From my daughter (so proud)

When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.

πŸ‘︎ 362
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TryToHelpPeople
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up...

...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish-Emotional
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said β€˜if you need anything, I’m Jill.’

I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsRynGYT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't mean to take too much of my anxiety medication

It was Xanax-ident

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
my wife & i have been missing our dog

our dog recently passed & my wife has been crying alot, i tried to cheer her up by finding ourselves an identical dog. she screamed at me, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 2 DEAD DOGS?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacob_crozier
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.

It was a queso mistaken identity.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a woman copies another’s boob job?

Identity theft.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shigekazo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call two boobs that are identical?

Identities.

πŸ‘︎ 967
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beebeepsheep
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
[request] puns with the word 'jenga' for senior jersey

So we're in year 12 of high school and we all get jerseys, including our year advisor teachers who've let us, the students, decide their jersey name. Usually the jersey name is a witty pun or joke which uses the wearer's name.

One of the teachers has a last name which sounds exactly like 'jenga' (that's not her name is really spelt, but it's to protect her identity), so I'll be need your help to get some good puns.

If you guys can't think of any, the other teachers last name is Daher (pronounced "darr"), so suggestions for her name would be nice too. Thanks!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HolyHypodermics
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbor Jamal disappeared and they had no recent photos so they used a photo of his brother Juan.

Fortunately they are identical twins, so if you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/petrifiedgumball
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I hear Matt Damon is making a new movie in Sweden about a CIA agent who can't remember the past...

The BjΓΆrn Identity is promising to be a good flick.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.

For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time

or

In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield. Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.

I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I need a pun

Idk if this fits this sub, but I'm planning a Halloween costume and just need a punny name for it.

I'm going to wear timberland boots, camo cargo pants, an olive/brown/green/earth t-shirt, aviator sunglasses, and get a beer bandolier.

I need a solider/army/military + beer/alcohol/drinking pun to name the costume. Any suggestions?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lcg32195
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Lizzie Borden was found dead in the woods

Cause of death ruled Axe-idental

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the lumberjack lose all his teeth?

Axe-identally

edit: I don’t know how jokes work

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thevectorvictor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Bob takes a stroll while talking about an old shoot 'em up

Yeah, he's a walking Contra-diction.

Alternative for the logic nerds:

Bob is always honest, and he says he doesn't like shoot 'em ups. His identical twin Joe says he loves shoot 'em ups. How do we know Joe is honest? Because if something is true, then so is its Contra-positive.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IceMetalPunk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My new favorite one

A woman had two identical twins and gave them up for adoption. One was adopted and named Juan. The other was adopted and named Ahmal. After many years, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother.

She remarked to her husband that she wished she had a picture of Ahmal aswell.

"They're twins!" He said. "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StupidDemon420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Guys beware of sinΒ²x +cosΒ²x if you see it in your house

After all, it can commit IDENTITY theft

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YOUmang
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandpa always told me that you can be anyone you want to be.

He was wanted for identity theft in several states.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine’s dog died...

So I got her an identical one. She was livid and said, β€œwhat am I going to do with 2 dead dogs?”

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a_norris864
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Later on in life, I found out that this is called "Identity Theft".

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I ordered a sandwich with American cheese, but it came to the table with cheddar cheese instead.

It was a queso mistaken identity.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/naurugger
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
If I ever need to commit murder I'll do it with an ax

That way I can claimed it was ax-idental.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crochetyhooker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Two ships

Two ships were identical. Same equipment, same cargo, same number of crew and zero rats.

Because rats abandon synching ships

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mikilt22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I wasn't amused when my friend stole my equivalent trigonometric expressions

Identity theft is not a joke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GuyInFridge
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm gonna write a gritty action movie about a mathematician who loses his memory and has to uncover a conspiracy inside the Berlin Academy.

I'll call it: "The Euler Identity"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nman130
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Cut myself at a BYOB axe throwing place last night

That's right.... I had an axe-ident

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kevincredible22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Am I officially a dad now?

My girlfriend and I were driving home with out newborn in the back coming from her parents, and we passed a cemetery with the name "Axe Factory Cemetery". Immediately I had to blurt out "wow I guess they had a lot of axe-idents!" To which I was punched in the shoulder repeatedly

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nerdtunaCaptor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Can anyone think of any pig related film puns?

So I do a pub quiz every week with the team name 'Kevin Bacon Stars In...' followed by a pig related film pun such as Boarne Identity, Vanilla Sty, Ham of Steel etc.

It's been about a year and a half now and we're starting to run out so any ideas would be great!

Not sure this is the best place to ask for help but couldn't think where else would be better.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KevinBaconStarsIn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pair of indentical boobs ?

Identities

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/owenthomas1989
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
🚨︎ report
[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
🚨︎ report
x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my roommate

So he's studying for some math test and says, "Dammit! I can't remember any of these identities!" to which I respond, "So I guess you're having a bit of a... identity crisis."

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/olympusgod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
🚨︎ report
The wrong truck...

So leaving the resteraunt today, I noticed I had parked next to a nearly identical truck to mine. The only discernable difference being a Christian "fish" decal on the back of the other truck. As my teen son began to walk toward the stranger's truck, my youngest said "Max, that's the wrong truck." To which Max replied "Yeah. I thought there was something fishy about it."

I have raised them well.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2017
🚨︎ report
When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups... (Long Pun)

When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups. There was a brand identity project for a new company, and I was in charge of typography, but those two disagreed with my choice of font.

The first one was this stony-looking Peruvian-American man named Esteban Ferrero, but since that's Spanish for Steven Smith, and our company had a rule that everyone has to call each other using nicknames instead of last names, everyone, including himself, just called him Steve. The second one was a Dutch woman with a sharp glare named Evelien van der Berg. She was famous for giving designers a hard time convincing her that their design choices work better than hers. In accordance with the company rules, we called her Eve.

Anyway, I showed Steve my first draft, and he wasn't convinced that I chose LinoLetter as the main font, and told me that I should use a sans-serif font. But I stood by my position that serifs add legibility to printed and digital material, that it fits the company's identity as an organic store, and that it is hard to stand out with a sans-serif. It took a lot of debate, but in the end, Steve was convinced that LinoLetter was acceptable.

A few days later, I showed Eve a more elaborated version, as for the sizes and styles of the font, and the pairing of LinoLetter with Century as the headline font. She insisted that I should have used a sans-serif font for the headline. I expressed my view that LinoLetter is a font with composed and legible shape, and Century, while it is also legible, has flair at larger sizes. She kept disagreeing with me, saying I should use something bolder and more contrasting, like Tungsten. It felt like hours had passed before the conversation went anywhere, so I had to give up and look for a sans-serif font that goes with LinoLetter.

So it goes to show that the one who gave me a hard time was adamant Eve, not adamant Steve.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
🚨︎ report
I killed someone while splitting wood today

Im getting off though, they deemed it an axe-ident

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WookaTV
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Wife came out with a cracker of a joke the other morning...

So she's driving me in to work because my car's at the garage having some work done, when there's a sudden beep of horns and a minor road rage incident between two identical cars like this:

https://carleasingmadesimple.com/news/v01/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Mini-Countryman-rear-view-1024x767.jpg

Without even a split second hesitation she comes out with "Well, you'd think their fellow countryman would simply let them merge wouldn't you?".

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NathanJT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2016
🚨︎ report
(step)Dadjoke tonight

So my step dad, mother, and I are on our way home from a pint night tonight when we got onto the conversation of twins. I was going back and forth with my mom, who as a nurse was giving insightful comments on the subject. My step dad quips in and asks if there's any specific parts of the US that are prone to fraternal or identical twins. We both are kinda confused for a second, and my mom says it's not a geographical thing but genetics. He then says he would have thought Minnesota would have been the place. I lost my shit. My mom was confused until she realized it was a baseball dadjoke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jahlovelol
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Magic Dad Joke

The Conversation went like this

Me - Hey dad can you make me a sandwich.

Dad - Abracadabra, you are a sandwich.

I now have an identity crisis

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2015
🚨︎ report
At the winery...

My wife and I are at the winery with my parents and the guy pouring samples is just flirting with all of the women, including my mom and wife, and telling dirty jokes, which is no big deal, but I don't really appreciate him calling wine "panty dropper" when he pours it for my mom. That kind of weird stuff, y'know?

Then he tells a story that he has an identical twin brother, and when they were infants, people would always ask his mother how she tells the two of them apart.

"I can tell them apart by their balls,"

And we're all like, "Jesus, enough with the gross out humor already," but he finishes the joke; "One of the babies bawls all day, the other bawls all night,"

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elbr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Every. Time.

So I'm standing with my dad in the grocery line and he's paying with his credit card.

Cashier: May I have your signature sir? (To verify his credit identity).

Dad: Am I that famous?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xaiqwontai
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2014
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out identity theft is a crime

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up...

...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish-Emotional
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVengefulKitten
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

It turns out that identity theft is a crime.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoftAndMinty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.

It was a queso mistaken identity.

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What do we call identical boobs?

Identities

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/khalid_AF
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.