Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.

On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!"

Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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Little Johnny returns from the supermarket with his mother...

While his mum is putting away the groceries she sees that little johnny has taken a box of animal biscuits and spread them all over the kitchen table. His mother asks "What on earth are you doing Johnny?"

Johnny replies "The box says that you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken, I am looking for the broken seal."

source

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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I am opening a rock'n'roll-themed Opticians.

I'm going to call it Johnny C Goode.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arlinconio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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What do you call an actor with money problems?

Johnny Debt

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IStoleHisTeapot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Little Johnny joke

Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says β€œthis is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says β€œwell maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying β€œI’m a light bulb” and the boss says β€œmaybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks β€œwhere do you think you’re going?” And Johnny replies β€œyou expect me to work in the fucking dark?”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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Little Johnny is in class on day

The teacher asks the class, β€œ there are five birds on a power line, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?”

Johnny replies, β€œ none the rest flew away when they heard the shot.”

The teacher says, β€œ no three are left but I like the way you think.”

So then Johnny says, β€œ let me ask you a question. There are three women eating ice cream, one licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it, which ones married?”

The teacher says, β€œ the one sucking?”

Johnny says, β€œ no the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnorakBeta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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Johnny Depp has lost his case against The Sun newspaper even with evidences

Hard to win if Amber is Heard and Johnny is not

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryonnsan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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Teacher : β€œCan you list the 10 Commandments in any order”

Johnny: β€œ3, 5, 6, 1, 8, 9, 2, 4, 10 and 7”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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Did you hear about the drunk hiker?

Y’know, Johnnie Walker

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iwantmahandback
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Resurrection tour

I just read that Mariah Carey has been has been selected to play with Johnny Cash on his Resurrection Tour. There won't be an opening act, so it'll be only Cash n Carey.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chichm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.

Ruth hits a tree.

Johnny decides to continue on.

Ruthlessly.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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Little Johnny was going door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said β€œMy yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.

β€œAll finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!

Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

β€œNow little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?

β€œI sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmcalli
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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Teacher - 'Johnny, if you had Β£10 in one pocket and Β£5 in your other pocket, what would you have?'

Johnny - 'Someone else's trousers on Miss.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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What does Morrissey have on his toast?

I don’t know but Johnny Marr might

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maustin96
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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β€œNo, I don’t have Apple Pay!”
  • Johnny Cash
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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I dad joked my wife hard last night.

We have her parents in town visiting, we also live about a mile from Johnny Cash's old house that burnt down some time ago. My wife was telling her mother about the house and how we could go take a look at it from our boat, she called to me in the back room and asked "Hunny, do you know how Johnny Cash's house burnt down?"

Without a seconds hesitation I yelled back "It was a fire".

I was proud of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
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Math teacher: If you're a family of 5 and your mom only has 3 potatoes, how would she feed everyone?

Johnny: She'll mash them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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Little Johnny oldie

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twowhlr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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Teacher told Johnny, "Mississippi.Can you spell it?"

Johnny: "It"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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George Clooney, Johnny Depp, and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie together

George Clooney said β€œI’ll direct!” Johnny Depp said β€œI’ll produce!” Mathew McConaughey said β€œIll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BATHTUBISREAL
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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A General Contractor walked up to one of his workers on a jobsite.

"How is the framework coming along Johnny?"

"It's almost done boss!" Said Johnny, beaming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pandiax
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Johnny gets off the bus on the way home from school

On his walk home he sees a dog in he middle of the road. He wonders what it’s doing laying there when all of a sudden a car comes by and hits the dog. It flies through the air and after a minute, gets up and runs into the woods. Johnny can’t believe what he just saw and rushes home to tell his mom. He goes inside breathing hard form running and says β€œYou’re not going to believe what I just saw”

β€œWhat happened Johnny” says his mom

β€œThis car just hit this dog right in the ass and it flew through the air. He barely got up and limped into the woods”

The mom then says β€œnow little Johnny cmon lets be a little more respectfully let’s not use those words. Let’s say rectum instead”

Johnny then replies

β€œWrecked him!? That car damn near killed him!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LockinKey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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A teacher asked her class..

A teacher asked her class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence. "The sky is definitely blue." said one girl. The teacher responded, "The sky can also be black or red or even pink." Another kid raised his hand, "The grass is definitely green." The grass could also be brown." Then little Johnny raised his hand. "Yes Johnny." "Are farts solid?" The teacher taken aback by his question answers anyways, "No Johnny but how is that relavent?" "Well I definitely pooped my pants!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StickOfButter24
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
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What is Tim Burton's favourite measurement?

Johnny Depth

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fman7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
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So little Johnny was stung by a bee…

And he ran inside screaming "Mommy mommy I've been stung by a bee!"

So Johnny's mother says, "Oh calm down, lets put some cream on it"

At this Little Johnny replies "But how? It must be miles away by now!"

Badum Tsssss

My dad absolutely LOVES this joke, and he tells it to EVERYBODY, at first some people look at him confused but after a second or two everybody gets it and laughs, I swear to god Every. Damn. Time. And I love it

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Winter_Chills
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2017
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It's 'family field trip' day at a small Wisconsin school...

Some of the kids attending are:

Sally Buckteeth and her family of farmers,
Larry the Lefty and his fam of circus freaks,
And Johnny no-feet and his family of midgets.
They were all excited for their tour of the dairy farm, and the CEO himself stood up to speak: "OK, everyone, a few ground rules: due to the industrial nature of the farm, mandatory steel-toed boots and a minimum height requirement are in effect."
The assistant pipes up- "Sir, one of the kids can't attend the trip!"
CEO- "Oh no, which one?"

The assistant replied, " Little Johnny, the one that lacks toes and taller aunts."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was. "Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said. She said, "Rectum."

"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I read jokes from this sub to get back at him, though.

I'm home for a visit this weekend and in his usual fashion, my dad just randomly pipes up to make a joke. This time around it was a belated Halloween joke.

Dad: "Oh little Johnny, what a good pirate costume. where are your little buccaneers?" Dad, answering his own joke: "Under my buccin' hat."

I just dropped my head and groaned. His job done, the old man left the room with a chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MidtermMassacre
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2016
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What do you call money spent on a pay toilet?

Johnny Cash

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LenZefflin21
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2017
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My dad's most memorable joke.

Dad: "Want to hear a dirty joke?" Me: Sure.. Dad "Johnny fell into the mud" Me: /facepalm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neverbennsoinlove
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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Dad joke from my law professor today

We were discussing Wong Sun v. U.s., and the defendants in that case included memorable names such as Johnny Yee, Hom Way, and Wong Son. After an inspired lecture, the professor concluded with

Professor: So let this be a lesson to you all, if you're in engaged in crime... you'll be putting yourself in Hom's Way

*commence class wide groan

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Pizza_Puncher
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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My dad finally earned his dad card.

We were talking about movies and prom and I said "well there's always gonna be 'prostitutes of the carrabean'" and his response was "starring Johnny deep"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/granteverett
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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I got this nearly every night.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Betty.

Betty who?

Betty time for Johnny.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyRompain
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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What do you call an actor struggling financially?

Johnny Debt

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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