As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head
It's awful to see someone you love mugged.
On Father's Day, my wife and kids woke me up, lifted their coffee cups and said, "You're great, splendid, magnificent, superb, fantastic"
Me: What's this?
Wife: When I asked you what you wanted for your father's day breakfast, you said 'just a coffee and synonym toast'.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
I've made the best cups of tea in the world... What can I say?
What does a pirate say when he gets a match on his dating profile?
The Belorussian Premier League is the only Football league in Europe still playing matches, despite the COVID-19 pandemic.
I heard the atmosphere in their stadiums is contagious.
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
I heard that Cricket matches can last for days...
No rest for the wicket, I suppose.
Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.
Some guy coated all his cups and plates in black varnish.
You might say he japanned his china.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked if I wanted to masturbate in the cup
I replied: I know I am pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet
It's a shame the scoreline for the Italy-Switzerland match isnt the other way round
That would've been so much SUIITA
At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..
..to find exactly 32 of them.
How do you know if you're in a cafe that makes a real good cup of tea?
I had to finish the last half of my golf match naked.
I was only dressed to the nines.
How do cups get their money?
I googled "What can you make with 50kg of sulfur?"
Two man walk into a coffee shop, one of them orders a Cup of Tea and starts stripping.
The man behind counter says: what the hell is this?
To which the second man says: he's new to Tea
I am so glad Tinder found me a match
Because yesterday I lost my lighter.
Drinking a stranger's cup of tea...
...is really not my cup of tea.
Russia managed to win the first match of the World Cup after Putin a lot of effort.
While at Starbucks, I said I didn't want the sippy cup lip.
They gave me my drink and said "this is the last straw."
I matched with a piece of steak and went out with it.
You could say that it was "meat" cute.
Optimist: "That cup is half full."
Pessimist: "That cup is half empty."
Engineer: "Why are we making the cups so big?"
Why does it take one match to start a forest fire....
....but a whole box to start a camp fire.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
You are lost in winter but find a cabin. You find it has a fireplace, a kerosene lamp and a stove, but you only have one match. What item in the cabin do you light first?
Itty bitty t-cup committee
What is always the score at the end of a “best-of-three” match?
One won one, and one won two.
I recently played in a Star Wars themed cricket match.
Every time the ball was delivered the Umpire struck back.
My wife and I decided to get matching ink on vacation, so I got a tat
The eBay search tool is useless. I wanted to buy a nice cigarette lighter for my Dad..
.. but all I got was 20,000 matches.
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
Hawaiian Food Puns - Help Requested
Hi punsters! My wife and I would like to request your help for naming the following party food items with Hawaiian puns. We are hosting a Hawaiian themed baby shower for my wife. The plan is to put tags next to each item.
Ex: Poke bowls: Gotta catch ’em all
Cheese Dips
Salsa Dips
Tortilla Chips
Chocolate Covered Strawberries
Nutter Butter Cookies
Samosas
Cake Pops (shaped like coconuts)
Cup Cakes
Coconut Trifles
Edible Arrangements (Cut up fruit)
Thank you!
My wife and I are a great match...
For example I have a 9 inch penis and she doesn't know which way round to hold a ruler.
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no matches or lighter. What do they do?
They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Matched with a girl 14 days ago
Had a strong opener at the time but now it’s two week
What does a cannibal make in the morning to help get them going?
Give man a match and you'll keep him warm for a minute.
Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I spilled my cup...
... and all I got was this tea shirt
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