I'm currently writing a book about my love for dogs and gardening

It's called... bitches & hoes.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ceelos218
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2022
🚨︎ report
I wrote a book about not falling in love too fast

It’s called β€œPremature Infatuation”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Low-Classroom7736
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2022
🚨︎ report
I’m reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. They’ve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.

It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunkyFaz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.

The Comma Sutra.

πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noahmancometh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.

I handed her the dictionary.

πŸ‘︎ 466
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad is in the hospital and king of dad jokes.. I'd love to make him a little book

Hi! My dad had a heart attack last week, then went home, less than 12 hours later was back in with a one in a million fluke chance that he'd have complication. He's been in for a week now and was told he is nothing short of a miracle. I'm pregnant and can't really go see him often in ICU because of the very very sick people, but I wanted to do something special and thought i'd ask here. He is pretty down about the whole thing, usually pretty active guy keeping himself busy but I would love to create a little book for him to cheer him up. Nothing crazy but maybe some great jokes to keep him on the cheery side I might include a little art for him too with the joke. Thanks everyone.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vulgarwanderer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the grizzly who loves books?

He’s a libearian.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tmaxedout
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2023
🚨︎ report
I love books about marriage proposals

They're so engaging

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevindavis338
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2022
🚨︎ report
I really loved the Harry Potter books. But the Gryffindor Ghost, "Nearly Headless Nick" has always annoyed me.

I think it's because he really was poorly executed.

πŸ‘︎ 754
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dinosaur that loves to write books?

BrontΓ«saurus.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeChill08
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
🚨︎ report
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No-denied
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2022
🚨︎ report
I got kicked out of the choir for being a jailhouse singer.

I was always behind a few bars, and I never had the key.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/This_1stheway
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2022
🚨︎ report
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

β€œOf course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

β€œNow I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

β€œDad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

β€œHi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2022
🚨︎ report
What is a 4 letter word…

that could mean literally anything.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corvettele
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2023
🚨︎ report
Doctor, Doctor, I’m lonely. What should I do?

Have you tried a calendar? You can find a lot of dates on it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ukasso
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2022
🚨︎ report
Had the best spur of the moment joke tonight.

Spilled red wine all over my side-couch table and the book I was reading. My sister in law (over for the holidays) grabbed the book, (already soaked with Cabernet) I told her β€œyou can keep it, but it’s already half RED” I was so proud of myself but got not a single chuckle. I knew this was the place to report my major dad joke accomplishment. Edit*

By the way, I work in hospice and the book was β€œ β€œBeing Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It’s an amazing read for anyone facing end of life. If it is you, or someone you love. Not to abuse my post,but it’s a best read! I am in no way associated or benefiting from any sales of this book.

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Callmechampion
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2022
🚨︎ report
my puns are quali-tea
πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myverypunnydad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2022
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is

Mrs. Fire.

πŸ‘︎ 365
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EggosDad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2022
🚨︎ report
A girl walked into the bookstore and asked "What are the chances of finding a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Uh, slim to nun?

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siddharthverse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2022
🚨︎ report
If someone who loves books is a bookworm, does that make someone who loves audio books a tapeworm?
πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isle_say
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a North Korean dictator who loves books?

Dear Reader.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robot_cousin
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Sprung this on my wife this morning

As we were leaving for our respective jobs, the opportunity presented itself thus:

Wife: My bike seat is a bit dewy.

Me: At least it'll be easy to sort.

I had to remind her that she has a library science degree before she got it...

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johanssjoberg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2022
🚨︎ report
A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of β€˜β€™Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. β€˜β€™Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of β€˜Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like β€˜β€™pineapple sauce!’’ and β€˜β€™love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpadesFairy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
🚨︎ report
Woman about to step into bath hears a ring at the door.

"Who is it?" she shouts.

"Blind man", comes the answer.

Assured that her modesty will not be compromised, she opens the door naked.

The man at the door says, "Nice tits lady, now where do you want these blinds."

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eJams7147
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dinosaur who loved writing books?

A BrontΓ«-saurus.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaldrickD2M
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know Kim Jong Un loves books?

He's the supreme reader

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend loves books, so I suggest she makes a house of them to live in

My only question to her was, how many stories would it be?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_of_Dorks
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad loves Tom Clancy books and I told him that he passed away...

He replied, "I hear the Russians are behind it."

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ham_commander
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Just got my girlfriend good. She grew up on a farm and would go to county fairs to show goats to the crowd

Me: Did you ever show goats outside the state?

Her: I was supposed to go to Virginia with this lady to show for her but she decided she didn’t want to go and cancelled. I checked out like 23 books from the library to prepare for the drive and had to return them all the next day.

Me: Why did you need all those books? You can’t read and drive

Her: I wouldn’t have been driving

Me: You said you had to chauffeur her

I’m proud of this one but she did not love it as much as I did! Hahaha

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlooBlud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2022
🚨︎ report
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster...

If anything it made him more sluggish.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_5th_Marauder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2022
🚨︎ report
It's been months since I bought the book, "How to scam people online."

It still hasn't arrived yet.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Lunchbox?

My almost 10 year old LOVES dad jokes but I’m staring to come up short on new ones. I call them β€œlunch box jokes” bc I sneak them into his lunchbox before school.

Please spam me with your best dad jokes he will understand πŸ˜‚

TIA Love mom.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Appointments_only
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing β€œDon’t stop Believing”.

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend has decided to repurpose our novelty cookie jar. Say hello to our Tea-Rex.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vowelHeavy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Proud dad moment happened today!

My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said β€œthat’s a nice car huh?” And he replies β€œwhat car? All I see are wheels.” It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BakedDoeBoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darrenbrads123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I love reading books in Braille

I never see it coming.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bigboifabio
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

β€œOf course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

β€œNow I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

β€œDad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

β€œHi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Conversations with my father

When I was young I told my dad, β€œWhen I grow up I want to be a musician.” My dad looked at me sternly and said, β€œYou know, son, you can’t do both.”

Looking at the huge tree in our front yard, my dad advised me, β€œDon’t trust that tree. It’s shady.”

We were in the library together and my dad checked out a huge book on accounting. I asked why he was bothering to get that book. β€œI need to take this book to my doctor. It has a bloated appendix.”

My dad once told me, β€œI do yoga daily with your mother.” Then he added, β€œBy β€˜do yoga’ I mean I put my foot in my mouth.”

My dad was always telling me to exercise. He said I need to walk two miles a day. After a month of doing that, I called him, β€œOkay, now I’m in Seattle. What do I do now?”

My dad loved Clint Eastwood. I heard that Clint just opened a preschool: β€œGo Ahead Make My Day Care.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevekimes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
🚨︎ report
It's my wife's birthday. This morning when she woke up, she told me that she dreamt that I got her a diamond necklace for her birthday, and asked if her dream could mean anything. I assured her that she'd find out later today.

She's gonna love the book I bought her about the meaning of dreams.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2022
🚨︎ report
My friend works in IT and I asked him, β€œHow do you make a motherboard?”

He said, β€œI usually tell her about my job.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls on you out of a tree?

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaneKerman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/washcapsfan37
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him

Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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