What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?

Phil

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rumblebully
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 30 2021
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DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.

Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.

If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.

Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???

Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.

Thank you,

A Dad.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Von_Bostaph
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 18 2021
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Rational
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mainhoonmadrasi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 30 2021
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My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.

Well, toucan play at that game.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Zayan-ali
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 30 2021
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There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther

Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.

They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.

I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jzagri
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 24 2021
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My 3 yr old daughter made her first pun today and I almost cried. She was eating an apple and I asked her if she liked apples.

She said apple-lutely

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Available_Reindeer32
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2021
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What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?

'Eye-do'

This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.

The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!

Cred once again my sis wants credit lol

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tieyz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 27 2021
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What was a very common name in the middle ages?

I heard parents named their children lance a lot.

First post please don't kill me

Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/give_me_my_identity
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 24 2021
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Apologies if it's a bit corn-y
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mediashiznaks
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 26 2021
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Gottemm
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2021
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so many choices
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SailorNebula
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 07 2021
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Well that didn't cross my mind
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JasonPetreasCoach
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 11 2021
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He knows too much
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Potato_salad123
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 24 2021
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where do pirates get their hooks?

second hand stores!

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bigus-_-dickus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 25 2021
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I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..

it's Hans free now..

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 28 2021
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I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 28 2021
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My 6 year old wanted me to share his joke with you all. What is a horses favorite store?

Old Neeeeiiiiighvy

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/WantedDadorAlive
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 28 2021
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3.14159265387279 snek
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/After-Satisfaction-3
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 20 2021
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Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/theimmortalmeluhan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 27 2021
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Rock bottom
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Theo19555
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 23 2021
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buck-an-ear!

I Thank ye kind Matey for the booty! I be truly overwhelmed! Thank you!

Holy cow! Thank you everyone for the upvotes and awards! I wasn’t expecting this!

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/motherduck5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 25 2021
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My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...

He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hypeaze
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 23 2021
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Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00

Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Available_Reindeer32
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 28 2021
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"

That was the punchline

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Available_Reindeer32
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2021
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Exome Single Gene Testing

Hi! Back to report my twins were born 6 weeks ago. The girl with the 6.0mm NT scan is doing really well. She had her repair surgery and is just working on growing her lungs and feeding so she’s still in the hospital as we expected but it’s likely to have a normal life after all this is finished. The boy twin is fine and is at home. However, there were some physical qualities like a big head and his sisters hernia that caused the doctors to want to run the exome test ( both twins already had a clean micro array). The boy twin had follow up heart, brain, kidney, bowel, hearing and and Eye MRIs/ exams- all normal. So far he acts like a normal baby except for his head being a bit large πŸ˜…

This email is the results... not sure how to interpret the results so curious if you guys had any idea what they mean. Anything helps since we are wanting to plan ahead from now on what to look out for.

Email from Genetist:

There wasn't anything clear cut in Twin A’s testing. He was found to have three variants of uncertain significance. The RERE variant he shares with (twin sister) and is the only dominant one. The other two found in Twin A are recessive in inheritance. For a recessive disorder, he would need to have two changes in the same gene inherited one from each parent. A single change is not enough to cause the condition. With limitations of testing though, the lab cannot guarantee there is not a second change. Those two genes are LRP2 and TMEM94. We would like to have you come into clinic to discuss these results in more detail. I see he has an appointment in October which was likely our first available. I can check around the schedule and see if there is somewhere sooner we can squeeze him in to discuss these findings further. Please let me know if you have questions in the meantime.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Leeleechirps
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 03 2021
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I threw up in the toilet
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/exotic_butters1275
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 25 2021
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Hot
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AlexxFruit
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 22 2021
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Saw this on insta @PunHubOnline
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Haidi7
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 26 2021
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Had a good chuckle
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LittleBigOwl
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 21 2021
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Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.

Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"

I did not know.

So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"

So proud.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 26 2021
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At what point does it stop being grave robbing and start being archaeology?
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Unholy_Jer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 28 2021
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What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Available_Reindeer32
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 22 2021
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So my dad just died because he needed blood and we didn’t know his blood type.

He was so brave and even tried to encourage us, the family around him, with his last breaths. He kept whispering to us to Be Positive.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BritishTeeth11
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 14 2021
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The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, β€œI’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”

He said, β€œChange the batteries in your hearing aid”.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BritishTeeth11
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 19 2021
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Air and space museum
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/romroming
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 01 2021
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My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work

She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/eamonn_russell
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 27 2021
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I have been asking everyone what LGBTQ is?

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/awesumit
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 02 2021
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Oh the tangled web we weave ...
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 27 2021
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What is your favourite breakfast food?
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FabricioPezoa
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 27 2021
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Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '

Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 23 2021
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I'd ruther not say
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 01 2021
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What do you call a mom who turns into a dad?

Transparent

(sorry it sucks, it's like 2:30 in the morning right now and I haven't slept)

(Edit: holy shit! I wasn't expecting this to get so many upvotes. Also thanks for the awards guys, I really appreciate it!)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bangtan_Pikachu
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 12 2021
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How do you track Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Available_Reindeer32
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 21 2021
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I’ve got a condition which causes me to make terrible puns.

It’s a dad-ly disease.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads that get me though my day to day life, without you Dad Jokes wouldn’t mean a thing πŸ˜‰

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/WonderChell
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 20 2021
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Always part of a classical dish
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 19 2021
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