My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !

I mean, first I win the lottery and now this

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Last night, my girlfriend told me I'm very attractive and she's a lucky lady.

I told her if I'm attractive then she's a moLUCKular lady.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker0812
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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It's lucky to be me

I bought 20 bees at the pet store but they put an extra one in the bag... They said keep it, it's a freebie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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I was telling my buddy how my wife is driving me to drink. He said to me, β€œConsider yourself lucky.”

β€œMine makes me walk.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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Some guy just tried to sell me a lucky pillow case.

What a sham!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBooks72
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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Today at the Dairy I was standing at the cow barn and a woman turned to me and asked, "Do they milk the male cows too." I answered, "only if they are lucky"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CthulhuBread
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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She's SO lucky to have me!

Wife: Do you want me to make you a naan chicken flatbread for lunch? Me: Well if it's not chicken then what is it?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freq1c
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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Gf: lucky you

Me: you know what else is 'lucky you'?

Her: what?

Me: the tree next to the one that got hit by lightning

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Just some puns

1: I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea. 2: Can February March? No, but April May. 3: I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 4: Never trust an atom, they make up everything! 5: Β I made a pun about the wind but it blows. 6: I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off! 7: What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee! 8: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink! 9: I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ricardo_my_man
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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Wife (serious question): What is the difference between a date and a prune?

Me: one you get lucky and the other you don't.

She was mad enough to leave the room...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moar-coffee-plz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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A captain and his crew. (Hopefully hasn’t been posted before lol)

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, β€œone ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, β€œTwo ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, β€œWhy do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, β€œWell men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, β€œTWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, β€œMen, bring me my brown pants.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RecTym
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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My 3 year old dad joked me

We were watching Cars 2. In this movie, there is a scene where one of the characters, 'Mater' (a happy go lucky 'southern' towtruck) eats a bunch of wasabi thinking it's pistachio icecream. My 3 year old turns to me and says " hehe, he ate spice-cream" then burst out laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/serb2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Can ex-wives be dads?

I texted my ex-wife this morning.

Me: The kids are watching 101 Dalmatians and I just noticed Lucky has a horseshoe on his back.

Ex: Yup, always has!

Me: I never noticed and I've seen this 100 times.

Ex: 100 or 101?

Me: Booooo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePaisleyKid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
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The other day my friend told me his wife has driven him to drink

He’s the lucky one, mine still makes me walk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Monkibizness
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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I got my family good with a rare bed size joke

My wife and I own a king size bed. My wife, my two children (a 5 year old boy and 8 month old boy) were playing on the bed.

Me: Lucky we have a king size bed. Can you imagine all of us on a twin? My wife: I know right. Me: I imagine his brother would be angry and tell us to get off his twin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearDrivingCar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
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So you going out?

We were doing some Sunday chores and my wife asked me:

Wife: Do you know where the broom is? Me: Why, you going out? Wife: Corner smile, eyes rolling...slight cackle and evil look. I'm lucky, she usual appreciates my "Dad humor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/levelologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
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Nice

My friend told me about his holidays in France today. He was lucky that he wasn't in France when the terrorist attacks happened. I replied: "Nice!" I thought it was pretty funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeBindi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2016
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I drew it perfectly

I'm a teacher and I love to dadjoke my students. You guys are really amazing.

So I'm teaching economics and we deal with a lot of tables and the like.

I show them the table, point at it and tell them to "draw this table" then I point at a chair and say "then draw this chair" (and they give me the look of pure success).

I got them many times. Today I was lucky to catch it on video. I posted it to Twitter if you'd like to see it (and hear the 5 on the sighsmograph)

https://twitter.com/JoAngryTeacher/status/847162266856439808?s=09

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sal6a
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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Got my gf earlier tonight

Laying in bed with the girlfriend.

Her: You're stupid.

Me: That's mean. You're lucky I like you so much, or else I wouldn't stand for that. But right now, I'm gonna take it lying down.

I don't know why she's still with me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erebus495
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
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Had to share this one

In a conversation about Louisiana barbecue ... GF: I take meat very seriously! Me: Is that because there's a lot at stake?

Very lucky to not get kicked out of the car then and there XD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesorehead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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Pulled off an oldie but a goodie!

Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon...

"Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up?"

"Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly"

"Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before!"

I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Purgid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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Dad joked all over My gf last night

We were sitting outside on our balcony.

Her: hey will you switch spots with me? I like the view from your chair better.

Me: fine. You're lucky I'm a stand up guy though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizenedwallaby
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2016
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Kenny Loggins.

It was subtle, and you'll need to know some 80s trivia. It was really bad, but I also think it was pretty clever.

I was driving to Dave and Buster's with my dad, his girlfriend, and my younger siblings when "This Is It" by Kenny Loggins came on the radio.

Dad: "Is this Kenny Loggins? It sounds like him."

Dad's GF: "Yeah, I remember this song. It was before he got big."

Dad: "Ah. He's pretty lucky he cut Footloose, then."

Brother: "What's Footloose?"

Dad's GF: "It was a movie that came out when-"

Me: "Wait... Dammit, Dad."

Dad's GF: "What? ... Oh, God. Really, Chris? Really?"

He spent the rest of the 45 minute ride giggling like a schoolgirl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
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Negativity joke from my dad. (as emailed)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

scroll down.....

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joe630
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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Grandpa's response to sister complaining about her period (he had a coma)

"You're lucky. I asked for a period, but instead they gave me a comma."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tickmoney
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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I found a bump on my testicle the other day, so I went to my doctor.

He said it was a normal part of my anatomy, and that there's a vas deferens between that and a tumor. Lucky me, right?

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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Cereal Joker

As a little background, my wife and I traveled to michigan for a family reunion. While packing, my wife packed a 'bag of tricks' meaning a bag of toys for our 5 month old baby. Today she is taking a day trip with the baby to visit one of her friends. She is getting ready to go, bring extra clothes and such, and mentioned to me "I wont be able to bring the bag of tricks." I replied "Well maybe you should just bring some lucky charms."

I love being a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Russed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
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Dads raffle cracker

So at a dance concert yesterday and they were doing a raffle. I bought 5 tickets and my sister across the table wrote my name on them. As she was passing them across to me, one feel in the dip on the table. Dad looks over and says "guess you got the lucky dip". Just terrible father.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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Playing cards with my friend and his dad...

Upon getting lucky with a bad play in a card game one of my friends exclaimed "Am I smart or what?" His dad playing the same table responded "What."
"Am I smart or what?"
"I heard you the first time, that wasn't a question, it was an answer; what." He couldn't help smiling as he delivered the line to collective groans around the table and me cracking up because my friends old man was completely right, his son misplayed and got lucky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techniforus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
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Road Rage

IΒ΄m not really sure if this fits here, but itΒ΄s a hilarious story.

A Year ago my Father, mother, brother and me were driving to lunch(or breakfast), when we came to an intersection. This intersection has seen alot of accidents over the years, because people donΒ΄t give a fuck and just turn in. Long story short: A guy almost crashes his van into our car. It all went really fast. My dad shouted, hit the brakes and with a screeching sound we halted. The van just drove on and was before us. My dad muttered something like: "ThatΒ΄s it!" and overtook the van. He stopped infron of said van and got out.(Sidenote: We are all tall in my family. my little brother is a little over 2 meters and is really buff. IΒ΄m just 2 meters tall and my dad is a little smaller than me. My mum is the smallest of the bunch with just 1,86 or so) So my dad gets out of the car and starts shouting at the guy in the van. My father is a real pacifist and hates violence of any form, so we all were really shocked. I look over to my brother and say:"We gotta hold him back heΒ΄s gonna rip that guys head off!". So we both got out and the guy starts trembling behind his steering wheel, when suddenly a giant stands infront of his car shouting and hitting and kicking the air, while 2 larger giants hold him back (barely though) and try to sooth him. My mother gets out goes over to the guys windows points him to let it down and say:"YouΒ΄re lucky my sons are with us, otherwise we wouldnΒ΄t be having this conversation." She goes back to my father tells him to cool down and we all get back in the car. The guy in the van looks frozen at us and doesnt move a muscle. Remeber we are still on the street holding up the entire intersection, so cars start honking. ItΒ΄s then i hear my dad laughing and saying:" You didnΒ΄t think i was gonna do anything did ya?" We didnΒ΄t spoke to him for the rest of the ride, but later at lunch(or breakfast) we all laughed about it.

TL;DR: 3 Giants teach a man not to speed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GnakFlak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
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Programmer Dad

Dad: What do you think you're going to get in your programming class? Me: I dunno, C, C+ if I'm lucky. Dad: You should get a C++. walks away laughing to himself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0beseninja
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
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