I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’
Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!
I can’t believe people are still making Friends references almost 20 years after the show ended.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?”
and it activated the front camera.
I still remember what my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.
He said "how far do you think I can kick this bucket."
To be honest, to this day I'm still in love with my last girlfriend.
So it's a pretty good thing she's my wife, huh?
I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to a boxing match with me. My wife said that its too violent and she's still too young to watch something like that.
So I took her to a hockey game instead.
I hurt my foot a week ago and it's still hurting.
I guess it hasn't fully heeled yet.
I keep telling everyone it's still pi day and they keep asking me why.
I tell them, because everyone knows it goes from 3/14-15.
I just read the most amazing article about a monkey that lost its hands and feet but still managed to feed itself
Even after 30 years together, my wife still thinks I'm sexy.
Just the other day I walked past her and she said, "Look at that arse."
It's Winter, but I'm still on my Summer diet...
...I'll have Summer that, Summer that, and Summer that.
I've heard that head injuries can cause memory loss, but I still don't wear a bike helmet.
I don't even remember the last time I fell off my bike.
I haven't seen my personal trainer since last year but the results are still showing. She was great and I really miss her. I just wanted to give you guys details on the new campaign I'm launching for her:
"Abs Since May" kickstart, go fund her!
I think snow is still in love with me
It keeps falling for me every winter
my mother-in-law asked me if i routinely exercise still
I told her yes, every month i run out of money.
Here's an old one I still chuckle at: There's an upcoming Hollywood action film about classical musicians...
The cast, made up of high-profile action stars, were choosing their roles.
Sylvester Stallone went "I want to be Mozart!". Bruce Willis said "Then I'll be Beethoven!" and Jean
-Claude Van Damme, "I'll go with Tchaikovsky".
After a moment of silence, Arnold Schwarzenegger stood up, looked at everyone in the room, and said "I'll be Bach".
Still need to settle my debt with the devil for the wig I had off him before it goes any further
Or there will be hell toupee
You know, this happens every year. I tell myself it’s the end of the Christmas season and not to get too emotional. The holiday season has to end sometime and we have a whole new year ahead. But still, when I take down the tree…
I can’t help but get a little sappy.
My Wife asked how i can eat so many corndogs and still keep my figure.
I guess im just a fair guy.
I invented a camping shelter geared towards dads but am still waiting on some final approval for the design
I can’t believe they’re still together. After all the crap they’ve seen.
I’m still mad about the time I went to Blockbuster Video as a kid and tried to rent Batman Forever…
…but they only let me rent it for a few days
An older man was lounging on the sofa one evening with his glasses off. His wife joined him, and began slowly running her fingers through his hair. After a few moments she said, “You know, honey, without your glasses on, you still look just like the young, handsome man I married 50 years ago”…
The husband replied, “Thanks honey… Without my glasses on, so do you.”
Dad: I can't believe they're still together after all the shit they've been through.
Me: Who are you talking about?
Dad: My butt cheeks!
An actual conversation I just had with my dad in which I did face palm and yelled "Son of a bitch!"
Kid: I'm taking history again and I still don't get it
me: If you don't learn history you are doomed to repeat it
My grandfather was on the Titanic and as far as I know, he still is!!
My wife is actually okay with the fact that I still live with my ex-girlfriend.
Although she prefers I don't call her that.
I still miss my ex wife a lot
But my aim is improving, I'll get her soon
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
She said, "You are an 8 on a scale of 10".
Made m'self laugh (i still send it to people as one of my greatest works)
I loaned my grandfather clock to my friend and he still hasn't returned it...
Can I still make a Suez Canal joke?
Or has that ship already sailed?
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
I lost my hair years ago, but I still carry a comb.
I just can’t part with it.
The most beautiful series puns I've seen in a while ❤️ still lol'ing
I was a strong believer in renewable energy until someone convinced me that burning fossil fuel is still viable.
Were they gaslighting me?
In 2017 I didn't jog. In 2018 I didn't jog. In 2019 I didn't jog. In 2020 I still haven't jogged.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
I haven't installed any bell in my house, though I still haven't been called to collect my...
I lost my favorite backpack months ago, and it’s still traumatic…
I… just can’t put it behind me.
I still tell Chuck Norris jokes from time to time.
He laughs most of the time.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I started following Gwen Stefani on Twitter. Months went by and she still hadn’t followed me back. I messaged her to ask why…
And she said, “I ain’t no follow-back girl.”
"Siri, why am I still single?"
Siri activates front camera.
I still remember what my dad said before kicking the bucket
He said "hey, how far do you think I could kick this bucket?".
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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