A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”
“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”
“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks.
“Im a taxidermist!” The man replies.
“What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously “ I umm, mount dead animals”
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar “ it’s ok fellas, he’s one of us!”
4 feet of snow in Lake Tahoe forced the local Chipotle to close, but not before they made one last pun.
Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local shop...
I don't know how these people sleep at night
Plant it during the cool days of spring or fall. Space the plants 18 to 24 inches apart in an area that gets plenty of sunlight and has rich, well-drained soil with a pH of 6.5 to 7.0
To celebrate the achievements of Formula 1 driver, Juan Manuel Fangio, the Argentine government requires all newborns to use "Juan" somewhere in their name.
It's called the Juan Child Policy.
I rang the local builders this morning to get a quote for a new chimney.
They said you'll be looking 5 to 6 grand.
"6 THOUSAND POUNDS?!" I shouted.
"Yeah", came the reply.
"Blimey, I thought it'd be free" I said.
"FREE?! Why the hell would you think it'd be free?" questioned the builder.
I replied: "Because it's on the house".
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road…
The reason: ‘Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
I went to my local park for a Legends of Zelda Festival last weekend. You won’t believe the name of the band they booked.
My local clothing store has an area set aside to try on clothes that is perfectly placed in the store...
In a surprising announcement the government has stated with all the issues recently instead of going forward in time we will go back 2 years...
A man in the area has been stealing the wheels off of police cars...
The cops have been working tirelessly to catch him
What’s the name of the sheep who liberated Scotland?
Why did the man decline to aid in his local kitsune repopulation program?
Because he had no fox to give! 🦊
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off
At a wedding today at a local castle my dad pointed out the child sized suit of armour that they had in display.
I told him it wasn't a child's suit of armour but a Summer suit of armour.
When he asked why I told him it was because nights are shorter in summer.
It takes me five minutes to get to my local pub but 40 minutes to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
Stolen from u/deains comment on an r/ASKUK post
What type of fruit has to get married locally?
Local barber in the area got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
I went to my local DIY store yesterday and some idiot in an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking
Luckily I got the first punch in
A couple recently broke up in the middle of our local gym
I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill
His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
My local zoo wanted to add something exciting to draw in crowds, so they started doing giraffe races.
It's working so far. Every race is neck and neck.
This year I’m on a crusade to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s about raisin awareness
Did you hear about the alligator that got a job as general manager of the local delicatessen?
He was hired for being a good delegator.
A local monastery is producing / selling online only content of priests engaged in wholesome slapstick comedy and stunts…
It’s a bunch of Monk E-Business.
My friend was released from prison on parole and as community service, he had to paint the local Catholic church confession booths a shade of green...
It was a tone mint for his crimes.
My local restaurant is trying to draw crowds.
I am thinking of moving to Switzerland, I hear the social benefits are really great.
Their cool looking flag is a really big plus, too
I’ve often heard that “icy” is one of the easiest words to spell.
Looking back at it now, I see why.
I made a spreadsheet of all the grassy plains in Scotland, but lost it when my computer crashed.
Have you heard of the local florist?
His business is really blooming!
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Hey- it’s come to our attention that some of you who are posting here aren’t actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
I got arrested by the Department of Animal Welfare for trying to acquire several crows to raise as pets.
They charged me with attempted murder.
We should have been able to predict the fall of the Soviet Union a lot sooner.
There were a lot of red flags.
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
My local farmers market actually has an entire album of these. They’re savage.
(My 6 year old’s first homemade joke) What kind of clothes do cats wear to bed?
I saw a sign on the lawn of a local drug rehab center
It read: "Keep off the grass"
What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December?
A taste of what my wife has to deal with
My wife was stepping on my back and she suddenly asked "How do dominatrixs not kill people when they do this with stilettos. Do they have to get certified or classes?"
I told her "The only certification for dominatrix is a master's degree"
Top tier groan in response.
A Local Funeral Home had to Close here.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.
The baker at the local Indian restaurant must be very sensitive. If he feels you’ve insulted his bread, he’ll immediately shut the whole place down for the rest of the day.
In fact, you have to sign a naan-diss closure agreement every time you eat there.
For a little anniversary surprise, I commissioned our local bakery to make a cake-statue of my wife.
Last night, burglars stole all of the toilets from the local university.
Police say they have nothing to go on
Did you hear about the alligator that got a job as GM of the local delicatessen?
He was hired for being a good deli-gator. 🤷♂️
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