The folks who live in my town aren’t allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.
Mostly because they’re not dead yet.
They're building a mirror factory in my town
I could see myself working there.
The roofing business in my town is offering an excellent promotion.
If you buy one roof, it’s on the house.
The cops in my town are having a hard time catching the thieves who are stealing futons from stores.
They are probably lying low.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Did you hear about Dr. Suess' new book about a Japanese warrior in the town of Whoville?
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
I can't find my 'Gone In 60 seconds' DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
Live savings spent in a second
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
What do you call a dog that lives in the water.
A new Egyptian undertakers have opened up in town. Their motto....
"Satisfaction Guaranteed....Or Your Mummy Back."
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
What’s so great about living in Switzerland?
Well, their flag is a big plus
I asked my Chinese friend what it was like living in China.
He said he can't complain.
I always wondered how Wonder woman travelled from Themyscira to London in 1 day...
I then realized she's an amazon, so she gets next day shipping
My son asked me where the tallest building in town was...
I said, "Its the library! It has thousands of stories!"
A Little Town In Mexico And Their Love Of Mayonnaise
There was a little town in Mexico, right across the border from Texas. They got a taste for Mayonnaise from the Cowboys crossing the border to eat. Soon they created a festival for their love of Mayonnaise. They’d have every type of mayonnaise you could think of. Folks loved it. The 10th anniversary of the festival was coming up and they decided they wanted to do something special. They heard of a place in England that made the worlds very best. They placed their order and was told it would be shipped overseas to them by boat. Because they had placed such a large order, the only ship capable of carrying it was the Titanic. The folks were waiting excitedly until the morning that the Titanic had hit a iceberg. When the news came that they wouldn’t get their shipment and to honor those lives lost, they decided to rename their festival. It became known as “Sinko De Mayo.”
A new restaurant opened in my town called The Moon
The food is terrific but there's no atmosphere.
“So what’s it like living in the mountains?”
It’s got it’s ups and downs
Thousands of people are waiting outside of Nadame Tussauds in London
They are waiting to get waxinated...
Edit: misspelled Madame, but can't change the title
It felt so good to quit my DJ job in mid-shift while talking live to the listeners...
There is a new restaurant in town called Karma
They don't have menus, you get what you deserve.
I learned something new about cemeteries; the people in its town aren't the ones being buried there. Do you know why?
It's because they're still alive.
What kind of house does a mathematician live in?
After the house bug extermination, the 10 remaining ants started paying rent to let them live in the house
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.
I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.
Wild Falcons live to be about 13. So all the Falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st Century.
They're Millennial Falcons
If you live in the Arctic you can get seals brought to your house by polar bears.
What do you call a witch that lives in the sand?
I don't know but I'm getting hungry.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because if they lived in pepper water, they would sneeze.
I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd ...
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
Edit: wow first silver!!!! Thank you 🙏🏾 anonymous Redditor!
Edit2: my wife doesn’t use reddit. She’s thoroughly enjoying the responses to the joke in the joke jar she created for me and the silver (“whatever those are”). Happy Father’s!
Edit3: https://imgur.com/gallery/5G25Flw wife got me a nice gift 🎁
Do you think jugglers who live in houses with low ceilings...
Three of the Teletubbies went shopping at the most expensive department store in town.
The fourth couldn’t afford to because she was Po.
What do you call a witch that lives in the beach?
I can't recycle a broken window with regular glass bottles in my town.
There's a gang going through the shops in our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.
The Police believe they’re still at large.
A woman is sick in the hospital. Doctors tell her she only has days to live. She summons for her husband because she has something important to tell him. He rushes to the hospital.
When he arrives she says “I’ve decided what I want for dinner.”
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
They're building a mirror factory in my town.
I could definitely see myself working there.
I can't find my 'Gone in 60 Seconds' DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
The best thing about living in switzerland?
Well, the flag's a big plus!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper water would make them sneeze.
There’s a new mirror factory in town!
I can see myself working there
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