Library Of Congress Subject Headings Puns

Math, because it gets to use its cow-culator!

I am so proud, haha, she got a chuckle with that one!

To get to the other block.

(a tear was shed)

My solicitor reckons I'm looking at a long sentence...

Paddy O'Doors.

I have only my shelf to blame.

… because they both study the makeup of the universe “

Pope-purri

The Sar***dean***.

"Just a plank bro."

It was the first serf-face-to-heir missile strike.

I’m ok though it was just a soft drink.

One morning at a bank, a robber pulled out a gun, pointed it at a teller, and said, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"

The puzzled teller asked, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history'?"

The robber replied, "Don't change the subject!"

This has left everyone scratching their heads!

A sea-level executive.

"What was that about?"

"Arr, just sailing the Bounty."

Re: Marks

It's OK though as my injuries are only super fish oil.

The nurse says: AMAZING! how did you know that would work!?

The head doctor says: “It’s simple really… Time heals all wounds.”

Spudnik

I'm the CIEIO

The Psychiatrist says "May I help you?" The penguin says "Yeah, HOW do I get this guy OUT from under my FEET?"

“Well, I’ll be. A chicken sees-a salad!”

I turned to her, asked "Do you know what we have here?" removed my sunglasses, "It's a case of he said, tree said."

So I head down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter. The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not

So there was a man who considered himself the greatest fighter in the world. Every time he got in a fight growing up, he'd win, and it would never even be close. Eventually he ran out of people in town to fight, and he decided that he'd travel the world, looking for all the best fighters, and beat them in combat.

He travels to Japan, China, India, Russia, France, Ireland, going all about the world, fighting everyone who thinks they're the best fighters in the world- and beats them easily. There's no real sense of competition, he just defeats every challenger in humiliating fashion.

But travelling the world looking for the best fighters takes a lot of time, and there's always another person thinking that they're the best fighter in the world, so he issues a challenge to anyone in the world who thinks that they're the best fighter to come to his house and fight.

The day arrives, and HUNDREDS of people have shown up. All of the best practitioners of all the world's martial arts have shown up. There's a group of judoka from Japan, Israeli Krav Maga artists stretching out on one side of the room, the Muay Thai artists are doing light striking to warm up- everyone seems represented here. The guy who started all this says "OK, there are a lot of you here, and the only way we'll be able to finish this today is if we group you all up by discipline, you all form a line, and I'll beat each of you in turn."

So he starts with the wrestlers, who line up one at a time. One at a time they come at him, and none of them last longer than a minute before having their shoulders pinned to the ground. Not only do they all get beaten, but it seems like this guy is actually winning his fights faster as the day goes on! Some of the fighters from the other disciplines watch this display, and they start leaving.

The guy looks at his watch, and realizes that three hours have gone by in fighting the wrestlers. So he gestures to the Muay Thai artists and says "I'll now fight you, but I'll fight you four at a time!" The Muay Thai fighters figure they can knock this guy out quickly, then settle the honor of who the best fighter is amongst themselves, so they line up four by four, rush in, and in a flurry of elbows and knees, they all end up knocked out on the ground. Four by four the Muay Thai fighters rush in, only for this guy to remain standing after all of them. This is intimidating to the other fighters who are watching, and more people start heading home.

H

Because they were in the living room.

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit

One is a shelf insert book nook for fiction fans that you took and the other is a self-insert fan fiction took book that got you shook.

The body was missing all but one of its organs, only the heart Romained.

He's the big cheese.

I have only my shelf to blame.

They found him out-standing in his field.

I guess I only have my shelve to blame!

She said they might have been damaged, wet and moldy.

The nurse said I was rendered unconscious.

I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.

So there is a commander in Scottsdale PD named Commander Coffee, and today I asked him, in a serious tone, "Hey Coffee, can an I ask you a question?" And he responded with a serious "Sure Joe, what's up?" And then I asked "If the mafia ever put a hit on you, wouldn't that mean that they are trying to ice Coffee?" He giggled and was like "Wow, that was actually pretty good." Then continued on his way to the police side.

He's going to be the new CE-Oh, yeahhhhh!

It's the principal that counts.

I am the CIEIO

So I headed down to the library to see if they had a copy. The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Now I’m the CIEIO

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

I am the CIEIO

So, I asked him: What’s up with the paper towels?

The Pirate said: Aarrr, I have a Bounty on my head

Luckily, it was a soft drink.