I saw a guy steal a bunch of wood from Home Depot… it was a lumber jack.
πŸ‘︎ 160
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toe-knail
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know I used to be a Lumber Jack? It was only during one summer, though.

I just couldn't, hack it.

Because I didn't have the, chops.

So they, gave me the axe.

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was out walking the dogs this morning and someone asked me if they were jack Russels

And I said β€œNo they’re mine”

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I was a on Wheel Of Fortune, and I wrote Jack on my nametag

That's not my real name, I just wanted to make Pat say Jack.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/surebert
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
🚨︎ report
I had to go to a specialist to check out my bladder. The guy I saw was frickin jacked and kept warning me not to forget an umbrella.

I was like what are you some kinda meaty urologist?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WheelyMac
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My mom got a text message

Unknown number: do you want to come fishing with us Jack?

My mom: sure only if Jill is coming with us.

My mom filled two roles while I was growing up, and she has dad jokes. She couldn’t stop laughing about it until they replied.

Unknown number: Who’s Jill?

My mom to me: should I ask about Diane?

Jack and Jill, Jack and Diane.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bottled-Bee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
🚨︎ report
I could only see 51 playing cards on the table

I was surprised to find a Jack in the box

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Got my first shot today! Scheduled for the 2nd one.

And for those of you who are asking if it was Pfizer, Moderna, or J&J:

>!It was Jack Daniels. I couldn't find the other 3. !<

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skylantech
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the skeleton get arrested?

He got caught trying to JACK O LANTERN!

And just so I don’t spam

BONUS JOKE!!!

What did the witch say when she heard her daughter was getting married?

I always SCRY AT WEDDINGS!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Killegos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I was driving with my friends.

We got a flat tire. I was pretty 'tired' but even though I knew 'jack' about cars I told them " 'Wheel' get through this."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TG22515
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. β€œOh Junior,” she said, β€œyou’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. β€œWell Grandma,” he replied. β€œIt’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: β€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: β€œMa, we’re happy, you can’t just-β€œ But she interrupted. β€œNo excuses!” She snapped. β€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coyoteTale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
🚨︎ report
First time dad-joked a friend of mine.

So, last weekend I was on a two days village fair in our neighbourhood with the guys. On saturday, one of them complained about his feet still aching from wearing his new engineer boots the whole friday night AND how he even broke his boot jack at home while taking them off. Took the advantage and said: "Well, you seem to have some trouble with those shoes. Maybe we should send you to a boot camp." Groan

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ummagumma26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
🚨︎ report
I lived in vegas.

I lived in Vegas and the same guy was always asking me for "spare change" at the Market. So one day I brought him a donut ,a lugwrench, and a car jack.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpicyBe-ans
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Texted my girlfriend about her dinner plans

My girlfriend is at the beach with her family this week and we've been texting like we always have. She interupts whatever the conversation is to say, "Hey, we're going to dinner in a bit so I might stop replying." I asked her where she was eating and she said "Tacky Jack's", which I had never heard of. She then explained, "It's a good place to get beach food." And I quickly replied, "Do they have any good sand-wiches?"

She didn't reply after that. Hopefully just because she's eating.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/T-Rex_Rider
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad hit me with another cheesy joke just now.

I'm making enchiladas for my work tomorrow but I forgot to buy baby jack cheese for my cheese enchiladas. I've been calling stores to ask them ahead if they have any, but no store in my neighborhood has it.

I told my dad about my frustrations as I was calling Food 4 Less, and my dad said, "Hey if they don't have it, tell them - tell 'em, 'Well you guys don't have JACK!'"

I then put my hands on my face began groaning as he closed out with, "I perform every Monday through Thursday!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sinabimo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Meet the Jack of all dadjokes!

I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.

So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.

After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

Woman: Are you freezing?

Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)

Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.

and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.

Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Happyazz84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
🚨︎ report
A regular brought her new puppy into work today.

Me: What's his name?

Her: His name is Jackson, I chose it because his dads name is Jack.

I just walk off laughing, It was great.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sickladbro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2015
🚨︎ report
This one is a doozy - Conversation between my dad and his uncle with Parkinson's Disease.

One summer my dad who was a jack of all trades construction worker type, my cousin that's an electrician and my dad's uncle who had Parkinson's disease were all working on an electrical project at my Uncles house. Replacing a power meter is pretty dangerous if the power is not shut off and if you touch the wrong thing, it could very easily kill you.

So here these three men are. My electrician cousin says "Okay, don't friggin touch me. I gotta slide this washer on here and if I touch the sides, I'll fry." So as he's doing this, he's shaking because he's nervous. Eventually he stops to take a breather and my uncle says "Give me that thing." To which my dad responds "Are you crazy? This is not a job for Parkinson's"

My uncle gets kinda bummed and says something about not being able to do anything anymore and my dad tries to cheer him up by saying "Oh come on, there are plenty jobs you can have, Rick".

My uncle says "Yea, like what?"

My dad responds "I dunno... Sifting."

My uncle laughed harder than I had seen him laugh in a long time.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/soupnrc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
🚨︎ report
And they kept rolling...

I was grabbing dinner with a bud and we were talking about me heading to his place to do car work - I don't know how to change my oil nor have the space so I'm doing it at my buds place. The following conversation ensues after we verify plans to change my oil:

Bud: Oh, hey, do you know how to rotate your tires properly?

Me: I know you have to take them off then switch positions.

Bud: No, you jack the car up then spin them a bit!

Guffaws were had.

sidebar, to properly rotate tires, front tires go on opposite back tires and back tires go straight forward Front left goes back right, back right goes front right, etc.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dooky710
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Christmas Dad Joke

Long story short, my dad bought a used truck and worked over every crevice to make sure he wasn't getting a lemon. Well he checked everywhere except the emergency car jack holder: the jack was gone.

So he asks for a jack for Christmas. Being a perfect son, I blew him off and promptly forgot about the whole deal until today, Christmas Day. I apologized and told him, "hey dad, don't worry, I'll get you a car jack later". He looked me dead in the eye and said, "John, why the hell would I want my car jacked?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AllenFromMars
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
🚨︎ report
H.P. dad joke

Was talking with my S.O. who mentioned Jack Gleeson (King Joffery) spoilt the death of Sirius Black in the Order of the Phoenix. When I called him a cunt for it she said "Are you seriously getting annoyed at that?". Her brother interjected "I guess you could say he's a Sirius fan!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyLeprachaun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Saw X-Men: Days of Future Past with my dad today and got one-upped on my dad joke...

Walking out of the theater I said, "All I have to say about Hugh Jackman is that his name is accurate. He was jacked, man!" My dad looks over at me, confused. He goes, "What are Hugh talking about?" Laughs were had.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_grandprize
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Jacked

Our family was out eating at an Italian restaurant. My brothers glasses started fogging up which happens.

Mom: If you want we can always get you contacts.

Brother: No, I don't need them, it's just when my glasses fog up I can't see jack.

Dad: don't worry I'll help you find him "Jack you around?"

This happened in public... People saw. Then whenever people would walk by he would look at my brother and ask if it was Jack.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/premedic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad-Joke @ Work Today---I am so freaking proud of myself.

So I do tech support type stuff for a local company and they were having an issue with the phone, and we resolved that the problem was not the phone, nor the wire. We next tested the phone jack....sure enough, there's the problem. I could hardly contain myself when I told the manager that I found the problem.

"What is it?", he asked.

"It looks like you're one jack off!"

Cracked me up!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mtravisrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.