What is a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir/ Madam,

It has come to our attention that this IP address has been used for illegally downloading content.

Therefore, your account will be blocked, pending further investigation.

Sincerely, The Internet Provider.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2021
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A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot on sale for $50...

β€œWhy so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, β€œWell, this bird used to live in a brothel, and occasionally it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided that for $50, she just had to have the bird.

She took the bird home, hung the cage up in the living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, β€œNew house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought β€œMeh… That's really not so bad” and laughed it off.

When her two teenage daughters got home from school, the bird saw them and said, β€œNew house, new madam, new girls!!!” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then laughed about the situation – considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

A few moments later, the woman’s husband got home from work. The bird looked at him and said, β€œNew house, new madam, new girls, welcome back Keith!!!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2021
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Customer: I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Sorry madam we only take cash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wallygonk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2021
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Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."

Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me.

"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2021
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Thousands of people are waiting outside of Nadame Tussauds in London

They are waiting to get waxinated...

Edit: misspelled Madame, but can't change the title

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Viktooos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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The opposite of cancer...

Is cannot madam

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoonlyXo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Police officer informs a wife that her husbund has been found drowned in a vat of beer.

The wife said "was it murder"? The officer said "no madam it was suicide" The wife said how" can you tell"? The police said - "On the cctv your husbund climbed out of the vat 5 times for a pee!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Knock knock!

Who’s there? Madam, Madam who? Madam foots stuck in the door!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Who was married to Saddamn Hussein?

Madam Hussein.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/userioso
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2013
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True story only the names have been changed to protect the sassy 3yo.

Miss3: mummy I want shake shake song (Taylor Swift - shake it off.

Mummy: and mummy wants her breakfast first miss3.

Miss3: and I want a million dollars mummy.

Cheeky little madam!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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butterfly themed name puns

Okay, punmeisters. I need to come up with as many butterfly-themed name puns, and have run out of ideas.

Here's what I have so far:

Mary Posa (Mariposa=butterfly in Spanish)

Coco Oon (Cocoon)

Poppy Ong (Papillon?)

Larry Va (Larva)

Madame Butterfly/Monsieur Butterfly

...mainly I need at least one more guy's name.

This is for a comic I'm doing where all the henchpeople inexplicably have butterfly names.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/globgob
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2013
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Doing healthcare IT support this morning...

An end-user learning a new system wanting to initiate an outgoing letter to a patient: "How do I start a letter?"

Me: "Usually with 'Dear Sir or Madam...'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Klopfenpop
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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I'll passionately block a river for a french female clown

I'll dam it, Madame It, damn it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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dj'd the lady on the phone

(...telemarketing lady asking for my info)

her: Sir, can I have your surname please?

me: Of course, but madam, can I have your madam-name first?

She goes silent for a few seconds and resumes to her protocol while in her voice, I could feel her rolling her eyes and nodding her head in disbelief.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pixelfrenzy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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