It Was Written Puns

...he said she has "collar ID."

It was written by Francis Near.

My stay-at-home wife came in earlier and asked what I wanted for dinner. "I don't know... You pick, you're cooking it after all."

A few minutes later she comes in with a frying pan. "Here ya go!"

It was a piece of paper. With the words "I don't know" written on both sides.

proof

... Smartass, lol.

It was written on stationary paper.

It was written by Bach Bach.

Because it was written By A Lady

Student: “False. It was written in ink.”

Dad: you ever hear of the book The Yellow River?

Me: no

Dad: Do you know the author?

Me: how would I know the author if I haven't even heard of the book.

Dad: well it was written by I.P. Daily

Me: never heard of him

Dad: I.P. Daily?

Me: no- oh

I now carry a scrap of paper in my back pocket that has the word "Otherwise" written on it.

Last night my mom was telling me how well my daughter did in the nursery at church, i pulled the paper out and firmly stated "This says Otherwise."

She took out her glasses, carefully unfolded it, then started laughing while handing it to my dad.

Context: My little sister (10) was making gullible jokes, e.g. "Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?" or "Gullible is written on the ceiling."

I'm pretty sure this should go down in Dad Joke History:

Dad: I read a book growing up, it was called "Gullible's Travels"

Sister: What was it about?

Dad: About 200 pages.

Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled “TubaChristmas in July,” which had “Hallelujah” by Pentatonix, “Carol of the Bells,” “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and “Have Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, “Paint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).

I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.

It was written by Archie Tek

I was visiting and discovered a book I used to read a lot, and I had written inside, “if lost, please return to ________.” My dad replied with “How would a book know if it’s lost?” God damnit dad.

I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled "Curse of Strahd".

Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, "I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive."

Yes," I responded. "It's the cursive Strahd."

I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.

What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game:

• A fancy handbag with the initials "SVZ" hammered into the leather... the "purse of Strahd"
• A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried... the "nurse of Strahd"
• A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin... the "hearse of Strahd"
• A book full of poetry written during Strahd's younger days, before he was consumed by darkness... the "verse of Strahd"

it was written by I.P. Freely

So, I'm a Spanish professor, and I gave a final exam this morning. One of the last parts was that students had to write a paragraph using reflexive verbs in which they describe their daily routine. Since the class only had nine students in it, I told them that if they wanted to wait, I would grade their exams for them and tell them their class grade.

It was an open-book final exam (11 pages long), so I was in my office, and a graduating senior finished first and gave me her exam. When I got to her paragraph, I saw that she had written in Spanish that every day she woke up, got up, took a shower, got dressed, brushed her teeth, ate breakfast, and then she and her friend Emmy went horseback riding. Now, I knew that she didn't go horseback riding, ever, but that it was vocabulary from the previous chapter. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Horseback riding? Really?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every day?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every single day?
Her: Sí, Señor.
Me: I guess you could call it a stable routine then.

I have a feeling it was ghost written.

Phillip Turr was one of the most handsome men to ever exist. Throughout high school, Phillip Turr was often called Photogenic Phil, due to his heartwarming smile.

Consequently, he was offered a modeling job before college. During his career, articles were often written about how photoshop was not even needed when it came to pictures of Phillip Turr, because he was just so flawless.

On one gloomy day, Phillip Turr was walking to one of his photoshoots and crossed the street at a busy intersection and sadly, Phillip Turr was hit by a reckless driver and was killed.

The next day, one of the photographers at the photoshoot that Phillip Turr was walking to posted a picture on Instagram to commemorate Phillip Turr's life. The picture was of an empty studio.

The caption of the photo read: Here is a picture of the place where the beautiful Phillip Turr would have stood yesterday had he not been tragically killed. RIP. #NoPhilTurr

I'm moving out of my dorm room this morning to go home for the summer, and my dad is up to give me a hand. There's an elevator that we're taking so I don't have to take my cart down the stairs, and we're packed in with five or six other people. One of them looks at the wall of the elevator and notices that somebody has written "Hannah" on it, and says "What was Hannah doing in here?"

Me: "Writing on the wall, from the looks of things."

Other person: "Well, can't argue with that."

My dad: "So you're saying you can see the Hannah writing on the wall?"

All: groan

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

• A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

• When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

• A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

• A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

• A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

• A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

• A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

• A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

• An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

• A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

• A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y

I was sitting in his seat talking to my mother/grandparents for a bit when an idea hit me. So after some brief set up, I went searching for dad.

Me: I really like the small touches they added, like the personalised messages on the table placements

Dad: What?

Me: You know, the name tag to show where people are sitting

Dad: Yeah, I know what you're talking about, but there's no message on them.

Me: Yes there is! It's on the inside of them, just have to flip them over to read it

Dad: I'm telling you, there's no message on them!

Me: I absolutely guarantee that there is a personalised message written on your name tag!!

So, determined to prove me wrong we go inside to his table and he flips over his name tag to find, in my handwriting, "told you so".

I was wearing a pair of Peds socks with the brand name written across the toes when my dad asked, "Do you like those socks?" I thought about it for a second and replied, "Yeah, I guess." "But do you LOVE those socks?" he asked. "Umm, not really." "That's good. Because that would make you a peds-ophile."

I was showing my dad a page from my sketchbook. "Dick Cheney made money off the Iraqi war" was written next to the drawing.

Dad: "How did Dick Cheney make money off the Iraqi war?"

Me: "I don't know, it's a meme."

Dad: "Well, it's a very meme thing to say!"

So I was at a birthday party with my son and as the birthday boy's father is cutting the cake with Happy Birthday written on it, he asks "Who wants the piece with Pee Pee on it?"

So I was watching this video with my girlfriend when Maisie Williams says that Arya was written left-handed.

So I turn to my girlfriend and say "wow, George R.R. Martin is making it awful difficult on himself writing Arya with his left hand."

I walked in the house after work yesterday and my sister was wearing her "I voted!" sticker on her cheek. I said to her, "You voted!" and she sarcastically replied, "How could you tell?"

"It's written all over your face!"

Me: "This next song was written for two people, but since my partner couldn't make it I'll just have to duet alone."

Crowd: collective groan

The entire crowd rolled their eyes together, but at least I played well!

I just arrived at my parent's house for a week long vacation and needed to know the WiFi password.

Me, yelling to mom who was in the kitchen: "Mom, what's the WiFi password?"

Mom: "It's written on a piece of paper by the computer!"

Me: "What?!"

Dad, sitting beside me on the couch: "The password is " itswrittenonapieceofpaperbythecomputer"... no spaces."

I had written out something I was supposed to read out with the first pen I could find, which happened to be red.

When asked why I had used this colour, my answer was:

"Well, it has to be read, hasn't it?"

In their song "Come Together", one of the lyrics is, "got to be good-looking 'cause he's so hard to see."

Now, this song was released in October of 1969, and written by John Lennon, who was not a dad yet. However, who was a dad of 6 years at the time. It was also credited as Lennon-McCartney. McCartney was a dad a few months before it came out.

Any other Beatles dad jokes?