Me: That's an odd word to get sick of.
"That's easy," I replied "that's Mount Inous"
Damnit, After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
/artisanal
I said, "YOO! That's what's up!"
Only my father in law laughed.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Well if I wasn't it would be a bad joke.
I once knew a man from Greece. Every day he had breakfast in my father's café. And every day he signed the bill: "σε μένα". Whenever we asked what it meant he just shook his head, laughed, and walked out.
After a few years we became good friends, and he invited me to his birthday meal at a fancy restaurant downtown. He wrote down the address and signed it again, "σε μένα", once again laughing on his way out. When I got there I met his family, including his daughter Helen. When it came time to pay the bill he signed it, as usual, "σε μένα"; as he did Helen looked down at his hands, and she let out a groan. I asked her what the problem was but she just shook her head and walked out. The next day the man told me his daughter had taken quite the fancy to me, and he wrote down her phone number. Once again he signed it, "σε μένα", laughing as he handed it to me.
Helen and I began dating and eventually married. And since he paid for the wedding her father saw to it that his motto was everywhere. It was written on the invitations, balloons, napkins, bunting, you name it. Even the cake had the words inscribed on its side, "σε μένα". I had never seen him so happy as he was on that day.
As a wedding present he left us the family home, and handed us the keys to it with a smile on his face as usual. Sure enough those two words were all over, "σε μένα": fridge magnets, post-it notes, plates, bowls, knives, forks, the front gate, the doormat, the postbox, the bird-bath, even the license plate on his old car. When Helen and I had our first son, he gifted us baby clothes with "σε μένα" written on them, still shaking his head and laughing.
On his deathbed, my father-in-law took my hand and thanked me for all I had done for him and his family. Framed on the wall next to him I saw it written again, "σε μένα".
And one last time I asked him what it meant.
And one last time, the man smiled, shrugged, and with his final breath he laughed and said,
"It's Greek to me."
It said ‘parking fine’ so that was nice. . . .
Credit u/itshimstarwarrior
Hey guys! I am getitng a puppy in a few months and her name is supposed to be Zoe. However since she is pure golden retriever because of some laws her full name has to to be “Give me your ‘name’” and I want it to be some kind of pun containing the word “Zoe” since that what she’s gonna be called like Zoedorable but something that matches the sentence and I though that maybe you guys can help.
My mother-in-law and father-in-law are named Mary and Jeff. As we left their house last night on Christmas Eve, I hugged my mother-in-law and said "Merry Christmas", then hugged my father-in-law and said "Jeff Christmas".
Sometimes he would simply rename the brand. Sometimes he would name it a different product entirely. In a few horrific instances he repackaged it as food products. Eventually he was found, arrested, and brought to court. And though he admitted to doing all those things, he insisted that he had done nothing illegal and that moreover, his actions were protected by the law and the Constitution. His reasoning?
"I have the right to rename sealant!!!"
Hey Have mother in laws 50th birthday coming up. We are getting T-Shirts made up and we want to have T-Shirts made up for the guests and one made up for the mother in law. Her name is Jo King.
We are having thoughts on
She is turning 50? You gotta be JoKing for the guest T-Shirt
I’m Jo King and I’m turning 50 for the mother in law shirt.
Any better ideas then this?
In a village just outside Sherwood Forest lived Old Robinhood, he had lived a very exciting life with his band of merry men, and his cause of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor and had a fantastic time doing it. He even had a sign outside his door that said, Robinhood, Bandit - but somehow the law never seemed to have noticed and he had lived in plain sight, doing good deeds, giving away money anonymously and living for the cause.
But now age had started to catch up and not being as nimble as he once was close escapes had started to get uncomfortably close. So he decided to retire and hand over the leadership of his band to his son.
So, Robin called his son over to him and said, ‘Son, I want you to take over from me as leader of the merry men. Steal and pillage all you want, but never forget the cause - we only take from the rich to give to the poor’.
‘Father, I will do as you say’ said Robin’s son whose name was Robinson, ‘but tell me one thing, why do you stay anonymous when giving money away?
Why not let people know of your good deeds - you have a sign outside that says bandit and you’ve never been caught, why not add the cause to the sign and say ‘Robinhood, Bandit, steals from the rich to give to the poor’?
‘Fool, screamed Robin, if you put the cause over the sign then you will get caught’
Father-in-law gets out of the shower, says to my husband,"You're up!" I reply, "Asia!" :::crickets::: I add, "Oh, I thought we were just saying names of continents." The look of jealous contempt from my FIL was priceless.
Q: What do you do if a piece of purple fruit gets stuck in the drain and clogs it?
A: Call the plumber.
Q: What do you do if you live in a purple house and the lights go out?
A: Go to the fuchsia box.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
(I've posted these on various places on the web outside of Reddit over the years under various screen names.)
And I shall name it Cole's law
The funniest and cutest wedding puns by Puns Ville
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left
Marriage is: Finding the one person to ANNOY for the rest of your life!
To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
Honeymoon: The holiday a man takes before he begins to work for a new boss.
When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Cantelope.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
To many girls think the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.
Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.
Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.
When a psychic showed me the girl I’ll marry, it was love at second sight.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is
... keep reading on reddit ➡In college I took a business law class from a very conservative and intense professor who intimidated us by calling us out to answer questions randomly.
One day the teacher was discussing Torts and called on me by name and then said, “Give me one type of Tort?”,
“Pop-Tort”. I blurted out.
The room went completely silent as everyone was waiting for the professor to get very upset and then the unimaginable happened. The professor smiled then chuckled and then the class felt free to join in and laugh too.
In my business law class we were discussing this court case. In the case, a woman named Courtney was hitting off the tee box at a country club and sliced the shot off the course. The ball hit a guy who was working on a nearby roof, and gave him permanent brain damage. Our professor then asked us who we thought was responsible for the damages: the golf course, the course designer, or the woman. A student in the back asks "Well what if Courtney was drunk while she was playing" to which our professor responded
"Well then we would just have a classic case of drinking... and driving."
I'm still not sure which was louder, my friend and I bursting out laughing or the collective groan that filled the room.
My dad and I went to lunch today and I was telling him about the things we are learning in my circuits class. I told him all about voltage, current, circuit elements (this is ECE 101) and all kinds of stuff.
Then I start to explain Kirchoff's circuit law... He says "Not to be confused with Kerchief's law. You know, that law about blowing your nose the right way. I think his name was Hank."
He starts laughing as I groan...
It was a dark and blustery Friday night. My wife and I were doubling with my sister and brother in-law at a delicious BBQ joint. Bro in-law (Jordan) asked us if we were up on the latest celebrity gossip.
Jordan - Did you hear about the actress who killed her husband?!
Us - what? No! Who?
Jordan - Ya! She stabbed him with a knife when he came home. I just can't remember who it was... What was her name?... Reese! Reese something...
Us - Wait! Witherspoon??!
Jordan - No! I just told you. With a knife!
Last night my dad, brother-in-law, and myself were discussing shop stuff, I was raised on a farm but never really got into the nuts and bolts of farming, machinery, etc. I was trying to name something common in engineering parlance and couldn't quite come up with it. My brother-in-law was also raised on a farm and is big into that sort of stuff, and this line of dialogue ensued:
Dad: "You need to go to engineering school"
Me: "What engineering school did you go to?"
Dad: "H.K."
Me: "What school is that?"
Dad: "Hard Knocks"
Me: rolls eyes
She recently got married and took the last name of her husband, which happened to be "Kind".
At the wedding party, I got asked what I like most about my sister-in-law.
My answer: "I really appreciate the marriage, because no matter how much I annoy her now, she won't get mad. She'll always be Kind."
The look on her face said: she did not see that coming. She was annoyed.
...but remained kind.
I went to my first con ever this weekend and my dad wanted to go just to see what it was about. I was dressed as a character named Trafalgar Law, or just Law for short. this happened in sometime in the middle of the con
"Hey dad just follow me for a second, I want to check this booth out."
"Dont worry about me son, I always follow the Law."
My name is Paul and I cooked dinner for the family last night for my son's birthday. We were talking about the food and my brother-in-law (who is also a dad) turns to me and says "yes, it's cooked to paul-fection!"
Many groans were had.
My Father in law says "I knew a bloke who had a son called Edward, and then had a daughter they named Edwina".
"Why would they do that?" Asked my wife.
"Because two Ed's are better than one".
