No joke here. I just want to tell any dads out there that may be struggling to keep your heads up...
When you look down, all you see is defeat.
I finally figured out what all women want. They just want security.
Because every time I try to approach them, they all yell out 'SECURITY!'.
.
When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep. Just like my grandpa…
Not screaming in terror like the passengers of his car
I want to find a like-minded person to hang out with non-romantically..
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but I’m holding out for a classier part...
...I will not be deterred!!
I had a frozen waterbed once. I didn’t want to thaw it out
But it was too hard not to.
My friend decided he wants to be a podiatrist even though I tried to talk him out of it.
I guess he's put his foot down.
Do you want to know how I got out of Iraq?
A gardener said, "I just finished producing some beets, who wants to check them out?"
The cabin replied, "I only play house music."
The windmill said, "not me, I'm a heavy metal fan."
The backhoe said, "I just dig rock."
The plastic baggie said, "I do, I'm a wrapper!"
I want to make s'mores, but I'm out of graham crackers...
Good thing I have Instagram
I want to write a screenplay about a Hollywood director who camps out in the wilderness until the pandemic passes.
His name is Tentin’ Quarantino.
My friend told me if I want to get out of doing the dishes, try dropping some of them. I tried it, it didn't work.
But then during babysitting.
I want to create a Pink Floyd album cover out of cereal.
I think I’ll call it the dark side of the spoon.
My dad pulled this one out after I said "we want oak floors"
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood. They threw me out and yelled "we don't want your type here!"
My wife asked me if I want to go out to eat for my first father's day
I said, "No. Every mother fucker is going to be out that day."
It took me a second to register what I said, so I turned to her and smiled. She rolled her eyes.
I am a wax strip because I am clingy and would make you want to pull your hair out
Wife told me to take out the trash, so i ask her where she want to eat for dinner tonight.
There's this cute barista I want to ask out...
But I just don't feel like I have a latte offer. I've bean chai-ing to tell her how I feel, but I don't know how to espresso myself. It's a shame, because there really could be something special brewing there. I guess I'm just afraid being roasted.
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
My wife was out for a run and said she had to take an emergency poop in the woods. I want to believe her...
But I think it's a load of crap.
When I go out to eat, the last thing I want, is the dessert.
I've tried eating it first, and that was just wrong!
How I respond when my Vietnamese friend asks if I want to go out to eat.
I would not want to take an airline out of Los Angeles...
The security is always so LAX
My laptop has been having alot of problems latly. I kind of just want to kick it out of my window.
I guess i would really be booting windows then.
[Meta] I made a film about dad-jokes if you want to check it out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQosRqmOJiY
I have a horse that only wants to go out at night.
It's quite a nightmare to ride!
I'm moving out later this year, and my dad wants to turn my room into his office.
Me: Yeah, I figured you could use the space like that, if you didn't wanna just make it into a guest room.
Dad: No. Though I might put a Murphy Bed in there.
Me: Eh... I don't trust Murphy Beds.
Dad: Why not?
Me: Because with those, everything that can go wrong will.
When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...
Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Do you want to know how I got out of Iraq?
So you want to know how I got out of Iraq ?
When I die, I want to go out in my sleep like my Grandpa.
Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
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