Feel like this is the appropriate place for me to post this
Seems like a Bassless claim to me
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
My friend: "do you know him?" Me: "No, but he looks like a Luke"
My friend: " That was close! He is Luke with an F, but how did you know?"
Me: "It was just a Fluke"
Dune tell me you don't like this pun
My buddy keeps asking me to blow cool air on him when he gets hot, and I don’t like it.
If pronouncing all my "V"s like "B"s, makes me sound Russian...
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
I am a butcher and my wife doesn’t like me introducing her to people
Especially when I say Meet Patty
My daughter told me she doesn’t like the Odyssey.
I told her: that’s odd, I see.
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Me looking like “other Theresa”.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
....and then put it back on the shelf.
Did this painting for my friend (far right) who is a huge Pittsburgh steelers fan. His favorite player is Troy Polamalu... And he likes puns. That's me in the middle.l in my favorite jumper. Thoughts???
reddit.com/gallery/kkbp9y
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
Dark jokes my 10 year old hit me with part 2: penguins are alot like kids
Both can fly if you throw them hard enough
I found out today that I like it when experienced men touch me
And then I paid the chiropractor
Paint me like one of your French ghouls
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market
I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!
I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".
They were right. I should have waited until next week.
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
Is it just me or does Wisconsin always smell like ass?
I assume its because of all the dairy air.
Man, I really like soda, but I don't think it likes me too much.
Everytime I drink it, it comes out pissed.
My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.
I’d like to thank Merriam-Webster for teaching me the meaning of the word “plethora”.
Nothing says "oH lOoK aT mE" like someone playing a tuba.
I finally hooked up with the girl who said, “You’re like a brother to me”.
I said, “Well, if you incest”.
My buddy once asked me what it's like to work as a high rise window washer...
I said it has its ups and downs.
Friend: ...my wife is uncomfortable with them because they’ve joined the church of Satan. Like, he showed me his membership card. They’re paid members, man.
Me: well; someone has to pay the devil’s dues
Friend: damn it.
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
Reading it with an accent like Sean Connery cracks me up!
Just looks like they’re hounding the bitch to me 😂
I would like to thank my dad for teaching me the word "apportion".
Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:
Son: “I hate crumbs.”
Me: “That’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”
Son: “Well I don’t want to eat them.”
Me: “And they don’t want to eat you.”
Son: “Crumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”
Me: “What if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”
Son: “And I’d say you’re ducking weird.”
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
I like to watch People play games online. Guess that makes me a "Streaming fan"
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
My wife asked me if I like my new beard.
I told her it's growing on me.
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie,
then I dropped her off at her parents'
place.
My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
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