But all he knew was knock knock jokes.
"It turns out out that they're typically lyres".
They were pioneers.
I said "Are you kidding, I didn't even see the accident." (Props to the Unknown Comic.)
The judge dismissed it as hare say.
I thought about calling the cops but figured I shouldn't disturb him
It was the most crows I've ever seen.
It was poultry in motion at its finest.
That baby goat was fast asleep.
They said "We don't know we've never got this far".
I think he's ok, as he's slowly coming round.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡This guy walks out of a store screaming how they're cheats and frauds. He then proceeds to knock over a mannequin and a few other decorations.
He then buys a coffee, is a jerk to the cashier and then spills some on the floor. He walks away and snaps his fingers at the janitor to clean it up.
The last straw was when he walks up to a group of school kids and starts ranting about how they should drop out of school and rise up against the establishment.
Security finally escorted him out kicking and screaming. Finally things calmed down a bit.
All in all, it was just another dick in the mall.
He dyed on impact.
But as I got closer it flew away
..a duel meaning.
It was a heavy bird into bear.
I only counted 2 crows though, so I guess it was really an attempted murder
Carrie underwood
I counted 13 crows flying due south.
I was at the shopping maul.
>Dad fixing roof.
>ladder falls
Dad "geues ill have to count on you" Son shouts " I WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN"
Yea, I was out back taking a break and at least 50 crows flew by, maybe 100.
Guess that makes me an iWitness.
Does it make you an iWitness?
An iWitness
are you an iWitness?
He woke up like 5 minutes later tho
An I-Witness.
.. but stealing someone’s soap really takes the cake.
Now I'm being called as an iWitness
So after having to explain the 5th dad joke to her she just had enough. She went on a long tirad about how it was constant dad jokes and she never understood them. She was at hers wits end with me and didn't know how she could get me to just stop. As I was backing out of the parking space, over my shoulder it replied, "Maybe you just have a bad dadittude."
He was really tired.
Now I'm an iWitness
They flew over my house, it was really cool!
