My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, โ€œIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!โ€

I replied, โ€œI'm on the toilet, please adviseโ€ฆโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Why do vampires love to bite necks?

Because they are neck-romancers.

Alternatively: They are in to neck-rophilia.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/etherreal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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Thatโ€™s a moray
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/whicky1978
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/M3gaC00l
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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What do you call when two aggressive dogs meet each other?

Love at first bite.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Quoto21
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnโ€™t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? โ€œMy Fare, Ladyโ€.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physicianโ€™s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


โ€œWhatโ€™s purple and 5000 miles long?โ€ โ€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!โ€


Every calendarโ€™s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. โ€œFour bucks,โ€ says the bartender. โ€œPut it on my bill.โ€


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heโ€™s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle canโ€™t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, โ€œDo you want a liftโ€. โ€œNo thanksโ€, they replied, โ€œWeโ€™re Walkersโ€.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all ยฃ5 apart from one that was ยฃ10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said โ€œthatโ€™s maderia cakeโ€.


Bought some cream, it said โ€œstore in a cool placeโ€. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says โ€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the otherโ€. The doctor says โ€œIโ€™m afraid you are a trifle deafโ€.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisiteโ€ฆ โ€“what a pity it isnโ€™t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adamโ€™s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because itโ€™s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When itโ€™s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charleyโ€™s death? BEN and JERRY.


Donโ€™t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you wonโ€™t be able to budge.


You know youโ€™re a mom ifโ€ฆ Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say โ€œOLE!โ€


FORGET LOVEโ€ฆ Iโ€™

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2017
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I fish for puns, such as pike

I love it. And I swear the people I bait don't bite. Am I reeling them in? Or just playing hide-the-hook?

Serious question. I fear I'm a pun master with no audience. please help.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BobAlmighty
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2014
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Since we're on fish puns...

We took a plastic fish to a marching rehearsal at my university last year. Afterwards, we proceeded to have a conversation that was one pun after another.

"Fish. That is all."

"Just for the halibut."

"Oh for the love of cod, can we not bring this here?"

"Seriously, I will krill every last one of you."

"I'm not squidding with you guys. This scampi happening any more."

"Sorry. I couldn't resist the oppor-tuna-ty."

"You're floundering."

"Why, pollocks! I'm just getting started!"

"Don't worry. His shark is worse than his bite."

"Don't trout my pun ability."

"'Pun ability' my bass! You wouldn't know a fish joke if it sprat you in the eye!"

"I might need to go see a sturgeon. These jokes are killing me."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jaws9182
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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My wife (we'll call her BDH) made some turkey chili from the Thanksgiving leftovers.

Let's just say the taste and smell wasn't the best. My daughter (we can call her LD) was refusing to eat any more when my wife reminded her that she wouldn't get any dessert unless she ate a few more bites. I notice that LD was just barely eating two black beans off her spoon. I looked at BDH and LD and said "I don't blame you for only eating the beans. The rest is just fowl." It took a few seconds before hearing the groans we all love so much.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BigDildo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2014
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Scene of the Crime: Mother's Day Brunch

While we were having brunch, I took a delicious bite of a Smoked White Sturgeon Tartine and said "Mmmm, I love capers." My husband replied, "Is that why you watch all those crime shows?"

He still retells that one, because he's so proud of his best dad joke yet.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/strixaluco
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 04 2014
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My Dad used to make me jump with his jokes.

Back when I was 10 years old ish my dad along with my family always ate our food up the table. One day my dad made me sandwiches for lunch and then waited for me to take my first bite. 10 year old me you could class as a shovel-er, I ate my food very fast. Anyways as soon as I would bite the sandwich he would shout loudly and frantically, "Mind your Fingers!" Always made me jump, love you dad!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RoyalePain
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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My dad's favorite road trip joke

Driving through hayfields and we pass a couple fields with larger round bales of hay, not the normal square ones.

dad: You know they're outlawing these round hay bales, so we should be seeing any more of them soon.

dad pauses and waits for someone to bite

victim: really, how come?

dad: They found that cows weren't getting a square meal.

love you dad, you goof.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bunjamins
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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A wife sent her husband a romantic text messageโ€ฆ

She wrote: โ€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.โ€

Her husband texted back: โ€œIโ€™m on the toilet, please advise.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/aaronh1202
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...

โ€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!โ€ The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... โ€œI am on the toilet. Please advise.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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