I thought I won the argument with my wife about how to arrange the furniture in the living room.
But when I got home, the tables were turned.
I was confused the other day when everything in my living room just started floating to the ceiling..
I guess I just didn't understand the gravity of the situation..
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
There was a humongous spider in my living room the other day.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. So I took him out; had a few drinks. Nice guy. Turns out he's a web designer.
My mom bought my wife Minnie mouse pj's for her birthday. She wore them last night for the first time. My daughter came in to our room this morning and said "Mom, I love your Minnie pajamas!"
I responded, "Actually they're full size."
My wife spotted a black spider with an hour glass figure in the living room. She asked me to take it out rather than kill it. I thought it was an odd request, but I wined and dined it late into the night.
It’s now month later, and I have to explain to my wife why we have hundreds of black widow babies.
This was in the room when I got my massage. What's the first thing that comes to mind when reading this?
The Republicans next door say that when I play my iPhone’s music on my new HomePod in the living room, it drives them nuts.
I’m not sure why. It’s just the Speaker of the House.
There's someone in my room sketching lingerie.
It's my underwear drawer.
My therapist told me to put a fish tank in my living room to ease stress and anxiety .
He said they would help with their indoor fins.
My cousin asked me if there were flies in my room
I told him it’s a no fly zone
I asked my wife if she wanted me in the delivery room...
She said why bother you weren't in the room when I got pregnant.
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
If you can’t accept my constant need to point out the exit in every room I’m in…
I opened up the black out curtains in my son’s room this morning
and the difference was night and day.
My dad was trying to narrow down the best light to use for each room in our house.
It was a process of illumination.
I was waiting on my food, when my waitress slipped on a wet spot in the dining room
The cook yelled from the back “sorry for the long wait times, but our server is currently down”
My Wife and I were sitting in the living room after long day with the kids.
My wife said, "Sometime I want a clock in here"
Me:"Yeah, sometimes I want to clock out here"
She did not appreciate this
My dad was watching the weather channel in one room and my mom was in the other. The weatherman was a Russian named Rudolph. My dad yelled to my mom, "Hey honey I think it's gonna rain tomorrow!" To which she replied "How do you know?"
He said, "I'm watching the weather channel and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won’t admit she framed me.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
The gal at Starbucks asked me if I wanted her to leave a little room in my decaf Venti?
I said no thanks. I don’t think it would fit
I was observing drawings of feet and my girlfriend comes in the room, I ask her if she wants to see feet pics, she looked at me awkwardly, said no and left right after.
She must not be heeling it today.
My new washer and dryer room is so cramped, I can barely carry my laundry in and out.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sisters room.
I just had no idea she was a superhero.
I walking in on my wife trying to hug our sitting room floor today. I asked her what she was doing…
She replied “Embracing my flaws”.
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
My daughter was very confused why there were a bunch of men in my dining room stroking chickens.
She said she wanted chicken tenders.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
I saw another coworker using the mayonnaise with my name on it from the fridge in the break room.
I said to him, “What the Hellman?”
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
My dad learned about the furry fandom after overhearing me talking about it in my room
He then sent me this text: Was it Disney or was it the Egyptians that did it in for you?
I took my dogs for a tour of the Milk Bone factory and gave them treat samples in every room. Just before I let them into the dog park at the end of the tour, I asked them how they liked their treats.
“De-leash us," they replied.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said don’t forget your Baghdad.
The other day I decided to install a highly decorative wall plug in my living room.
I needed a creative outlet.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
My barrista asked if I wanted her to leave a litte room in my coffee
I told her no thanks. I don't think it would fit
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
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