Method Man & Redman Puns

Iron Man stops the bad guy, Aluminum Man foils their plans.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

The man replied, “Why thank you kind sir, but my name’s not Frost.”

You might be arrested for vehicular man’s laughter.

A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.

At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.

On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem.

The CEO says to the man, “we know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you.”

The man says right back to the CEO, “I’m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decision” and walks right out of the room.

Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says “I’ve made my decision. Let’s go with the shipping method.” This shocks the CEO, who says “are you sure?? This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it.”

The man looks back at him and says “well, in this business time is money— so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than tater”

Because Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to shuck with

Police believe he tried to top himself.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”

The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)

Each has a cigarette, but nothing to light it with.

So one man throws his cigarette into the water, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Now I know why they call me a ladies' man.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is

Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.

The man asks "is this good for wasps?"

The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail, the man says his name is Terry. “Terry? That’s a girl’s name!” You laugh. Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin Terry

‘Sure.’

‘Oh no! Kryptonite!’

‘That’s Superman.’

‘Thanks man. I’ve been practicing.’

Lovely man, terrible delivery driver

A man who lays with another man should be stoned.

My dad passed away about 3 years ago. Now that I am a dad as well I thought I would pass on his favorite joke, bear with me cuz its long, but worth it...

A poor man who lives in a straw hut wants to to impress his neighbor. So he works for 3 months, enough to buy a fancy chair at the market. He calls his neighbor over for dinner one night and has him sit in the chair at dinner. He asks his neighbor, " isn't this a very nice chair? " To which the neighbor replies "it's okay i guess"...

Heartbroken, after the neighbor leaves, the man takes the chair upstairs and puts it in a closet and thinks.. maybe it was not a nice enough chair...

He then works 6 months, leaves his little straw hut and hitches a ride to the city and buys an extravagant chair with velvet padding. Once again he has his neighbor over for dinner, this time the neighbor says "it's nice, but I've seen better"

Sad, the man stores the chair in the upstairs closet. But the man could not be deterred.

He then worked for an entire year, left his little straw hut and went all the way to the capitol and bought a gaudy, gold painted chair with lion motifs and silk pillows.

The neighbor comes over to dinner and says. "Wow, what an ugly chair!"

Furious, the man grabs the chair, marches upstairs and throws it in the closet with such force that his entire straw hut collapses.

I guess people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones...

He's only a fifth of the man he was.

But at the door there was a sign saying no chocolate allowed. M&M hesitates.

"Hey guys, I might skip this one. I'm a chocolate. I'll catch you guys later" Skittle and Jelly Bean protest. "Nah man, you'll be fine, you're candy on the outside. Come in with us, it'll be fun!" Says his cousin Skittle. "Yeah, if anyone has a problem with you, we'll look after you" says Jelly Bean.

M&M decides he will go in, encouraged by his friends. They all have a good time, and no one mentions anything about M&M being chocolate on the inside.

The night is going well then suddenly the front door bangs open and in walks Vick and his gang of vapour drops. The party goes quiet as Vick surveys the room. His eyes stop on M&M.

"What the fuck are you doing M&M? Can't fucking read the sign? No chocolate allowed."

"But I'm candy on the outside, it's OK, right guys?" Protests M&M weakly. Jelly Bean and Skittle back off into the shadows, leaving M&M by himself.

" I think we need to teach this smart ass chocolate a fucking lesson, let's take this outside." Says Vick.

The vapor drops grab M&M and drag him outside and start beating him up, cracking his shell through to his chocolate. The gang walk away leaving M&M barely conscious on the lawn.

The next day in hospital, Jelly Bean and Skittle come to visit their friend, feeling bad for him. "Why didn't you guys stick up for me?" Asks M&M. "Man, you know Vick, there was nothing we could do, he's fucking menthol."

Wonderful man, terrible geologist.

"Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

The waiter says "Oh look at that. There is too sir."

"Well what's it doing there?" The man replies

"I believe he's doing backstroke sir"

I'll show myself out

The old man replies, "YOU'RE scared?! I'm the one that has to walk back alone!"

And man my grandma sure is taking it hard.

I’m worried about my cousin. He’s 28 with a good job. Has a lot in common with me (nerdy habits: board games, gaming conventions, anime etc). Unfortunately I have recently learned that he is one of those poor souls obsessed with Belle Delphine. Apparently it started out innocently enough. My cousin is into cosplay. He’s into girls. Ooh, there’s cosplay girls on the internet? What began as a YouTube channel subscription and a few dozen likes on Instagram has progressed into something much more serious. This man is spending money. My cousin’s social media accounts have recently featured pictures of him with his Belle Delphine merch. T-shirts, body pillows, there’s even some kind of bed spread/comforter with her googly-eyed tongue-outy face on it. Did you know that Belle Delphine briefly partnered with Tom’s shoes for a limited edition series of footwear? I knew that, because my cousin won’t shut up about how he bought them all. He’s got at least three jars of dirty bath water and a gaming keyboard with her face on it. It’s really sad. I think the isolation of the pandemic really exacerbated his behavior. He says that he and Belle are destined to be together. For my part, I’m telling him that this isn’t healthy behavior, and I’m encouraging him to seek counseling. I’m convinced he has a mental health issue like Obsessive Love Disorder or Erotomania. Afterall, he does have all of the Simp Toms.

Barkeep: "Can I help you, stranger?"

Dog: "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw"

Man 1: With great power comes great electricity bill.

Man 2: Watt a powerful message

Full Kudos to the original post below

https://i.imgur.com/EAkxfPC.png

https://www.reddit.com/r/technicallythetruth/comments/o9ehn7/shockingly_true/

The guy behind him notices that the seat is empty and asks why.

"My wife recently passed away. We have season passes and she never missed a game" the man said.

"I'm very sorry to hear that" replied the man behind him."Couldn't you have invited one of your friends to come with you to fill the seat?"

"Oh no!" The man replied. "They're all at the funeral".

The driver was a surprisingly short man who came stumbling out and walked up to me and said "I am not happy"

To which I responded "well then which one are you?"

The waiter asks him what he’d like to order. The man says, “I’m not sure what I want.” The waiter says, “How about the duck?” And the duck says, “I’m having the lasagne.”

"You have cancer and alzheimer's," the doctor finished.

The man sighed and said, "Well, at least it isn't cancer."

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"

The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.

"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"

Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.

"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"

Man: "Doc, ya gotta help me. I keep having this reoccurring dream".

Doctor: " Hmm... Tell me what is troubling you".

Man: "Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a Tee-Pee, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Tee-Pee, I'm a Wigwam. Over and over again".

Doctor : "I know exactly what the issue is".

Man: "Really? Well what is it?"

Doctor: "You're two tents".

It was a man-date.

Man: “Mind if I say a word?” Friends Wife:”Of course.” Man: “Plethora” Friends Wife: “Thanks, that means a lot”

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌

It's a movie about an old man turning his house into a hot air balloon

"When can you start, if you get the job?" asked the man.

"That is correct," I replied.

There was a blind man at the dog park walking his service animal. The blind man stepped in poop. I guess you can say he didn’t see shit.

I thought man, this takes me back.

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!

A garbage man was doing the rounds one morning. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch. — G‘man says: “Hey! Where’s ya bin?” Guy: “I’ve been in Florida.” — G‘man: “No, no. I meant where’s ya wheely bin?” Guy: “I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve been in Florida.”

Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. Told him he’d probably find him a lot quicker if he used both.

I asked her if he was fast
Because he's the ginger beard man

My wife took me to get a pedicure and sent picture to the family group chat and was teasing me i about what color polish I was going to get. My dad chimed in, "green so he can hide on a pool table like an elephant"

It's already weird to be a grown man in a nail salon, giggling uncontrollably doesn't help.