My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said β€œany means necessary.”

To which I replied β€œNo it doesn’t.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshStartGo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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I went to a restaurant on the moon

I mean, the food was great, but the place had absolutely no atmosphere.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xSlashNZx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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I'm a jealous boyfriend.

My girlfriend and I were shopping for groceries for my place at whole foods yesterday and she was reading a list of things to buy. In the middle of the list was "Fungi". "Fungi? You mean mushrooms?" I asked. "No, we need fungi. Wait, we don't have to buy it. I have Chinese fungi at my place" she replied. "Hmmm. I don't like that you have a Chinese fungi at your place" "Why?!" "Well, how would YOU like it if I had a Chinese fun girl at my place?"

She laughed out loud. She's a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_c_a_l_k_h
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2015
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Father in law in the store.

So we're Swedish and this joke only works in Swedish (sorry). We went to buy some food, and the word liver has 2 meanings in Swedish ( lever - live and liver) So I said (pointing at the liver) Liver. He walk up to it and stares at it... And then he says nah looks pretty dead to me...

Sorry probably not so funny for you non sweeds..

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OHDEERGOAT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2014
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Dad jokes are worldwide

I'm brazilian and in Brazilian portuguese is very common to ask something from someone (mainly food) by saying "me dΓ‘ um pouco/pouquinho disso?" (which means "would you give me a little of that?")

Everytime I do that to my dad, he uses two fingers to take the tiniest possible slice of the thing and give to me in my hand or plate with the most serious face possible. If I complain he procceeds to say something like "you asked a little, didn't you?". My mom everytime laughs at that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lKauany
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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Dad joked my wife. She got me back.

Driving to the store with my wife, we had this conversation.

Her: "We just have to get milk, eggs, and some other staple foods."

Me: "Maybe that's why your stomach is always hurting..."

Her: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Because you eat staples!"

Her: "Yeah, gotta keep my shit together somehow."

πŸ‘︎ 667
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πŸ‘€︎ u/desearcher
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
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[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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I was at a Mexican restaurant with my fiance....

Went to dinner at a nice Mexican restaurant with my fiance and ordered a taco, burrito, and enchilada combo plate. When the food came I asked her,
"Is it just me, or does this seem bigger than an inch?"
(Her) "What do you mean?".
(Me) "Well it's call an 'Inch-a-lota'....".

Needless to say her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she sighed the ultimate sigh of dad-joke disappointment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/katos913
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2017
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I one-upped my dad in a dadjoke-off.

We ordered Chinese food last night, and my dad and I love spare ribs. My dad pulls out the bag with the ribs and plops it on the table, it makes a "Thunk" sound and I jumped "Wow! There are a lot in there!" I said.

My dad smirks and says "Ribs? I bet we got a whole chest!" He began to snicker a little at his own comment.

"What do you mean a chest? They are clearly in a bag!" I answered. The look of pride and anger in his eyes was one I will never forget.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaLinSka
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
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Talking to my co-worker about Indian food....

Me: I can't believe you don't like Indian food! I love the bread it's so good!

Co-worker: I don't really like bread so...

Me: So ... I guess that means you are naan a fan

Co-worker proceeds to give me intense glare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Decakebaker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
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Pulled a nice one at dinner with my mother (may be confusing for non-Spanish speakers)

We went out to eat at a Cuban place and my mother had ordered some food with a side of tostones (a plantain dish). She complained that they had too much garlic to which I made a joke:

"Yeah, as soon as you bit into it, you tatsed the garlic and were like , 'Β‘Ajo!'"

(Β‘Ajo! is a Spanish exclamatory similar to "ooooooh" or "oh my goodnes." It doesn't have a direct English equivalent but that's what it means. The Spanish word for garlic also happens to be ajo, so I made a pun playing off the dual meaning of the word. Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. )

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicCam
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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As the wife and I are talking about potential homes we are looking at...

She mentions she likes the idea of more acreage, but doesn't want a big yard we would have to maintain.

I mention that a big yard will mean more sun in an area, which opens the possibilities of building a bigger garden & greenhouse.

Then add: "it's food for thought."

I think I heard her eyes roll, yet she admitted it was a logical point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarbogman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
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Got my girlfriend

We were at a bar getting food and there was a tennis game playing on tv.

Girlfriend: I wonder if Djokovic is single

Me: Probably not. I mean, to him, love means nothing.

Girlfriend: Wow that is such an old joke.

Me: I guess I'm not a good Jokervic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeonNytrox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
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Tomatoes

I feel pretty proud of this one.

Classmate to the entire class, interrupting the lesson: "Did you know that tomatoes went to the Supreme Court to decide if it was a fruit or vegetable?"
Me: "Don't you mean the food court?"

The class laughed pretty hard. I am only 15, so I'm not as good as some of you out there, but I am practicing!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Howzieky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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Ordering food with my Dad

Me: "Hey dad why don't we order some food from that new Mexican place?"

Dad: ^In ^a ^serious, ^angry ^tone "Why, it'll take FOREVER!"

Me: ^Rather ^pissed ^off "What the hell do you mean, they're right down the street?"

Dad: "But you said it was in New Mexico!" ^Breaks ^out ^into ^laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JizzCreek
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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The dogs are out of food she said

"The dogs are out off food honey" said my wife. "you'd better go get some this afternoon or we'll have a mutiny on or hands" she insisted.

"Don't you mean a muttany?" I'll see myself out, the site to the store then.

The whole time thinking "oh man the dad's on reddit are gonna love this one"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Note2scott
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
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3 4 5

Context:

  • I currently live and study in the Philippines

  • One Philippine Peso (β‚±) is approximately 1/40 a dollar. Go check the conversion ratio if you doubt.

  • A single stick of this choco wafer stick right here (called Stick-O) usually costs at about β‚±1

  • I study in a college where student organizations are prevalent and their means of collecting funds is by Fund Raising Activity, i.e., selling consumables to students (usually food at exorbitant retail prices)


Every single time when I see an organization member doing his/her FRA selling Stick-O's, I ask...

Me: How much is that?

FRA: Three for five.

Me: β‚±3 for 5 pieces?

They chuckle in shame. They then correct me:

FRA: No, 3 pieces for β‚±5 pesos

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πŸ‘€︎ u/francis_0000a
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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One of my friends showed his dad aptitude over lunch today.

I had to run a couple of errands between then and now, so my memory might be a bit fuzzy, but I'll do best.

Friend 1: "Sarah"

Friend 2: "Shawn"

Future dad: "Sam"

Sarah: There is no good way to eat a taco. (There is a dismembered taco sitting on her plate.)

Shawn: I know, right? It's seriously the worst-designed food, like, ever.

Sarah: Back in [hometown], there's this restaurant that sells authentic Mexican tacos. There's no grease or anything, just chunks of chicken with guacamole and salsa and a bit of cheese on top, and it's SO GOOD. I really shouldn't even talk about them, it's just making me homesick.

Sam: You mean you shouldn't taco 'bout them?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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Told a Dad joke to answer my aunt's question

We were camping and setting up a tent thing to cover our food.

her: i wonder which way the rain will fall (meaning which side it'll hit)

me: ...uhh down?

her: ...wow

mom: go ahead and slap him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tajacama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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My old friend's dad's goof on early 80's politics will take your heart hostage.

Once upon a time in the 80’s, the religious supreme ruler of a middle eastern country fled outside military forces seeking to strip him of his power using whatever means necessary. Fearing for his life, he was secretly smuggled into the US where he reluctantly shaved his beard and attempted to blend in.

He successfully went native and got an apartment, and soon realized he needed a job to pay for food and rent. He didn't want to do any sort of manual labor or serve others, as he craved comfortable control. He eventually became a toll booth operator, where he enjoyed sitting in his high chair, making people pay him so that he would grant them passage. Over time he grew bold and began to use his own judgment on what vehicles would pay him for his blessing to cross.

One day, two semi-tractor trailer beverage trucks were in his line, a Pepsi truck in front, and a Coke truck behind. The Pepsi truck pulled up and he said "Pepsi truck, you may pass for free." The Pepsi truck driver happily accepted, and over his CB radio told the Coke truck driver β€œThis guy just let me through for free!”. When the Coke truck pulled up, hoping to also pass for free, the toll booth dictator said "Coke truck, you will pay me 100 of your American dollars."

The Coke truck driver was livid, and said "You let that Pepsi truck pass for free! You want me to pay 100 dollars?! That’s outrageous! I am going to report this! What is your name?!" Our toll booth operator proudly replied "Ayatollah Cokemainly."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllUpInMyRizznus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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Greek Yogurt Dad Joke

I was talking to my parents about what food I can eat in the morning, and how I'm pretty much limited to Greek Yogurt.

"Whats the difference between Greek Yogurt and Regular Yogurt?" Asked my dad.

"The bacteria is more cultured." explained mom

"What does that mean? Do they listen to classical music and frequent the art museum?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chicken1672
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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I was complaining about eating poorly to my father today...

...and he said: "Don't worry, you'll be back on your seafood diet soon."

I asked: "What do you mean?" because I had never been on a seafood diet.

He promptly replied: "A seafood diet- you see food, and you eat it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Queen-Celeste
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
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