I recently moved into an igloo and my friends threw me a housewarming party…
My family and friends always say when they call my house they're never sure if it's me or my teenage son answering.
It really confuses me, I never have that problem when I call the house.
My wife asked me what my friends and I are doing after we get our glasses.
I told her, “After that, we’ll see!”
Me and my friends tried to enter a vegan club
Unfortunately the bouncer did not lettuce in.
I moved into my new igloo, and my friends threw me a surprise house warming party!
Me and my friends were driving from New Jersey to New York through the Lincoln Tunnel. My wrist hurt once we were out
The doctor said it was Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
Someone handed me and my friends a song by Twisted Sister
I said that we're not gonna take it
Me and my two friends decided to do it beneath a tree that day...
I was making country puns DENMARK, one of my friends, all of SWEDEN started RUSSIAN into my talk , Mark yelled, “UGANDA be kidding me what are you GHANA do with these puns?” IRAN out of patience and said KENYA please shutup and be KUWAIT. ?
Beer is on me, I said as I and my three friends walked into a bar...and I ordered...
Me and my agronomist friends started a new 80s rock cover band
we call ourselves the dire substraits
My friends keep unfollowing me on Snapchat and I don’t know why
Me and my friends recently started a space program.
Sadly, it didn’t take off
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks “I wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says “maybe Norway?” My final friend asks “do you thinks she’s Finnish?”
I boastfully reply “I fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”
One of my friends recently told me he’s bored and looking for a fun new hobby. I suggested getting involved in political protesting.
Me and my friends first day as a lumber jack
Me: Hey mate wood you mind if I ask a question
My friend: sure, axe your question
Me: I’m making an account on timber (tinder) can you help me?
My friend: sure just put you’re username etc. (you know the basic stuff) and then if you ever get a new phone you could just log in
Me: sweet
Ik this is bad I never make puns also I don’t mind criticism
Became a parent recently. Asked my friends for some advice and they just told me to wing it and see where it goes.
According to my wife, throwing the toddler across the room was not the way to go.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: Now that’s an order of magnitude!
My friends and family came together and bought me a “most average guy” trophy.
All my closest friends and my wife call me dickhead...
It's because of an unfortunate username.
A pod of porpoises moved into the harbor near my town. So, me and my friends decided to go camping on the beach to check it out. We brought beer for us and some raw fish to feed the pod. Everybody had a great time. You could say it was a party
for all in tents and porpoises.
My friends grandfather asked Me if I wanted to see a picture of his "pride and joy"
When I said yes he pulled a picture of the cleaning products "pride" and "joy". The man carries these pictures in his wallet at all times.
Me: and this is my house My friends: what's upstairs?? Me: stairs don't talk....
I've been listening to Pink Floyd's The Wall lately and my friends tell me I need drugs to have a good experience with it
But I don't think I need anything at all.
Me and my dyslexics friends when a video is forbidden to minors
I told my friends I had an ant-phobia, and they told me they felt the same way....
..but I suspect they were just saying that because they're actually just sick-of-ants.
My son came up to me the other day asking for the biggest newest iPhone because all his friends had one. I turned to my wife and immediately told her I got my blood test results back I got done earlier in the week.
I turn back to my son and say “it turns out, I’m not made of money”.
I was going to buy the drinks for me and my friends tonight
I just never got a round to it.
My Brother just texted me saying he felt bad because his friends from California are saying he grew cold and distant.
He’s currently getting a masters degree in Alaska
Me and my organic lab partner are good friends. Our classmate asked if there was something going on between us...
I said no, we just have good chemistry.
She doesn't talk to me anymore.
My son Cyril told me and his mother that he wants to hang out with his friends
I guess we're letting out a Cy
My friend asked me if I had been to any good seders lately. (A joke for Jews and friends of Jews)
I said I had a ways back, but it passed over.
My dad said stuff like this in front of me and my friends all the time..
"Hey Coltron57, I stood up for you the other day." "You did? What happened?" "Someone said you ate shit sandwiches, I told them you couldn't have, you don't like bread".
Friends were making fun of me and asked if my mom still puts my name on my socks..
"Yeah but I think she forgets my name sometimes, all of them say Hanes."
When I was little, my dad would ask me and all my friends this one. It took me a long time to realize it made no sense, but he still (15+ years later) insists that it's completely logical.
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of the legs is both the same.
Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet...
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”…
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