Robert got lost in the maize labyrinth
and came out Corn on the Bob.
Me: Huh, I'm wearing away my A Key. Husband: So...that means you're not in pain any more? Me: Take my upvote and leave!
I’m back in my hometown looking after my Dad who gets a little forgetful. I helped him with a transaction, and when we left the store he said ‘We need to go to a trophy shop, I need to get a trophy that says-Best Son Ever- “Aw Dad, you’re my trophy”
He looks at me and says ‘It’s for your brother!’
Edit: Today he said he has to get all the info for my brothers trophy… because my brother just had a son and my dad wants to get a commemorative ‘trophy’ for his grandson! D’oh! I’m supposed to be helping him with his confusion.
Before you go in the bathroom you're American...
After you come out, you're American...
What are you when you're in the bathroom?
European
(as told by my 10 year old daughter)
If you're ever feeling down, go for a ride in an elevator.
If you’re hiding in a hospital, what’s the worst place to hide?
I wonder if the US President will run for re-election in 2024…
if he’s even alive bi den.
They're building a mirror factory in my town
I could see myself working there.
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
When asked if he had family in Salt Lake City, Robert de Niro replied,
If you’re lost in the jungle and come across cannibals, don’t worry
They just want to make you dinner
If you're asking for AAA batteries in a store, don't make my mistake
Do the scream quietly, I scared everybody around me.
If you're ever on a cruise and see vermin walking in a perfect circle, be VERY careful.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
What will be the first thing you notice if you're teleported few light years away, somewhere in the galaxy...
Your momma so fat, I could still see her
We're all steakholders in these incidents. Corporations need to beef up security or these costs will go over the moon. Criminals can't get used to CEOs chickening out and paying.
theguardian.com/food/2021…
Does this mean we're doomed?
What do you call the sexuality where you’re attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?
Why do people say "we're running late " even when they're not running?
It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad.
Why is it pronounced "Bri'ish" if you're from Britain?
Because they drank the 't'
Due to noise complaints, they passed a law in Hawaii that you’re no longer allowed to laugh above a certain decibel...
Now you can only use a low ha
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...
What is it about all the Psychics that I ever visit.. they're either totally depressed, or too excitable.
It's really hard to find a happy Medium..
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?
Apologies in advance for the worst joke you're going to hear for a while. Why are millenials more susceptible to osteoporosis?
Because so many of them are degenerative hipsters.
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
I met Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci
They're real good fellas!
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history?
Did you hear they’re making a movie about the guy who invented the tampon?
If you're feeling depressed, change your name to "Morgan".
Then move to Germany.
You'll get some positive reinforcement every day until noon.
(Trying to find a way to format this so it sounds funny but i give up. Even jokes about Germans aren't funny)
Why do people keep saying Robert Downey Jr. is a girl?
How do you know if you're in a cafe that makes a real good cup of tea?
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
My wife said, “You’re one in a million, Hon
...Go get the Johnson and Johnson vaccine!”
There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
Got into a fight with this air conditioner. He apologised, we’re cool now.
Bet Jay Z loves a 99. (Rest of world buddies, a 99 is the name of the best UK ice cream, not what you're thinking). (UK people, it is the best)
Did you hear about the thief who was re-arrested in the courtroom?
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
What was a very common name in the middle ages?
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
They're building a mirror factory in my town.
I could definitely see myself working there.
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