I'm in favor of the US converting to the metric system

You could say I'm a pro-grammer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dlight98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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My dad (grandpa): I'm having the solar guy come over today, we're going to redo the whole system.

Me (dad): You're going to redo the whole solar system?

My dad: Yeah, we're gonna put in a new transformer and replace some cable and add some panels.

Me: But where are you gonna put Jupiter?

My son: Daaaaaad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebardingreen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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Patient: Doctor, I swallowed some rope last night Doctor: Have you got it out of you system yet? Patient: I'm a frayed knot
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolmarco
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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I'm not impressed with out solar system

I only rate it one star

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ServalSpots
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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I'm going to start a company that builds houses with the best security systems on the doors and windows.

I will call it, "Sure-lock Homes".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schlagzeug
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?

Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days

I said it must be my weekend immune system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuxCassandra
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Remotely Yours

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed β€œyes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCandIO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Why did all those dancers during the halftime show wear those masks?

The singer had a Weeknd immune system.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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What causes people to have anxiety?

An over-active nervous system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiggerNutthole
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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What did the ice cream maker use to water his garden?

A sprinkle system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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What did the farmer get his wife for Valentine's Day?

A sprinkler system and it irrigated her

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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I figured out why I am so shy and awkward

A main part of my body is called the nervous system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pokebandit91
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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I asked you to pretreat those pants, you better not try to make the puppy do it..

or else I'ma start singing "WHO LENT THE DOG ZOUT"

(Alright I think these are out of my system... no promises)

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Alligators can grow up to 15 feet

But most have only four

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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Why don't cows get sick?

They have a good immooon system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you find the right book in a library that was caught in a flood?

Using the mildewey decimal system!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BootsyBootsyBoom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL Older forms of English kept Latin’s gender-specific suffixes -tor and -trix; tor is for men and trix is for women. So a male pilot is an aviator, a female pilot is an aviatrix. A male fighter is a gladiator, a female fighter is a gladiatrix.

This contrasts with the modern system, where tor is for both men and women, and trix are for kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neffability
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Food contamination warning!

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prawncracker92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.

He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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3 engineers were arguing about who designed the human body

1: it has to be a CompSci engineer, judging by the brain’s complexity

2: you’re wrong, it was a Mechanics engineer, look at the muscle and skeleton systems working as one

3: you’re both wrong, it was an Urban Planner, otherwise waste and entertainment areas wouldn’t be adjacent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstharothaZe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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Scientists have noticed that patients who have the cold feel better on Saturdays and Sundays.

It’s the weekend immune system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the computer programmer order all her books?

By the Dewey Hexadecimal System!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Handman47
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Imperialically good joke

If the metric system is so smart then why are all of the scientific breakthroughs measured in milestones

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B1tninja
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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The Semi colon is an important part of what?

The Semi-truck’s digestive system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ra1ds4ad0w
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I programed a new application on my robot that simulates anxiety I call it...

The nervous system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Scientists found that the nervous system doesn't actually exist.

It's just a lack of the confidence system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeggiesForThought
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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The methadone clinic has cancelled urinalysis screenings for the rest of April

Unlike the grocery store, the clinic isn't adopting the "curbside pee-cup" system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saltoftree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space.

Terrible joke, only 3 stars.

Edit: I've been told there is a triple star system and a binary pair so it may be 6 star joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Memelord2131
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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Two farmers were talking. "Mate, why do all your sheep have those black stripes on their sides?"

" It's my new counting system, see that special collar on me dog, it's got a camera and it scans the sheep as the dog rounds them up. "

"Damn me, what'll they think of next? What's it called?"

"Baa codes mate"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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Probiotics are a critical part of your diet

The health of your digestive system is too important to leave up to amateur biotics

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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Why haven’t aliens visited yet?

They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iFlyHighh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A couple of puns I made up for my dad

Me: Why is Eurovision going to look so good on TV this year?

Dad: Why?

Me: Because it’s 2020


Me: Plumbing is like the digestive system of a house, and turning on the taps is like it going pee.

Dad: Okay?

Me: Let that sink in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Am-the-Cold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act…

It was an automated phone system which said, "Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
🚨︎ report
My boss said, β€œI find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, β€œIt must be my weekend immune system.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Boss: I find it highly suspicious that you are sick only on weekdays.

Me: It must be my weakened immune system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My boss asked why I only get sick on work days

I said it must be my weekend immune system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weiderman316
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I get sick on work days only

Because I have a weekend immune system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow__987
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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For some reason I always get sick during holidays.

I must have a weekend immune system...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GAZUAG
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss said "I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays."

I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivanshu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What part of your body is worried all the time?

The nervous system...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaltyLemon404
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report

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