A list of puns related to "Love Is A Beautiful Thing"
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
āOf course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
āNow I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
āDad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
āHi Honoured, I'm Dad."
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyāre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. āIād like some wings and a pint of beer, please,ā it says. āSorry, but I canāt serve you,ā the bartender replies. āYouāre out of your head.ā
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. āWe donāt serve your kind here,ā the bartender says. āWhy not?ā one yogurt asks. āWeāre cultured.ā
A friend of mine didnāt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heās an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereās a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, āWhat are you staring at? Havenāt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?ā The guy says, āItās not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.ā
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, āWhatās with the paper towel?ā The pirate says, āArrr! Iāve got a Bounty on me head!ā
A turtle is crossing the road when heās mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, āI donāt know. It all happened so fast.ā
Armed robbersāsome say theyāre a drain on society, but youāve got to give it to them.
Barbersā¦you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donāt forget the pickle. Itās kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereās Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisā¦ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ā”He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metalā¦ Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.
He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of āāStairway to Heavenāā. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner canāt help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.
The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that heās a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, heās always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time heāll ever get to do it.
The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything heās ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.
That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that theyāll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.
The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before heās even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. āāThank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of āStairway to Heavenā, but tonight, I figured Iād do some original compositions. I hope you like them.āā He sits down and starts playing.
He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes
For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like āāpineapple sauce!āā and āālove and hate are second cousins!āā. He screams then whispers, playing notes that donāt make any sort of reasonable sense.
The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet itās justā¦ horrendous.
The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h
... keep reading on reddit ā”One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit ā”A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itās a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itās tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donāt think itās feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereās a new type of broom out, itās sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canāt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itās pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnāt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnāt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ā”She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.
When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a āW.C.ā in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for āwater closetā and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the āW.C.ā is located.
The Swiss pastor had never heard of a āW.C.,ā and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled āWayside Chapels.ā Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:
Ms. Smith,
I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aĀ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youĀ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.
Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!
It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Ā I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.
Because of my responsibilities in town, I canāt go as often as I used to. In fact, I havenāt been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Letās plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.
Sincerely,
Pastor Kurt Meier
Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! Iām selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you donāt know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.
Just like me, itās been around the birthday block a few times, but thereās still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If youāre looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what youāre thinking, āI bet this is a junkerā, but youād be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body Iāve ever had my hands on.
Whatās wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because itās important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds itās new match, I will do another in the next month or so.
Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Iāll give you a run down of what the interior is like. Itās whatās on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I donāt believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasnāt in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, Iāve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if youāre traveling with another couple, Iām sure theyāll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.
The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesnāt work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p
... keep reading on reddit ā”How does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder.
Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn? Ā Nothing, theyāre both fictional characters
Whatās meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? Ā Itās when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the partyās.
What do you call a Russian with Touretteās Syndrome? Ā Yukanol Fukov.
What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes? Ā A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada Userās Manual? Ā The bus and train timetables.
What is Communism? Ā The Poles say itās the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.
What do you call a gassy russian? Vladimir Tootin
What is the fastest country in the world? A: Russia
What do you call a Lada on a hill? Ā A bloody miracle.
What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin? Ā Put-it-in!
What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? Ā Electricity.
Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest? Me neither.
When was the first Russian election held? Ā The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, āGo ahead, choose your wife.ā
Russia really Putin a lot of work for the Winter Olympics
I hate Russian dolls. Theyāre so full of themselves.
America: Hey Ivan..Ā Russia: da..Ā America: what do you call a gassy Russian..Ā Russia: hoe donāt-..Ā America: Vladimir Tootin..Ā Russia: ! Ā Ā America: !!..Ā Russia: fuck you.
Me: Netflix and chill more like NYET-flix and chill..Ā Closetcellist: in a russian accent NO FILMS. ONLY CHILL.
So you want to tell meā¦ Hilbert was Russian to the loud noise?
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: āWhat is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?ā Weāre answering: āThe English fairy tale start with āOnce upon a timeā¦ā, and ours with āIt will be soonā¦
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: āWhy some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?ā Weāre answering: āBecause Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans donāt help to get rid of the other.ā
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: āWhy Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?ā Weāre answering: āAt Leninās time, Ru
... keep reading on reddit ā”To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
āOf course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
āNow I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
āDad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
āHi Honoured, I'm Dad."
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
The ceremony is beautiful. The man and his wife are both struck with nostalgia and joy as they sit and remember their own wedding day. They hold hands throughout the ceremony, moved nearly to tears. Then, at the end of the ceremony, the new couple even walk out to the same song the husband and wife did at their wedding.
At the reception things get even better. The new bride comes up to both the man and his wife, thanks them for coming, and tells them that their relationship is what inspired her to be brave enough to get married.
Finally, all the struggles of real life melt away when, later in the evening, the newlyweds dedicate a song to the man and his wife. Invited onto the dance floor, they are shocked to hear the song they first danced to at their own wedding. After 4 minutes of perfect happiness, the wife asks her hubby to get her a drink and goes back to their table.
Not 20 seconds later, here comes her husband with two full glasses and a smile on his face. "That was fast, my Love," she tells him. The man looks lovingly at his wife and says, "just when we thought this night couldn't get any more perfect...
There is no punchline!"
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itās a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itās tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donāt think itās feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereās a new type of broom out, itās sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canāt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itās pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnāt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnāt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ā”What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itās a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itās tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donāt think itās feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereās a new type of broom out, itās sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canāt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itās pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnāt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ā”Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.