My seven-year-old daughter came up with this joke. If it’s not a new joke, my apologies, but it was a first time I’ve heard of it:
What goes after USA?
USB.
Edit: Thanks for the awards and the upvotes! My daughter is going to love this.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
If I was a deer hunter, I'd constantly say...
That's why I get the big bucks.
People often ask me if I was dropped on my head as a child.
I say, "No. I was dropped on the floor."
I was getting in my car and a friend asked if I could give him a lift…
I replied yes… you’re looking great, the world’s your oyster, go for it!
If a blind person was in a Jigsaw, I think their puzzles would be playground related.
You know, since they can't see Saw.
Wicked proud of this one. I was at the store with my sister today and she showed me a lip gloss and asked if it compliments her.
I took it from her and put it up to my ear for a couple seconds, and told her "It says you look very pretty"
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
I was asked if I wanted some loaded potato skins and declined. Why?
Just didn’t sound a-peeling.
I was a new hire and my boss kindly asked me if I wanted supervision.
I chose the soup, so he stabbed me in the eyes.
I was at work and caught the janitor lady out back with a joint, and she asked if I'd like to join, but I declined.
I don't vibe with high maintenance women.
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
I was at the store and called my wife to see if we needed any sodium
She said Na, we have plenty
Somebody once asked me if I knew where Layne Staley was buried.
I said “down in a hole, maybe. I can’t remember.”
I was told concrete is corrosive, but I don't know if it's true.
They told me it was laced with lye.
My daughter asked if I could braid her hair and the result was
I was having a terrible time trying to decide if I should buy a new mattress.
My wife told me to sleep on it.
I asked my dad if it was ok if I tried to box myself.
He said "Knock yourself out!"
My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
At breakfast this morning, I asked my wife if the orange juice had pulp, and she assured me it did. However, when I drank it, there was no pulp to he found.
When I asked her why she lied, she answered "you always say how much you love pulp fiction!"
My birthday is on July 24th, shame I was born in america. If I was born anywhere else....
my birthday would be 24/7
If you guys thought 2020 was over, I have bad news....
The doctor told me I was sick. I asked him if he had the cure.
He told me that he was more of a Rolling Stones guy.
I wasn't sure if my Australian optometrist was saying that I have good eyes or simply greeting me
He said "Good eye might."
I was bartending and a man came in with his son. “Is it okay if he sits here? He’s a minor”
“I don’t care what his job is. If he wants a drink, let’s get him a drink.”
I was refused entrance to a shop because of my pet crow. They said they didn't want to run after it if it got loose.
The were afraid of catching the CORVID.
If I was going to steal anything from a store it would be a whisk
That’s just a.... whisk I’m willing to take.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
I was doing the crossword and I asked my mom if there was another word for postman...
She said "Dad"
I told her I didn't get it
She replied "I sure did"
My friend asked me if we could end lunch after I was done my sandwich. I took one more bite and then said...
"Actually, that's a wrap!"
I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if it had something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.
So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.
I asked my dad if I was adopted
I was out on a safari when i saw this big, fat, grey animal limping painfully toward a muddy pond. I asked the tour guide if it was injured...
He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
I put on 30 jackets all on top of each other. Someone called and asked if I was coming out, I said sorry I can’t...
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
I didn't know if my boxing instructor was any good
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
I asked my grandfather if he was enjoying his new stairlift
He said he hates it, it’s driving him up the wall
I was in a contest where you lost if you talked.
It was quite the competion, to say the least.
I wonder if Anakin Skywalker was a big fan of Elvin Bishop
'cause he Fooled Around and Fell in Lava
My mom made some fudge the other day. I asked if it was male or female.
I was wondering if I should go to work today, and then I saw some guys putting up a giant rectangle along the highway.
My Wife was doing Yoga and I asked her if she was ready to go.
I told my wife I'm leaving her while she was giving birth to our child. She asked if I was kidding
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with...
She said yes, all the others were nine's and ten's.
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