New father here.

Our newborn was sleeping on my chest yesterday. She woke up crying. "Woke up on the wrong side of the dad huh?" I said. She stopped crying.... Felt good.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuzzzyLogic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Australia Vs New Zealand

Do you know why Australia is better than New Zealand?

Australia has 6 stars and New Zealand only 4.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BorisLordofCats
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My new password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.

Because it said my password had to contain 8 characters and at least one capital.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
🚨︎ report
An American wants to enter a nightclub

Together with some friends from abroad, an Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leemhuis
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the New Zealander say to the statue in the park?

Statue bro?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/STOITZ
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun.

Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors!

Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-am-Just-Sam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m making a new documentary series on how to fly an airplane

We are currently filming the pilot

πŸ‘︎ 533
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
🚨︎ report
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...

...I’d say Julying

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuckyTaco_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.

I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoldaHolda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Need a new roof? Let me recommend my sister’s all female company...

All the Shingle Ladies.

πŸ‘︎ 514
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
If Mississippi lent Missouri her New Jersey, what did Delaware?

I don’t know; Alaska

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beerbellybegone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got a new job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us on the production line

so I have to make every second count.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pretend-Genius
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A local town (Bulls, New Zealand) has signs with bull puns scattered across the town at points of interest.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerialMasticator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Bathrooms at a New Zealand ski field...
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lozgunners
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you like my new nose ring? reddit.com/gallery/o93ahw
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/creepy_crafter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I need a new spine
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squerly201
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about this new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu. You get what you deserve.

πŸ‘︎ 727
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AfricanWarrior96
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the grape say when it was crushed?

Nothing. It just let out a little wine...

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GooderApe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I recently picked up a new hobby making tennis equipment

Unfortunately my wife made me stop after I started making a racket

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snakesinfur
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
🚨︎ report
News just in: In a freak accident today, a man was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1963Jan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Saw the trailer for the new Top Gun movie

It looked kinda plane to me

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofthstrings
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Only in Newe Zealand
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerialMasticator
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I've started a new business where I am building Bible characters from Lego. First up, Isaiah. I hope to make a major prophet.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Couldn't resist painting this on my new watering can
πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PunkR4wk3r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone glued my brand new deck of cards together!

Now I don’t know how to deal with it…

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Demonazzzz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Talking to my dad about his new phone
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoochPooch12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Asked my contractor why he didn’t bill me for my new roof

He said β€œDon’t worry about it, it’s on the house!”

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JAK-the-YAK
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Just received some sad news that an old friend of mine has passed away, apparently he died from heartburn...

... I still can't believe Gav is gone.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freedomfromtruth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that New Zealand came up with a new use for sheep?

They now use them for wool

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beerbellybegone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....

Add the element of surprise.

πŸ‘︎ 882
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My new girlfriend works at the zoo

I think she's a keeper

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2021
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: A man has learned how to do origami backwards!

More on this story as it unfolds

πŸ‘︎ 377
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuyOnABison
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Tried putting in a new glass window yesterday

It was a real pane

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ibbybibby00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
🚨︎ report
New Zealand minister
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rhuarrk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
This one’s on a whole new level
πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buildingwithclay
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Darth Vader found his new wife near the stairs...

Her name is Ellie Vader

πŸ‘︎ 180
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new male birth control lotion?

Its called son block

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/airhogg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My 15 month old daughter has been saying "momma" and "dadda" a lot now, and I tried using this to my advantage...

Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.

The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).

My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"

My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!

Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...

Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
🚨︎ report
The people of New Zealand are much more advanced than us

They live in a decade above us.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
There’s a new virus out called the Peekaboo virus!

They recommend if you catch it to proceed straight to the ICU.

πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bananachewww
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?

They are really making headlines!!!

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Not sure if OP was going for a pun
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thamara-k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What's it called when you're moving to a new place and because of a certain influence over there you change your gender?

Transportation

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_aaryaveer64
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
🚨︎ report
If Mississippi lent Missouri her New Jersey, what did Delaware?

I don’t know; Alaska

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beerbellybegone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I got a new job on a plastic Dracula production line.

There are only two of us working so I have to make every second count.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/holysitkit
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about that new restaurant called Karma? They don't give out menus...

You just get what you deserve.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Altair78
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2021
🚨︎ report

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