Jon B Puns

The Lil Jon

So far, we've already told them that Vader was Luke's father and that Jon Snow didn't really die.

Arya: Yes I am. Sansa: Yes I am. Robb: Yes I am. Bran: Yes I am. Rickon: Yes I am. Ned: Yes I am. Jon Snow: No, I'm not

Hey all! I'm writing a play for my third grade class all about healthy habits and it's full of TV parodies. One show is Game of Thrones. For example, one character is Jon Snowpea. Can you guys help me come up with some food or exercise puns for the full title of Danaerys: Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons”. Thanks!!

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Belly Jons." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

Because his Aunt's in his pants

*Repost for edit + *Jon not John

Courtney Love once asked Jon Bon Jovi to name her new band. Bon Jovi jokingly suggested 'Hole'.

Love though this was great - provocative and rude - so she went with it. Her ex, Corey Hart, of 'Sunglasses At Night' fame, did not approve. He sought to confront Bon Jovi on the night of Hole's first gig and, a little drunk, tried to climb the fence of Bon Jovi's LA estate.

Bon Jovi, thinking Hart an intruder, winged him with a gun belonging to Bono and The Edge's tour manager, who was dining there that night. The ensuing fracas was in all the papers, overshadowing Hole's debut, and angering Kurt Cobain, who was interested in Hole's lead singer.

Cobain sent Jon Bon Jovi a note, demanding he apologise, and Bon Jovi replied ...

"Shot Corey Hart, and U2 blamed. You give Love a band name."

Jon recapping a story of his younger days playing the piano and chatting with his dad.

German Dad: You should be on the radio.

Jon: Ah, Thanks Dad

German Dad: Ja, Then I could turn you off.

and I mentioned I should go as him next year for Halloween.

Sister-in-law says I'll need to lose some weight to pull that off.

I said fine, I'll go as Jon Snowman.

My father does not frequently make dad jokes, but today he surprised me. For thanksgiving many family members are all in the same house. I was lying in bed and so he and my brother came to get me up. My brother says "you should probably get up. Mom is up, jon is up, ben is up..." and my dad turns to me and says "Even tom is up." It takes me a minute but I realize that he has his thumb up and that through his slight accent the line between thumb and tom is fine. In a language that is not his first, my dad has finally made a dad joke. I am a proud son.

Last night my parents came over for dinner, so we decided to order some fried chicken from one of our favorite restaurants.

My mom called in the order and placed it under my dad's name "Jon".

My dad and I go to pick up the chicken when it's ready, as we walk into the restaurant the lady at the front says "Are you here for Jon?"

Without any hesitation my dad says, "No, I'm here for chicken."

He chuckled to himself for a few seconds before letting the lady know that in fact yes, we were there to pick up the order.

I was talking to some friends about the snow yesterday here in the Midwest. I said "it was snowing so hard you can't see 20 feet in front of you!"

My friend Jon responded: "I don't know why you'd want to look at twenty feet, anyways."

Question: What was the worst shift you've ever worked?

Answer: @jon_bois Was a gravedigger for a summer - every shift was the worst. Finished a shift once and realized I left my soda cup in a grave.

Response: This is accidental genius. You could have skated by on sympathy for such a long time. "Cut me a break, okay? I BURIED MY POP LAST WEEKEND."

H/T http://www.sbnation.com/2014/10/21/7028991/breaking-madden-roster-cuts-week-8-a-big-gulp-full-o-poop

My dad had a couple of standby jokes that he would dish out at every opportunity. His favorite was, anytime we would say something like, "me and Jon went to the park" he would reply, "why is Jon so mean?"

The Lil Jon

The lil Jon

The Lil Jon