Just a little Jeep talk
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jjonez76
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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My gran only talks when I buy her a needle and thread. I guess I'm her little helper...

Sew to speak.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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My little niece doesn't talk much

Was out at my wife's Grandmas farm for thanksgiving (canada) and I was holding my 2 year old niece who doesn't say a heck of a lot on a fence to look at the horses. I say to her:

"Hey Ireland do you like standing up on the fence?"

She doesn't answer so I say to the rest of the family around "she's on the fence about it"

Eyes were rolling but I was pretty happy with myself.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dballs09
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2015
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My little Sister: What's more amazing than a talking dog?

Me: What?

Her: A spelling bee

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bruinsfan011
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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So I was talking to my little brother

He was annoyed because I unplugged this really loud fan, I told him to chill out and when he plugged it back in I ask are we cool now?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/josephkeen0
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Witnessed in the wild, old dude talking to a sick little kid: Did you know that if your nose runs and your feet smell you're built upside down?
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/YourMom102938
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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An astronaut was talking to the control room but the line was breaking up a little so he couldn't understand what they were trying to say.

So he just yelled out, "What on Earth are you talking about?".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HornyLogician
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.

Heโ€™s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, โ€œwhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?โ€she demands. โ€œWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?โ€

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

โ€œYou keep out of this! She yells, โ€œIโ€™m talking to that little jerk on your knee!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crazyfortaco
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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What language do dumpsters talk in?

Trash talk! (My little brother made this joke, I'm proud of him)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IsItKevinito
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Patโ€™s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, โ€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.โ€ Charlie responds, โ€œgo away old man, Iโ€™m better than you ever were.โ€ Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said โ€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.โ€ Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. โ€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So donโ€™t get all cocky and think you are going to win.โ€ Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, โ€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!โ€ Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, โ€œSay that again! Say it again!โ€ The dog says a little confused, โ€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.โ€ Pat says, โ€œCharlie! Itโ€™s a talking dog!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SnappyOrange69
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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My wife talking about her dentist being grumpy about her being a little late

Her: he was short, but he's always a little short

Me: I mean he's kinda old, I don't think you can expect him to grow any more...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/strider820
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2016
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Talking about the little rubber feet on my laptop..

Me: I feel like I should just take this last one off now that all the other rubber feet have fallen off.

Friend: But that would be so sad to have none left.

Me: Yeah, I'd feel so defeated.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/alexisxsays
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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A video game addict was playing a military game

He quickly achieved the rank of โ€œtreem โ€, rather high up in the rankings. However, it was not long lasting, as after a series of events he was demoted. His parents grew very annoyed of hearing him talking about having been a treem, his unfair demotion, and how much he hated his new position. Now, the gamerโ€™s family often made little newspapers to share personal achievements and events with their family.

This weeks top headline read, โ€œex-treem dissed appointmentโ€.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iamayurt
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23 2020
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Bill, the weatherman: โ€œTodayโ€™s weather forecast will be two beans in a tomato, meat sauce.โ€

Anchor: Bill, what on earth are you talking about?

Bill: Itโ€™ll be a little chili.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MBisme
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Talking to Siri...โ€Thatโ€™s what she saidโ€

Talking to Siri and she couldnโ€™t understand me she replied by saying

โ€œSorry I donโ€™t understand...I will try a little harder next timeโ€

The my friend said

โ€œThatโ€™s what she said!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ithinkhisnameis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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My friend got REALLY mad at me for punning, advice needed!

My best friend lives on the East Coast. Iโ€™m on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said โ€œThey just want to know the shape of you,โ€ and he coincidentally died at that moment.

He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, heโ€™d tell dumb puns heโ€™d google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesnโ€™t get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.

What should I do?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FuIIofDETERMINATION
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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Alright I got two bangers here

Dad Jokes are great and all, but I'm more into Sun Jokes. They're a little st-upiter and talk about Uranus a lot, but they're equally funny.

I went to practice my joke routine at a cemetery recently. The audience was really lifeless. Except for this one guy, he had a really deadpan laugh though.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cyrus_Leo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Time for Golf Puns!

But whatever fore?

A little birdie told me golf puns are a great way to make friends, so I thought I might as well join the club. I had to wedge myself into a car to get there, and boy did I realize the irony of doing so when I met the driver! He handed me a bunch of donuts, and I was so happy, there was a hole in one! When I got to the club, the driver kept telling me he had to put the car into par for it to stop moving! So I got of of the car and walked through the door only to realize that my driver had ditched me. Talk about rough right?

Anyway, thats all the golf puns I have for now, say for this last one.
Tee-hee!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/s0apyjam
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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Had to share this absolute bomb my husband dropped earlier.

Our 11 year old is attending a debate camp and at the dinner table she was telling us about her day. We decided she would have a mock debate against my husband the following day so she could show us a bit of what she's learned. We talk about possible topics and we land on "Should school officials or other adults be allowed to ban certain books from school." We talk a little more on the topic of banned books and my husband perks up and says "I think banned books should be allowed because without them, there would be no music." Then he gets this massive grin and my daughter and I are so confused.. it takes a moment for us to realize he's talking about BAND books .. there would be no music .. I had to give it to him, that was heavenly. Our daughters eyes rolled out of her head but we were all laughing. Great job, dad.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jennyy1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costelloโ€™sย radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if Iโ€™d have been wearing a license plate, heโ€™d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen โ€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother โ€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, Iโ€™m not talking about that. What is the dogโ€™s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, โ€ฆ
Lou Costello: Thatโ€™s it, Abbott! Heโ€™s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editorโ€™s note: we now call an โ€œiceboxโ€ a โ€œrefrigeratorโ€)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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I'm still in awe by my fathers' genius.

I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, "what is it?! What is it?!" To which my dad replies,

"Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive?"

To which she responds, "ahhhh! Yes I remember!!"

He then says, "well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear."

And he puts a fresh pear in her hands.

She still won't talk to him.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/laxerado1313
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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You're 40, she's 10

Youโ€™re 40, sheโ€™s 10 โ€“ A classic ย Abbott and Costelloย skit, where ย Bud Abbottย tries to play a prank on ย Lou Costello, only for Lou to use his clownish math skills.

Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Youโ€™re 40 years old and youโ€™re in love with this little girl thatโ€™s 10 years old. Youโ€™re four times as old as that girl and you couldnโ€™t marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): All right- youโ€™re 40 years-old, youโ€™re four times as old as this girl, and you canโ€™t marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girlโ€™s 15 and youโ€™re 45. Youโ€™re only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, youโ€™re at 60. Youโ€™re only twice as old as that little girl.
๐Ÿ“ท****Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheโ€™s catching up.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Yes, yes. Now hereโ€™s the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Now what kinda question is that? Thatโ€™s ridiculous!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): If I wait for that girl sheโ€™ll pass me up. Sheโ€™ll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheโ€™ll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): โ€ฆI was nice enough to wait for her!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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You know when someone walks past you and you catch a bit of their conversation? Even if it is feckin weird? Well....

So I was waiting in the car while my parents were waving off my sister to go on a school trip.

Iโ€™m on my phone, chilling out when I suddenly see a girl of about 4 or 5 with her mother walking past. They are talking but all I catch is the little girl saying:

โ€œThe wedding was so emotional, even the cake was crying!โ€

I found this hilarious, and later passed it on to my father who then said

โ€œIf the little girl wanted to be smart, she should of said โ€˜the cake was in tearsโ€™โ€ (as in tiers of a cake)

I just face palmed at this moment ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoelyMaya
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/heythereanny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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Light-hearted dad joke for a difficult time

My grandmother is in her last days and sleeps most of the day.

My uncle: I'm going to go in and talk to her for little while, do you think that'll bother her?

My dad: I think she'll lose sleep over it!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PlaysWithChemicals2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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A bit of teasing...

100% True story. I was starting a new job at a software company and was talking to one of my coworkers who has many varieties of tea.

Me: That's a lot of tea you got there.

Him: Yeah, I'll let you sample one. Only $50.

Me: But isn't that a little steep?

Edit: Stupid phone formatting.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HSLilAce
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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My dad's jokes are never in short supply

My dad and I were talking about my job at a camp and I was complaining about one of my coworkers who was mildly annoying. He also happens to be a "little person."

Me: He just gets on my nerves because he can't take a joke.

Dad: You know why that is?

Me: No, why?

Dad: They all go over his head.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/damnittohelljeb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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My Dad hit me with this one earlier

My mom, dad and I were talking about me moving into a house with two cats (I'm allergic)

Dad: Are they big cats or small cats?

Me: I don't know, why?

Dad: Well big cats are dangerous but a little pussy never hurt anyone

My dad and I laughed our heads off while my mom just looked down and shook her head.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/InTylerWeTrust24
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2014
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My father, the comedian.

Joke 1:

My sister was talking with my dad about the show โ€˜I Didnโ€™t Know I Was Pregnantโ€™ and she went onto ask โ€œhow do you accidentally make a person?โ€ And without missing a beat, my father looked her dead in the eye and replied with โ€œI accidentally made three.โ€ With the most serious face Iโ€™ve seen in my life.

Joke 2:

My sister, dad, and I were in Wal-Mart one day and in passing the toys, we found those circular beanie baby things with the big eyes. So, my ever impressive father grabs a special edition Chewbacca toy, pretend bites it as though itโ€™s an apple, and says โ€œHuh, this is a... Little Chewy!โ€

Thereโ€™s more, considering heโ€™s a Dad, but those two stand out the most to me.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theashtonjay
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2018
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So my boss got me today

Boss was doing an audit day with me today and another of my coworkers dropped in a little after lunch. She was talking about being bored and how time was going so slow and my boss throws this one at us:

Boss - Yeah when I was younger I had a job where I got paid to stare at a clock...

Me - Nice! Sounds like a good gig.

B- Yeah, I worked in a clock factory

M - facepalm

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/natmor
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 27 2017
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Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pipore22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that heโ€™s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his fatherโ€™s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. โ€œOh Junior,โ€ she said, โ€œyouโ€™ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. Itโ€™s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesnโ€™t have to. Why donโ€™t you have a girlfriend yet?โ€ Junior hesitated. โ€œWell Grandma,โ€ he replied. โ€œItโ€™s because... Iโ€™m gayโ€. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandmaโ€™s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: โ€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isnโ€™t giving me any grandsons!โ€ Jack replied: โ€œMa, weโ€™re happy, you canโ€™t just-โ€œ But she interrupted. โ€œNo excuses!โ€ She snapped. โ€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/coyoteTale
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: โ€œHey, weโ€™ve got a whisky named after you.โ€ The horse replies: โ€œWhat, George?โ€


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. โ€œEveninโ€™โ€ says the barman, โ€œwhy the long face?โ€


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: โ€œWait you canโ€™t come in here without a tie.โ€The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: โ€œThis alright?โ€ The barman says: โ€œHmm, okโ€ฆ but donโ€™t be starting anything.โ€


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: โ€œI shouldnโ€™t really be drinking this with what Iโ€™ve got?โ€ โ€œWhy, what have you got?โ€ โ€œAbout ยฃ2 and a carrot.โ€


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside Whatโ€™s a horseโ€™s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,โ€ he asks The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sir,โ€ says the barman. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. โ€œExcuse me, good sir,โ€ the horse says, โ€œare you hiring?โ€ The manager looks the horse up and down and says, โ€œSorry, pal. Why donโ€™t you try the circus?โ€ The horse nickers. โ€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?โ€


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? โ€œIโ€™ve fallen and I canโ€™t giddyup!โ€


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horseโ€™s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? Iโ€™ve fallen and I canโ€™t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2017
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My dad's cat.

A little context first: What's known as an "apartment" in the US is generally referred to as a "flat" in the UK. My dad lives in a flat and has a cat. Without a doubt any time anyone talks to my dad this exchange happens:

Person: Do you like locally?
Dad: I live in the flats near the river. Just me and my cat.
Person: Oh, you have cat?
Dad: Yes. She's called Pancake.
Person: That's nice, but why did you name her Pancake?
Dad: Because she's not a house cat... she's a flat cat.

Despite the fact that he's proudly said this joke dozens, if not hundreds, of times, he still cracks up as he says it like it's the funniest joke ever invented.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ManicWolf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
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Little brother makes a purchase

I'm talking to my younger brother on the phone and he tells me that he used his Best Buy gift card. He debated on Beats headphones but decided on Bose. "You made a sound decision little bro".

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2014
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dad songs

So I just sang my wife the chorus from boots are made for walking but I changed it a little. It goes like this: โ™ชThose hips are made for birthin', and that's just what they'll do. One of these days next week they'll push a baby out of you!โ™ช

She wasn't very excited. Talk about a tough critic...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tuckereh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
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I pulled this ol' chestnut out last night...

Daughter's 10 birthday party. Her friends are talking about eating snails...

Me: "Hey, do you think that snails want to buy cars with a big "S" on the side?"

7 little girls: "Why would they do that?"

Me: "so when they drive past, people say 'look at at that S-car go!'"

I watched 14 eyes roll simultaneously and loved every minute of it!

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Rope walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies "I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here." So the rope leaves. He sees two kids playing outside and asks them for a couple of favors. "Could you tie me and rough up my ends a little please?" Of course the kids help out, I mean...who wouldn't want to help out a talking rope? So the rope goes back into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes, didn't you hear me before?" The rope says "I'm a frayed knot."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/noobertthecrappy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
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Is Michael Giacchino the greatest Star Trek Dad Joker in the world?

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

  1. Star Trek

  2. Nailin' The Kelvin

  3. Labor Of Love

  4. Hella Bar Talk

  5. Enterprising Young Men

  6. Nero Sighted

  7. Nice To Meld You

  8. Run And Shoot Offense

  9. Does It Still McFly?

  10. Nero Death Experience

  11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

  12. Back From Black

  13. That New Car Smell

  14. To Boldly Go

  15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

  1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

  2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

  3. Sub Prime Directive

  4. London Calling

  5. Meld-Merized

  6. The Kronos Wartet

  7. Brigadoom

  8. Ship To Ship

  9. Earthbound And Down

  10. Warp Core Values

  11. Buying The Space Farm

  12. The San Fran Hustle

  13. Kirk Enterprises

  14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

  1. Logo and Prosper

  2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

  3. Night on the Yorktown

  4. The Dance of the Nebula

  5. A Swarm Reception

  6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

  7. Jaylah Damage

  8. In Artifacts as in Life

  9. Franklin, My Dear

  10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

  11. MotorCycles of Relief

  12. Mocking Jaylah

  13. Crash Decisions

  14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

  15. Shutdown Happens

  16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

  17. Par-tay for the Course

  18. Star Trek Main Theme

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thegeneral400
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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My little sister just dad-joked my dad.

We were at the table, and my mom and dad were talking about when they were dating, and my dad says, "You know what? She's only made me 2 bad meals the entire time we've been married."

Then my little sister goes, "Yea, lunch and dinner."

We cracked up about it and we're still giggling.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SwingingSalmon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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My dad said this last night.

So a little backstory, my parents take the dog for a walk every night. My mom is in college (lol napoleon dynamite) and she takes a marine biology class.

So they were on one of those walks last night, and they were talking about ants. My mom's question was whether or not ants sleep. My dad replies saying, "Why are you asking me? You're the one in a biology class." To which she replied, "I'm in a marine biology class, I don't think there are any marine ants."

Without skipping a beat, my dad came up with the most incredible response...

"Why can't there be marine ants? We already have army ants."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PrematureSquirt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 11 2014
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Best Joke Ever

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in. "So?" Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, hitting him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood. He turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?" "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fucking menthol".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/davernr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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