How did I get into computer software? I was very confused about what to do in university, so I asked my dad... He was wearing a Nike tshirt, and he answered me by pointing at his chest, where this was written: Just do IT.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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I asked the local pastor why the church thought it was ok to make money off the Bible. He said, β€œit’s clearly written in the syntax.”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindfactotum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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My dad was talking about our dog, who has a collar with her name written on it...

...he said she has "collar ID."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/el_vetica
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
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Just finished reading a book on Channel swimming.

It was written by Francis Near.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Ok, this is a mom joke...

My stay-at-home wife came in earlier and asked what I wanted for dinner. "I don't know... You pick, you're cooking it after all."

A few minutes later she comes in with a frying pan. "Here ya go!"

It was a piece of paper. With the words "I don't know" written on both sides.

proof

... Smartass, lol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Why couldn't the letter be delivered?

It was written on stationary paper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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Have you heard the old chicken song?

It was written by Bach Bach.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gdawgst
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Why does the misogynist hate Sense and Sensibility?

Because it was written By A Lady

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Teacher: β€œTrue or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”

Student: β€œFalse. It was written in ink.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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My dad just got me good

Dad: you ever hear of the book The Yellow River?

Me: no

Dad: Do you know the author?

Me: how would I know the author if I haven't even heard of the book.

Dad: well it was written by I.P. Daily

Me: never heard of him

Dad: I.P. Daily?

Me: no- oh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaptanKrops
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
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Because of this sub...

I now carry a scrap of paper in my back pocket that has the word "Otherwise" written on it.

Last night my mom was telling me how well my daughter did in the nursery at church, i pulled the paper out and firmly stated "This says Otherwise."

She took out her glasses, carefully unfolded it, then started laughing while handing it to my dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverStryfe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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A Twofer

Context: My little sister (10) was making gullible jokes, e.g. "Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?" or "Gullible is written on the ceiling."

I'm pretty sure this should go down in Dad Joke History:

Dad: I read a book growing up, it was called "Gullible's Travels"

Sister: What was it about?

Dad: About 200 pages.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xanti
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2015
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[Request] Tubas and Classic Rock

Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled β€œTubaChristmas in July,” which had β€œHallelujah” by Pentatonix, β€œCarol of the Bells,” β€œYou’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and β€œHave Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have β€œBohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, β€œPaint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, β€œLivin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, β€œDon’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).

I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Leo_1110
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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I read a new book on bridge design

It was written by Archie Tek

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheerfulsith
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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My dad just dropped this one

I was visiting and discovered a book I used to read a lot, and I had written inside, β€œif lost, please return to ________.” My dad replied with β€œHow would a book know if it’s lost?” God damnit dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sonalis1092
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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A Dungeons & Dragons Related Dad Joke...

I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled "Curse of Strahd".

Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, "I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive."

Yes," I responded. "It's the cursive Strahd."

I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.

What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game:

  • A fancy handbag with the initials "SVZ" hammered into the leather... the "purse of Strahd"
  • A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried... the "nurse of Strahd"
  • A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin... the "hearse of Strahd"
  • A book full of poetry written during Strahd's younger days, before he was consumed by darkness... the "verse of Strahd"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/transplantasian
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2016
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Read a great book the other day called "The Great Yellow River"

it was written by I.P. Freely

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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An unbridled masterpiece of a horse pun to one of my students this morning. It's a long setup, but dads will appreciate it. This one really happened as written.

So, I'm a Spanish professor, and I gave a final exam this morning. One of the last parts was that students had to write a paragraph using reflexive verbs in which they describe their daily routine. Since the class only had nine students in it, I told them that if they wanted to wait, I would grade their exams for them and tell them their class grade.

It was an open-book final exam (11 pages long), so I was in my office, and a graduating senior finished first and gave me her exam. When I got to her paragraph, I saw that she had written in Spanish that every day she woke up, got up, took a shower, got dressed, brushed her teeth, ate breakfast, and then she and her friend Emmy went horseback riding. Now, I knew that she didn't go horseback riding, ever, but that it was vocabulary from the previous chapter. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Horseback riding? Really?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every day?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every single day?
Her: SΓ­, SeΓ±or.
Me: I guess you could call it a stable routine then.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
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I found a recently published book by my favorite author, he’s been dead for years.

I have a feeling it was ghost written.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughthedragon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2018
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The Legend of Phillip Turr

Phillip Turr was one of the most handsome men to ever exist. Throughout high school, Phillip Turr was often called Photogenic Phil, due to his heartwarming smile.

Consequently, he was offered a modeling job before college. During his career, articles were often written about how photoshop was not even needed when it came to pictures of Phillip Turr, because he was just so flawless.

On one gloomy day, Phillip Turr was walking to one of his photoshoots and crossed the street at a busy intersection and sadly, Phillip Turr was hit by a reckless driver and was killed.

The next day, one of the photographers at the photoshoot that Phillip Turr was walking to posted a picture on Instagram to commemorate Phillip Turr's life. The picture was of an empty studio.

The caption of the photo read: Here is a picture of the place where the beautiful Phillip Turr would have stood yesterday had he not been tragically killed. RIP. #NoPhilTurr

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CastYourBread
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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During university move out

I'm moving out of my dorm room this morning to go home for the summer, and my dad is up to give me a hand. There's an elevator that we're taking so I don't have to take my cart down the stairs, and we're packed in with five or six other people. One of them looks at the wall of the elevator and notices that somebody has written "Hannah" on it, and says "What was Hannah doing in here?"

Me: "Writing on the wall, from the looks of things."

Other person: "Well, can't argue with that."

My dad: "So you're saying you can see the Hannah writing on the wall?"

All: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
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The "Philogelos" is a collection of ancient Roman dad jokes

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

  • A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

  • When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

  • A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

  • A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

  • A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

  • A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

  • A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

  • A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

  • An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

  • A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

  • A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AttalusPius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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Dadjoked my father at my brothers wedding

I was sitting in his seat talking to my mother/grandparents for a bit when an idea hit me. So after some brief set up, I went searching for dad.

Me: I really like the small touches they added, like the personalised messages on the table placements

Dad: What?

Me: You know, the name tag to show where people are sitting

Dad: Yeah, I know what you're talking about, but there's no message on them.

Me: Yes there is! It's on the inside of them, just have to flip them over to read it

Dad: I'm telling you, there's no message on them!

Me: I absolutely guarantee that there is a personalised message written on your name tag!!

So, determined to prove me wrong we go inside to his table and he flips over his name tag to find, in my handwriting, "told you so".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andystealth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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"Do you LOVE those socks?"

I was wearing a pair of Peds socks with the brand name written across the toes when my dad asked, "Do you like those socks?" I thought about it for a second and replied, "Yeah, I guess." "But do you LOVE those socks?" he asked. "Umm, not really." "That's good. Because that would make you a peds-ophile."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marmaladeskies9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
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I didn't want this

I was showing my dad a page from my sketchbook. "Dick Cheney made money off the Iraqi war" was written next to the drawing.

Dad: "How did Dick Cheney make money off the Iraqi war?"

Me: "I don't know, it's a meme."

Dad: "Well, it's a very meme thing to say!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catanator500
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2015
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Dad joked the entire party

So I was at a birthday party with my son and as the birthday boy's father is cutting the cake with Happy Birthday written on it, he asks "Who wants the piece with Pee Pee on it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pitvipers70
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
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Well, that's unnecessary

So I was watching this video with my girlfriend when Maisie Williams says that Arya was written left-handed.

So I turn to my girlfriend and say "wow, George R.R. Martin is making it awful difficult on himself writing Arya with his left hand."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/htoj
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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Dad joked my sister after she voted yesterday

I walked in the house after work yesterday and my sister was wearing her "I voted!" sticker on her cheek. I said to her, "You voted!" and she sarcastically replied, "How could you tell?"

"It's written all over your face!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thekokirikid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
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My partner bailed on me at open mic night...

Me: "This next song was written for two people, but since my partner couldn't make it I'll just have to duet alone."

Crowd: collective groan

The entire crowd rolled their eyes together, but at least I played well!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evansdead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2014
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WiFi Dad

I just arrived at my parent's house for a week long vacation and needed to know the WiFi password.

Me, yelling to mom who was in the kitchen: "Mom, what's the WiFi password?"

Mom: "It's written on a piece of paper by the computer!"

Me: "What?!"

Dad, sitting beside me on the couch: "The password is " itswrittenonapieceofpaperbythecomputer"... no spaces."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomwithweather
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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Of the importance of colours

I had written out something I was supposed to read out with the first pen I could find, which happened to be red.

When asked why I had used this colour, my answer was:

"Well, it has to be read, hasn't it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthlinkdilemma
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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The Beatles had dad jokes

In their song "Come Together", one of the lyrics is, "got to be good-looking 'cause he's so hard to see."

Now, this song was released in October of 1969, and written by John Lennon, who was not a dad yet. However, who was a dad of 6 years at the time. It was also credited as Lennon-McCartney. McCartney was a dad a few months before it came out.

Any other Beatles dad jokes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lamblikeawolf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2013
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