I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, βDo you want to hear todayβs special?β
I said, βYes please.β
Waiter: βNo problem sir. Today is special.β
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
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︎ Sep 13 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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︎ Dec 18 2020
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
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︎ Nov 03 2020
My son asked me, βDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?β I said, βGo on, then.β He shouted, βNOT THE KRYPTONITE!β I laughed, βThatβs Superman.β
He said, βThanks dad, Iβve been practicing a lot.β
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︎ Apr 27 2019
Just PowerPoint me in the direction you want to go and I will Excel at getting us there.
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︎ Jan 15 2020
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
The waiter said to me, βI just want to let you know that kids eat for free.β
I exclaimed, βGood! Iβll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.β
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︎ Oct 02 2019
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
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︎ May 24 2019
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, βIf you had to pick any date, what would it be?β
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︎ Jan 04 2019
Son: Dad i really want to get into Harvard, any tips you could give me?
Dad: have you tried the gate?
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︎ Nov 29 2018
Apparently, if your girlfriend or wife ever says: "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."
....."Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
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︎ Jan 26 2014
Husband: tonight I want to be generous. Ask me whatever you want in bed...
Wife: ok, please donβt snore
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︎ Mar 23 2018
I called my wife on the way to work, I said when I get home, I want you to do something freaky to me. You know what she said?
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︎ Dec 08 2017
"I'm gonna run to the store, you want anything?" -Me
Dad: Y'know, it'd be quicker if you drove, hur hur!
Or sometimes, Dad: I was gonna ask for ice cream, but if you're not driving, it'll be melted before you get back, hur hur!
Sadly, I've now started saying the first one. <crying>
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︎ Aug 09 2013
Me: Every time I drive by cows I always honk to see if they will turn and look. Dad: You want to know why they don't respond? Me: why? Dad: Because their horns don't work.
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︎ Jan 03 2015
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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︎ Jun 22 2020
My son asked me, βDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?β I said, βGo on, then.β He shouted, βNOT THE KRYPTONITE!β I laughed, βThatβs Superman!β
He replied, βThanks dad! Iβve been practicing a lot!"
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︎ Feb 01 2019
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