Joan Greenwood Puns

I don't even know what Bruce Greenwood's name in the show is.

Anyway she told him she was going to send her kid away, because clearly your kid was getting in the way of her romantic life.

Was she serious when she said that? Or was she being sarcastic? Was she testing him?

also, when she said "you're ruining my life!" Obviously she was not saying it to the babysitter, she was saying it to her kid

Hello everyone!

CL Watch Thread for today’s games.

Zenit vs Chelsea 3-3 FT

Zenit

Mikhail Kerzhakov, Yaroslav Rakitskiy, Dejan Lovren, Wilmar Barrios, Douglas Santos, Vyacheslav Karavaev, Wendel, Daler Kuzyaev, Claudinho, Malcom, Sardar Azmoun.

Subs: Danila Khotulev, David Byazrov, Magomed Ozdoev, Kirill Kravtsov, Daniil Odoevskiy, Danil Krugovoi, Artem Dzyuba, Alex Sutormin, Aleksandr Erokhin, Daniil Kuznetsov, Andrei Mostovoy.

Chelsea

Kepa Arrizabalaga, Andreas Christensen, Malang Sarr, César Azpilicueta, Saúl Ñíguez, Ross Barkley, Callum Hudson-Odoi, Reece James, Romelu Lukaku, Timo Werner, Mason Mount.

Subs: Marcus Bettinelli, Ruben Loftus-Cheek, Hakim Ziyech, Antonio Rüdiger, Thiago Silva, Édouard Mendy, Kai Havertz, Christian Pulisic, Marcos Alonso.

Match Updates :

2’- Werner opens the scoring for Chelsea

38’- Claudinho equalises for Zenit

41’- Azmoun provides Zenit the lead

62’- Lukaku equalises for Chelsea

85’- Werner provides Chelsea the lead

90+4’- Ozdoyev equalises with a great volley

Juventus vs Malmö 1-0 FT

Juventus

Mattia Perin, Leonardo Bonucci, Daniele Rugani, Koni De Winter, Arthur, Rodrigo Bentancur, Adrien Rabiot, Alex Sandro, Federico Bernardeschi, Moise Kean, Paulo Dybala. Subs: Manuel Locatelli, Álvaro Morata, Fabio Miretti, Giorgio Chiellini, Carlo Pinsoglio, Wojciech Szczesny, Cosimo Marco Da Graca, Juan Cuadrado, Matthijs de Ligt, Mattia De Sciglio.

Malmö

Ismael Diarra Diawara, Lasse Nielsen, Anel Ahmedhodzic, Martin Olsson, Niklas Moisander, Innocent Bonke, Anders Christiansen, Erdal Rakip, Jo Inge Berget, Antonio-Mirko Colak, Veljko Birmancevic.

Subs: Johan Dahlin, Adi Nalic, Sergio Peña, Franz Brorsson, Eric Larsson, Sebastian Nanasi, Melker Ellborg, Peter Gwargis, Malik Abubakari.

Match Updates :

18’- Kean opens the scoring for Juventus

Benfica vs Dynamo Kyiv 2-0 FT

Benfica

Odisseas Vlachodimos, Nicolás Otamendi, Jan Vertonghen, André Almeida, João Mário, Pizzi, Julian Weigl, Alejandro Grimaldo, Gilberto, Roman Yaremchuk, Rafa.

Subs: Ferro, Morato, Everton, Adel Taarabt, Paulo Bernardo, Darwin Núñez, Helton Leite, Valentino Lazaro, Goncalo Ramos, Diogo Go

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

BamBOO!

They’re on standbi

A play on words.

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Pilot on me!!

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

Christopher Walken

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

When I got home, they were still there.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

[Removed]

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

Where ever you left it 🤷‍♀️🤭

Hello everybody!

Champions League watch thread for today’s matches.

Salzburg vs Wolfsburg- 3-1 FT

Salzburg

Köhn - Kristensen, Onguene, Wöber, Ulmer (c) - Sucic, Camara, Seiwald - Aaronson - Okafor, Adeyemi

Subs: Mantl, Walke, Okoh, Capaldo, Adamu, Bernede, Kjaergaard, Diambou, Simic, Ludewig, Guindo, Bernardo

Wolfsburg

Casteels (c) - Mbabu, Lacroix, Brooks, Roussillon - Vranckx, Arnold - Baku, Lukebakio, Steffen - L. Nmecha

Subs: Pervan, Klinger, Bornauw, Van de Ven, Otavio, Philipp, F. Nmecha, Ginczek

Match Updates :

3’- Adeyemi opens the scoring for Salzburg

15’- Nmecha equalises for Wolfsburg

65’- Okafor scores Salzburg’s second goal to take the lead

77’- Okafor doubles Salzburg’s lead

Barcelona vs Dynamo Kyiv - 1-0 FT

Barcelona

Marc-André ter Stegen, Clément Lenglet, Gerard Piqué, Jordi Alba, Óscar Mingueza, Sergio Busquets, Frenkie de Jong, Gavi, Luuk de Jong, Memphis Depay, Sergiño Dest.

Subs: Sergio Agüero, Philippe Coutinho, Neto, Samuel Umtiti, Sergi Roberto, Ricard Puig, Iñaki Peña, Yusuf Demir, Ansu Fati, Álex Balde, Nicolas Gonzalez.

Dynamo Kyiv

Georgiy Bushchan, Oleksandr Syrota, Illia Zabarnyi, Vitaliy Mykolenko, Tomasz Kedziora, Vitaliy Buyalskiy, Mykola Shaparenko, Serhiy Sydorchuk, Vladyslav Supriaha, Carlos De Peña, Viktor Tsygankov.

Subs: Denys Garmash, Denys Boyko, Benjamin Verbic, Oleksandr Karavaev, Oleksandr Andrievsky, Eric Ramírez, Oleksandr Tymchyk, Vodolmyr Shepelev, Artem Shabanov, Bogdan Lednev, Vitor Naum, Ilia Shkurin.

Match Updates :

36’- Pique scores Barcelona’s first goal in CL this season

Lille vs Sevilla - 0-0 FT

Lille

Ivo Grbic, Tiago Djaló, José Fonte, Reinildo Mandava, Zeki Celik, Amadou Mvom Onana, Benjamin André, Jonathan Bamba, Renato Sanches, Burak Yilmaz, Jonathan David.

Subs: Adam Jakubech, Jonathan Ikoné, Yusuf Yazici, Xeka, Gabriel Gudmundsson, Angel Gomes, Timothy Weah, Cheikh Niasse, Isaac Lihadji.

Sevilla

Bono, Karim Rekik, Diego Carlos, Marcos Acuña, Jesús Navas, Fernando, Óliver Torres, Thomas Delaney, Rafa Mir, Lucas Ocampos, Suso.

Subs: Ivan Rakitic, Erik Lamela, Alejandro Gómez, Marko Dmitrovic, Ludwig Augustinsson, Munir El Haddadi, Joan Jordán, Gonzalo Montiel, José Carmona, Óscar Rodríguez, Alfonso Pastor, Iván Romero.

Match Updates :

Nothing happ

Hello everybody!

Champions League watch thread for today’s games.

Malmö vs Chelsea 0-1 FT

Malmö

Johan Dahlin, Lasse Nielsen, Franz Brorsson, Anel Ahmedhodzic, Sebastian Nanasi, Sergio Peña, Innocent Bonke, Soren Rieks, Jo Inge Berget, Erdal Rakip, Antonio-Mirko Colak.

Subs: Niklas Moisander, Martin Olsson, Eric Larsson, Oscar Lewicki, Veljko Birmancevic, Peter Gwargis, Adi Nalic, Malik Abubakari, Noah Eile, Melker Ellborg, Ismael Diarra Diawara.

Chelsea

Édouard Mendy, Thiago Silva, Antonio Rüdiger, Andreas Christensen, Jorginho, Ruben Loftus-Cheek, Marcos Alonso, César Azpilicueta, Kai Havertz, Callum Hudson-Odoi, Hakim Ziyech.

Subs: Ross Barkley, Kepa Arrizabalaga, Saúl Ñíguez, Marcus Bettinelli, Reece James, Ben Chilwell, Christian Pulisic, Trevoh Chalobah, Malang Sarr, Harvey Vale.

Match Updates :

56’- Ziyech opens the scoring for Chelsea

Wolfsburg vs Salzburg 2-1 FT

Wolfsburg

Casteels (c) - Lacroix, Guilavogui, Brooks - Baku, Vranckx, Arnold, Otavio - L. Nmecha, Weghorst, Gerhardt

Subs: Pervan, Van de Ven, Steffen, Roussillon, Philipp, Mbabu, F. Nmecha, Lukebakio, Ginczek

Salzburg

Köhn - Kristensen, Onguene, Wöber, Ulmer (c) - Sucic, Camara, Seiwald - Aaronson - Adeyemi, Okafor

Subs: Mantl, Walke, Adamu, Bernede, Kjaergaard, Diambou, Solet, Ludewig, Sesko, Guindo, Bernardo

Match Updates :

3’- Baku opens the scoring for Wolfsburg

30’- Wöber equalises for Salzburg through a free kick

60’- Nmecha provides Wolfsburg the lead with his goal

Villarreal vs Young Boys - 2-0 FT

Villarreal

Gerónimo Rulli, Pau Torres, Raúl Albiol, Alfonso Pedraza, Mario, Étienne Capoue, Francis Coquelin, Dani Parejo, Boulaye Dia, Arnaut Danjuma, Yeremi Pino.

Subs: Sergio Asenjo, Vicente Iborra, Aïssa Mandi, Paco Alcácer, Manu Trigueros, Moi Gómez, Alberto Moreno, Rubén Peña, Pervis Estupiñán, Samu Chukwueze, Raba.

Young Boys

Guillaume Faivre, Sandro Lauper, Nicolas Bürgy, Ulisses Garcia, Silvan Hefti, Vincent Sierro, Michel Aebischer, Fabian Rieder, Christian Fassnacht, Nicolas Ngamaleu, Meschack Elia.

Subs: Miralem Sulejmani, Christopher Martins Pereira, Jordan Lefort, Jordan Pefok, Quentin Maceiras, Marvin Spielmann, Yannick Toure, Alexandre Jankewitz, Felix Mambimbi, Nico Maier, Leandro Zbinden, Abdullah Laidani.

Match Updates :

36’- [Capoue opens the scoring for

Good ebening everyone!

Wednesday’s Champions League games watch thread.

Atalanta vs Young Boys - 1-0 FT

Atalanta

Musso; Toloi, Demiral, Djimsiti; Zappacosta, De Roon, Freuler, Gosens; Pessina; Malinovskyi, Duvan Zapata

Subs : Rossi, Sportiello, Maehle, Koopmeiners, Muriel, Pezzella, Scalvini, Miranchuk, Lovato, Ilicic, Pasalic, Piccoli

Young Boys

Von Ballmoos; Hefti, Camara, Lauper, Garcia; Martins Pereira, Sierro; Elia, Aebischer, Ngamaleu; Siebatcheu

Subs: Laidani, Faivre, Spielmann, Kanga, Sulejmani, Jankewitz, Burgy, Mambimbi, Maceiras, Lefort, Rieder

Match Updates :

68’- Pessina opens the score for Atalanta

Zenit vs Malmö - 4-0 FT

Zenit

Stanislav Kritsyuk, Dmitriy Chistyakov, Yaroslav Rakitskiy, Wilmar Barrios, Wendel, Daler Kuzyaev, Douglas Santos, Alex Sutormin, Artem Dzyuba, Claudinho, Malcom.

Subs : Dejan Lovren, Mikhail Kerzhakov, Aleksandr Erokhin, Sardar Azmoun, Danil Krugovoi, Andrei Mostovoy, Daniil Kuznetsov, Danila Khotulev, Kirill Kravtsov, David Byazrov.

Malmö

Johan Dahlin, Lasse Nielsen, Anel Ahmedhodzic, Franz Brorsson, Eric Larsson, Anders Christiansen, Innocent Bonke, Erdal Rakip, Jo Inge Berget, Veljko Birmancevic, Antonio-Mirko Colak.

Subs : Martin Olsson, Sergio Peña, Peter Gwargis, Adi Nalic, Malik Abubakari, Noah Eile, Sebastian Nanasi, Melker Ellborg, Ismael Diarra Diawara.

Match Updates:

9’- Claudinho opens the scoring for Zenit

49’- Kuzyayev scores another for Zenit

53’- Malmö defender Ahmedhodzic gets a straight red card

80’- Sutormin scores the third goal for Zenit

90+4’- Wendel scores the fourth goal for Zenit to seal off their huge win over Malmö

Wolfsburg vs Sevilla - 1-1 FT

Wolfsburg

Koen Casteels, Sebastiaan Bornauw, Maxence Lacroix, Jérôme Roussillon, Kevin Mbabu, Dodi Lukebakio, Maximilian Arnold, Josuha Guilavogui, Wout Weghorst, Renato Steffen, Bote Baku.

Subs : Daniel Ginczek, Pavao Pervan, Yannick Gerhardt, Luca Waldschmidt, Maximilian Philipp, Niklas Klinger, Lukas Nmecha, Felix Nmecha, Aster Vranckx, Mickey van de Ven.

Sevilla Bono, Diego Carlos, Jules Koundé, Marcos Acuña, Jesús Navas, Alejandro Gómez, Joan Jordán, Fernando, Rafa Mir, Lucas Ocampos, Suso.

Subs : Ivan Rakitic, Erik Lamela, Thomas Delaney, Karim R