In honor of former president Donald J. Trump
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︎ Jan 20 2021
My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
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︎ Jun 23 2021
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
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︎ Dec 25 2020
I used to read pirated editions of J.R.R. Tolkien.
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︎ Jun 02 2021
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
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︎ Dec 11 2019
Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
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︎ May 31 2021
Iβm sorry aboot these. Please donβt kick me out of this sub or shoe me away....
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︎ Jun 12 2021
I'm unhappy with Prime Day
Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st
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︎ Jun 10 2021
Wife: Honey Iβm pregnant.
Me: Well⦠what do we do now?
Wife: I guess we should go to a baby doctor.
Me: Hm... I think Iβd be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.
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︎ Jun 12 2021
Today, I'm attaching a light fitting to the ceiling. I've never done it before.
I'll probably screw it up.
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︎ Jun 22 2021
Teacher asked βWhat is the formula of water?β Student said βH I J K L M N Oβ teacher said βthatβs not the formula of waterβ
Student said βyou said the formula was H to Oβ.
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︎ May 28 2020
J.Coleβs son
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︎ May 07 2021
Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns ? I'm trying to think of any words that have..
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︎ May 23 2021
I'm so proud. My 12-year old told this joke during dinner: What degree does Dr. Pepper have?
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︎ Apr 30 2021
I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Wife just broke up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..
..Desparate to win her back.
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︎ Jun 12 2021
I dropped my PB&J sandwich on the street the other day.
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︎ May 01 2021
Iβm making a new documentary series on how to fly an airplane
We are currently filming the pilot
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︎ Jun 05 2021
My favorite old coat is falling apart and now I'm going to have to throw it out
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︎ Jun 17 2021
Gets me every thyme, I'm such a dill.
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︎ Jun 18 2021
I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.
He looked at me and said, "Me? How."
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︎ Jun 22 2021
I'm in a band called Dyslexia....
We've just released our Greatest Shit album.
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︎ May 17 2021
I'm a fisherman, and I'm dating a mermaid.
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︎ May 21 2021
My wife got mad at me because I wouldnβt stop singing βIβm a Believerβ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
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︎ Apr 02 2021
I'm hooked!
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︎ Jun 10 2021
I hate it when my wife tells me I'm lazy.
I didn't do anything to deserve it.
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︎ Jun 28 2021
I'm really good at guessing what's inside wrapped presents.
You might say it's a gift.
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︎ Jun 12 2021
A Jelly Bean, Skittle and an M&M go to a party
But at the door there was a sign saying no chocolate allowed.
M&M hesitates.
"Hey guys, I might skip this one. I'm a chocolate. I'll catch you guys later"
Skittle and Jelly Bean protest.
"Nah man, you'll be fine, you're candy on the outside. Come in with us, it'll be fun!" Says his cousin Skittle.
"Yeah, if anyone has a problem with you, we'll look after you" says Jelly Bean.
M&M decides he will go in, encouraged by his friends. They all have a good time, and no one mentions anything about M&M being chocolate on the inside.
The night is going well then suddenly the front door bangs open and in walks Vick and his gang of vapour drops. The party goes quiet as Vick surveys the room. His eyes stop on M&M.
"What the fuck are you doing M&M? Can't fucking read the sign? No chocolate allowed."
"But I'm candy on the outside, it's OK, right guys?" Protests M&M weakly.
Jelly Bean and Skittle back off into the shadows, leaving M&M by himself.
" I think we need to teach this smart ass chocolate a fucking lesson, let's take this outside." Says Vick.
The vapor drops grab M&M and drag him outside and start beating him up, cracking his shell through to his chocolate. The gang walk away leaving M&M barely conscious on the lawn.
The next day in hospital, Jelly Bean and Skittle come to visit their friend, feeling bad for him.
"Why didn't you guys stick up for me?" Asks M&M.
"Man, you know Vick, there was nothing we could do, he's fucking menthol."
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︎ Jun 15 2021
A young boy and an old man are walking through the woods at night. The boy tells the man: "I'm scared. It's really dark and spooky out here."
The old man replies, "YOU'RE scared?! I'm the one that has to walk back alone!"
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︎ Jun 28 2021
I'm a social vegan...
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︎ May 11 2021
Police chief: "Why did you arrest Steve Carell, Rainn Wilson, John Krasinski, Jenna Fischer, B. J. Novak, and Ed Helms?"
Deputy: "They were impersonating an office, sir."
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︎ Mar 13 2021
My neighbor is a farmer and asked for name suggestions for her new born calf that start with the letter J.
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︎ Apr 01 2021
What common chemical compound can be represented: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
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︎ Feb 29 2020
Iβm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing.
β¦β¦.except at a funeral.
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︎ Jun 17 2021
Just been diagnosed that I'm allergic to rice.
Doctor's say, I'm Basmatic.
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︎ Jun 24 2021
I'm a line cook and looking for a way to get in on some of the extra cash that servers earn.
Got any tips you can share?
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︎ Jun 14 2021
They told me Iβd be bad at poetry because Iβm dyslexic..
But so far Iβve made 2 jugs and a vase!
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︎ Jun 23 2021
"I'm coming over"
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︎ May 16 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iβm a man, everybody I know says Iβm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iβm a 4-person family
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︎ Feb 28 2021
This may not be the place to post this but Iβm heartbroken that my girl broke up with me due to her hallucinations.
Weβd be the only people in a room and sheβd tell me that sheβs seeing somebody else.
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︎ Jun 15 2021
Iβm hoping L is J/K.
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︎ Jul 30 2018
I mean, I'm not wrong...
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Hi there, I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second person to ever walk on the moon..
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︎ May 14 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I'm getting hungry
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Iβm afraid you have Tom Jones Disease
Donβt worry there are plenty of other people with it, Itβs Not Unusual
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︎ Jun 15 2021
A little Christmas song. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
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︎ Dec 02 2020
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