “How much is a million dollars?” He said, “A penny.” So I asked God for a penny and he said.,,
I was working in my shop, when one of the cashier came up to me and said, "These 2 guys came in and tried to give me some fake $100 dollar bills."
"What did they look like?" I asked
He said, "$100 bills."
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
As a kid I could walk into a store with a dollar and come out with 2 candy bars and a bag of chips
And now they have cameras.
Everyone knows how JK Rowling made her millions.
I like to stuff dollar bills in my belt.
They tell me it’s a waist of money.
at the beach, i found a broken sand dollar, and i turned to Daughter, and said, hey i found a rapper...
she immediately responded, "50 cent"
it was rewarding because i could visibly see her internal groan at dumb dad joke, but then also self-horror that she was so quick to get the joke... win-win-win!!
It’s too late to make Suez Canal jokes now
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?
Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..
Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.
My brother won 5 million dollars on the lottery, then promptly spent it all on a solid gold, jewel-encrusted garbage can.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday.
The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
So my hotel just tried to charge me ten extra dollars for air conditioning..
I went on Deal or No Deal hoping to win a million dollars.
But that turned out to be not the case.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
Her: You’re such a liar! You said you have between 10 and 15 million dollars.
Him: I didn’t lie. I have 25 bucks.
I’m working on making my second million dollars
What do you call a lizard with a million dollars?
My wife said, “You’re one in a million, Hon
...Go get the Johnson and Johnson vaccine!”
I was talking to God. "How longis a million years?"
God replies, "To me, its about a minute."
I asked, "How much is $5 million?"
God replies, "To me its like a penny."
I asked, "May I have a penny please?"
God replies, "Wait a minute. "
If Dollar Tree stocked "golden calf" figurines, it might be renamed "I Dollar Tree."
Did you hear about the guy who hid millions of dollars in his washing machines?
He was arrested for money laundering.
I owed my friend $20 so I gave a few dollars, some loose change, and a few small pieces of fried chicken
NEWS reporter “Australian border security caught teens trying to import 400 million dollars worth of ice”
Dad “if I knew ice was worth that much I’d put more in the fridge”
The first million people to send me a million dollars, will get a copy of my guide.
Of how to become a millionaire from Reddit.
I bought a wig for a dollar......
It was a small price toupee.
I keep all my spare change in a wire box. My 1 cent coins, my 10 cent coins, my 25 cent coins, even my 50 cent and dollar coins. But never my 5 cent coins.
Because it's my Nickel-less Cage.
I once made a belt out of one dollar bills.
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