A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
How do you turn six into nine?
π︎ 522
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
You have fallen into his trap
π︎ 752
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
π︎ 29k
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
A kid asked his dad, "what kind of music did you listen to growing up?" The dad said "I was big into Led Zeppelin." The son asked "who?"
"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."
π︎ 42
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other βDang, I left my electrons in the car.β The other replies, βAre you sure?β
βYa, Iβm positive.β
π︎ 173
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
A man walks into the library and asks, "Do you have any books on poor eyesight."
"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.
π︎ 97
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
Did you hear about the guy that walked into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm?
He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.
π︎ 70
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
If you're into gaming history, then you must play on the classic consoles,
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
How do you fit an Elephant into a Safeway bag?
You take the βSβ out of Safe and the βFβ out of way!
π︎ 18
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
How do you turn a fox into a cow?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Aug 08 2020
Did you hear about the rabbi that walked into a bar?
He was hit in the temple.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
I just went to get my glasses fixed and youβll never guess who I ran into when I was there!
Thatβs right!
.... Everyone.
π︎ 148
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
What do you call a guy who fell into a well?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 22 2020
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced heβs ruler of Egypt? When told βthatβs impossibleβ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say heβs in da Nile
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game?
Apparently, that's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
If I happened to run into you, and fall on you perpendicularly,
Would you be cross with me?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
A horse walks into a bar and sits at a stool near the bartender. The bartender goes "Hi Horse, what can I get for you today?"
The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
What do you get when an alternating current and a direct current run into each other in a wire?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
Did I tell you about the time I ran into a pony at a bar?
He didn't say much though β he was a little horse.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
Soccer coach to newbie: "Basically, you kick this ball down the field and try to get it into that big net at the end."
"That's the goal at least."
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
How do you know if your love interest is into you?
Invite them to the gym. If they show up...
β¦
...then you know you're working out.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
Did you hear about the guy who went into the Everglades, found this huge sea-cow thing and beat it to death with the oar of his boat?
They're prosecuting him for crimes against a manatee.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
What do you call a large land mass that uncontrollably leaks into the ocean?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Every once in a while you run into a truly eccentric proctologist
You know, one crazy ass doctor
π︎ 20
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
A man walks into a restaurant and orders a hamburger. Upon receiving the burger, the man says to the burger, βBurger, can you help me with my urinary tract infection?β.
βNoβ, replies the burger, βbut I can tell you youβre going to need an umbrella later.β
βOh, sorryβ, said the man, βI thought you were a meaty urologistβ.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
You know, Iβm really getting into all this stuff going on about Moderna, Pfizer, BioNTech and AstraZeneca...
I find it absolutely vaccinating
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
What do you call a monkey that cant get into his house?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
Do you know why scuba divers flip backwards when going into the water?
Because if they flipped forward, they'd fall into the boat.
π︎ 241
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.
π︎ 49
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
A pirate walks into a bar and the barman says "do you realise that you have a steering wheel down your pants"
The Pirate replies aaarrr it's driving me nuts
π︎ 21
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
How do you turn a T into P?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
A man bursts into his therapist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looked up from his paperwork and said, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
When you go into the bathroom you're American. When you leave the bathroom you're American. What are you when you're in the bathroom?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
How do you turn a friar into a high priest?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, βIf you cross this, Iβll hit you in the face.β
/r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/β¦
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said βif you need anything, Iβm Jill.β
Iβve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
π︎ 69
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
A sunflower walked into a restaurant around noon. The waiter asks "where would you like to sit?"
"by the window," the sunflower responded. "I'm only here for a light meal."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
What do you call it when a lorry of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
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