Lazy Eye Puns

I just didn't like the way he was looking at me

Didn't last more then a day, couldn't control his pupils.

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side

Look them right in the eye and look the other way.

Dad: "I went on date with a girl with a lazy eye once..."

Me: "Oh yeah?"

Dad: "I got up and left because she was seeing someone else."

Me: "Fuck offfff"

He is having a hard time looking at me.

But she won't even look at me.

I said "Yeah, fortunately our kids' eyes have strong work ethics."

She never looks forward to anything

I said to her friends at a party this weekend it's so lazy it even qualifies to collect unemployment.

All I got were blank stares.

DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
SON: Envelope.

"Your son has what we call a lazy eye," said the doctor.

"Oh dear," I answered, "it's obviously spread from the rest of his body."

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

Turns out she was seeing someone else.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

They might be seeing someone on the side

But I thought she was seeing someone on the side

I always thought she was seeing someone on the side.

Turns out she was seeing someone else.

But she kept seeing other people when we were together