A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."
It’s been years since the show ended, and I’m a little annoyed that people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I’m not sure why people refer to women’s privates as a flower
Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
I’m not saying he’s dumb
But he does think an asset is a little donkey.
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
I’m sorry about posting another joke about Trump’s hair
I’m not sure if it’s true or false that he is the Prime Minister of Canada, but that his name is Justin
I’m a server and here’s a dad interaction I had the other day
Me, pointing at his food: Wanna box for that?
Random dad: No, but I’ll wrestle you for it.
My Wife Constantly Asks If I’m Listening to What She’s Saying
Such a weird way to start a conversation.
My friend invests all his money in S&M paraphernalia...
Yep, he's invested in bonds.
At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that it’s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me i’m hired.
A little Christmas song. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
I’m worried about volunteering to help my uncle at work tomorrow at the coroner’s office
It’s a pretty big undertaking
Iraq at making Middle East related puns. No, I'm Syria-s!
We’re remodeling our home’s exterior and my wife is being prying/divisive regarding who I’m hiring to do the job.
She really wants to know who I’m siding with
I’m tired of defending myself for being an anti vaxxer. It’s a personal preference.
I don’t vax my floors. I don’t vax my chest hair, and I certainly don’t vax my legs.
My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong. I actually stopped after going once…
I'm a personal trainer for members of 1960's rock bands.
I'm still working out the Kinks.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
I want to make s'mores, but I'm out of graham crackers...
Good thing I have Instagram
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible’s about to happen.
I’ve posted this before but you guys didn’t recognize the brilliance of it so I’m posting it again because fuck you that’s why
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
I'm looking to sell my Delorean. It’s in Great condition, low mileage..
Only driven from time to time!
Summer’s almost here and I’m going to buy this really trendy fan
It’s going to be so cool 😎
I’m not a fan of Van Gough’s history of insanity...
I’m awaiting reply, but it’s possible I was deleted entirely.
I’m not saying that he’s lazy,
But his smoke alarm has a snooze button.
I’m sure everyone’s heard this one but, it’s still one of my favorites. “Daddy, I’m Thirsty.”
“Hello, Thirsty. I’m Friday, come over Saturday and we’ll have a Sundae.”
(Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun)
I’m sick of having to tell everyone my car’s not a Renault
I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing.
But I can’t put my finger on it!
Apparently there’s a group down the street that’s amazing at grabbing things, but they refuse to do it when I’m around.
They never seize to amaze me
I’m not a dad but here’s my best shot.
What does a depressed cowboy say?
Yee-nah
The town I’m from just completed dredging a new river that’s going to make travel a lot easier. They’re having a feast to celebrate! It’s going to be called...
In honor of my father for Father’s Day, I’m going to tack you back to the 1990’s. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent.
Me: Daddy I’m thirsty!
My dad: Hi thirsty I’m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.
I’m sure it’s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.
I’m starting to enjoy my family’s company...
...I have Stuck Home syndrome.
I’m doing a run of Pokémon: SoulSilver where I name everybody after musical artist puns. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far- pretty catchy, huh?
Even though I’m my wife’s third husband
She still treats me like number two.
There's a new Thai restaurant that where the servers wear S&M outfits.
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
