What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?

py-rex

I'll get my coat...

πŸ‘︎ 439
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/byte_marx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I still experience long-lasting psychological effects from having a childhood friend that took offense at everything I did.

My doctor calls it Irritable Pal Syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YourLocalCreep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My career as a street fighter didn't last very long.

I broke my hand punching a curb.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I overheard my wife complaining to her friends that I don’t last long enough in bed.

So I started taking melatonin. It helps.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Triangular-Space
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I was called up for jury duty today but luckily it didn’t last too long...

It was a briefcase.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zeekbrah
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do calendars not last very long?

Their days are numbered.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Syr_Lead
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My relationship with the woman I met bungee jumping didn't last long.

As we were both on the rebound.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
How long does a dad joke last?

A Paternity.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HyruleTrigger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
The coronavirus won't last for long

Because it was made in china

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How long does jousting tournament last?

Until knightfall

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Valakaydin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Decided on a career change, from the kitchen to medicine. Didn’t last long though.

Turns out that thyme doesn’t heal all wounds.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
"How long were you asleep last night?" asked my therapist, assessing my face.

"Same as usual," I replied. "About five foot ten."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the King's birthday celebration last so long?

It was an all knight party

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Perseus_Turambar
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How long does a Frenchman's erection last?

A good hour

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/masesarkidd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cold war last so long?

Because Russia kept stalin

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wamminjammin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said β€œWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”

He said, β€œNo. I still have two.”

πŸ‘︎ 286
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
The Corona virus probably won't last that long

Because it was made in China

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hurrikayne53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Yemen. I'm China figure out why this thread lasted so long
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stolen_Burrito
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night, my wife and I had a long argument about whose turn it is to do laundry.

Finally, I folded.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How long does a jousting match last?

Until knight fall.

πŸ‘︎ 207
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coffee_cow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Life is like a box of chocolates

It won't last long if you're obese

πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I lost my voice two days ago. How long will it last?

I can’t say.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
We were discussing camp plans for the summer

Aunt 1: "I don't think one pack is enough."

Aunt 2: "But the pack at home has lasted us so long"

Aunt 1: "Let's just take two just in case"

Me: "pack of what?"

Aunt 1: "toilet paper"

Me: "that's what you're worried about??! I thought you're talking about food"

Uncle: "it's a serious tissue"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DewTheCaterpillar
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Arguments between P.E. teachers never last long.

They always work it out.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xXMasterVaderXx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Arguments about the earth don’t last that long.

I guess it’s because they’re β€œbio-debatable.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTCat15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.

Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.

"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.

"Yeah? What?" She responded.

"Was that you?" I called back.

After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"

I could not stop laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tnotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
How long does pepper last in the sack?

I don’t know, I don’t have the thyme to find out those spicy details.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jadekinsjackson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
After 40 years, I met my long lost twin brother at a Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night...

What are the odds!!

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
🚨︎ report
The Chiropractor

My friend was dating a chiropractor, but it didn't last long.

Wasn't really what she thought it was cracked up to be.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thelittlesthobo01
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I was joking about my cat purring at long last, and found out that my friend gets it. imgur.com/CxTRf4S
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Forrester
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2015
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
After having my long hair for the last few years, I finally had most of it cut off

Friends and family seeing my new hair cut for the first time have all asked me the same question:

"Oh, you cut your hair off?"

"No", I respond. I let them struggle with an internal dilemma, doubting reality, wondering if they were losing touch life, until I finally respond, "My hairdresser cut it off."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebacon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Some punny jobs

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TTMOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A video game addict was playing a military game

He quickly achieved the rank of β€œtreem ”, rather high up in the rankings. However, it was not long lasting, as after a series of events he was demoted. His parents grew very annoyed of hearing him talking about having been a treem, his unfair demotion, and how much he hated his new position. Now, the gamer’s family often made little newspapers to share personal achievements and events with their family.

This weeks top headline read, β€œex-treem dissed appointment”.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamayurt
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
You wanna have beef with me? Because this is how you get beef with me! I’m dead serious mate!

It’s been so long since I last got to see ya! You and ya family gotta come over for a barbecue this weekend!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I found one hard boiled egg in the fridge

It was the last one in the container. I took one bite and spit it out - no idea how long it had been there but clearly it had been too long.

"Rotten egg?" my husband asks. I agree. He says "Makes sense, it was the last one there."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vampilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Trust me the coronavirus wont last long.

Because it's made in china

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pediepew
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How long does a jousting match lasts?

Until knight fall

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MuadLib
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
How long does a dad joke last?

A paternity. (I am very, very proud of this one. I came up with it myself!)

πŸ‘︎ 447
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HyruleTrigger
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
🚨︎ report
How long does a jousting match last?

Until Knight fall.

πŸ‘︎ 127
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2018
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I need to call my doctor

Because my election isn’t supposed to last this long

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PlayLikeNewbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

πŸ‘︎ 418
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.