I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mcsweepin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 80
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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As my 17yo son is telling me about his new girlfriend, whose name is Autumn...

I said 'be careful, she might leave you.'

He did not get it at first, so I had to repeat myself a couple of times...but I would have done that anyway.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Drumlin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2015
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Asking out the cute girl at the flower store:

"Got any plants this weekend?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 254
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pippin_Lunes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
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An accidental pun

Setting: My partner and I are sitting on the couch watching the Leafs v Bruins hockey game

Background: my partner loves puns, LOVES them and makes like 20+ pun jokes a day. Iโ€™m horrible with puns and have made like two in my entire life.

Hereโ€™s what happened: Hockey game: Boston dude is on the ground, leafs dude is on top of him, looks like thereโ€™s going to be a fight

Me: looks like thereโ€™s a fight a-brewinโ€™

Partner: BRUIN! A-BRUIN (chuckles manically)

Me: damn, I just fell backwards right into that

Him: of course you didnโ€™t do it on purpose (still chuckling, high fives me)

I was so impressed with my accidental pun My first thought was - I have to share this on reddit! (Heโ€™s still chuckling, btw)

Edited for formatting (mobile user, yada yada)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SuspiciousFun
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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A group I am in have named ourselves team tree and in the spirit of the name we wanted to use as many tree related puns as possible, please help us!

We have the obvious ones like, let's make like a tree and leaf and our group is always branching out, but we would love as many as you can come up with!

Thanks guys

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/neptune121
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 31 2017
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