I asked my SO if she knew my favorite letter. She said "No, what is it?" I said "It's u." She responded "aww I love youuuuuuuu" To which I replied...

"I love u too. It's my favorite letter."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuckiDucki
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: I very much love my arms. Do u know why?

Me: Why? Dad: Because I'm very attached to them.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scofield504
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I texted my daughter today saying "I love u"…

She replied, "Oh, really? :)"

I said, "Yes, it's my favourite vowel."

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Looking for space puns!

My fiance and I are getting married at Kennedy Space Center. We're looking for a good space + love/wedding pun for our website. Written in the Stars is too cheesy. We're leaning toward "One Giant Leap". Any other suggestions?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeggyGrex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Asking my boyfriend to HOCO

My boyfriend and I love Jew puns. So I'm thinking of asking him like "Lets take a shower at HOCO" or "Will jew go to hoco with me" Lets bake it at hoco. Any ideas?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/protein_mami
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Getting a girl to go to prom with me, with a great pun?

I wanna ask a girl to prom this year, and I know she loves my puns, so I wanna pun my way to ask her. I feel this time it's okay to steal some ideas, for this to go well. :) can someone give me a good pun to help drop the question of going to prom together? Thanks so much!!! Wish me luck!!! :) :) :)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smileforthefans
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
🚨︎ report
Grandfather clock got fixed

My dad loves his puns.

Dad informs me his girlfriend finished fixing the grandfather clock by replacing a broken weight. Ends it with, "boy that sure is a weight off her shoulders."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slimer64
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Chemistry puns

My chemistry teacher loves making puns at every chance she gets, so she always comes up with interesting names for the chapters we learn.

Ch 1 & 3: What's the matter? (The chapter was obviously about matter)

Ch 4: Speaking periodically (about the periodic table)

Ch 5 & 6: Bond, chemical bond (about chemical bonds)

Ch 7: Holey Moley! (about converting measurements to moles)

Ch 8: My chemical reaction (about chemical reactions)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meganjoella
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
🚨︎ report
Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wavepoolsquad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned.

Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zthazel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said, β€œYou really have no sense of direction, do you?”

I said, β€œWhere did that come from?”

Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0 K boomer

Credit: u/jamaisvu99

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TatersArePrecious
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Pun request?

Not sure if this is allowed here. But I thought I’d give it a try.

I’m buying a stand mixer for my SO’s birthday. I was looking to add a note to the gift that’s punny. β€œI hope the treats you make with this are as sweet as you”. That ones terrible. I think?

But I would definitely love some help. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMWasap
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.

Every one reading this is on the same page.

Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chordus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

Me: Cats. Cats love fish.

πŸ‘︎ 598
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm working on a device that can read minds

I'd love to hear your thoughts

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir-Fntrf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning:

"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."

I love it when these things occur in nature!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
What is a pirate's favorite letter?

He likes the "r", but he loves the "c"!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrassOrchidBlades
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Need Hella Puns

https://preview.redd.it/wa3s3ozxftc61.png?width=4500&format=png&auto=webp&s=04f10d36e95914e4d39ec2312ce5176a062911b1

Who thinks they're punny?! πŸ˜œβ €β €I sketched this Hellraiser holding a cactus and thought it'd make a cute Valentine's Day card. I'm in the process of colouring it and I want YOU to help me caption it.β €

I've asked the question on IG (@ashrobertsondesign) but didn't get a lot of feedback so I'm reaching out here. Gimme your best prick, point, hell, etc. related puns n make it about love πŸ”₯

I'll choose a favourite from the comments and turn it into a FREE Valentine's Day card printable.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashtrobertson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can you never trust a hedgefund managers fashion advice?

They claim to love shorts but are always seen in pants.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unluckycowboy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My buddy Miles went on a Europe trip after his graduation.

He loved the culture so much he changed his name to Kilometres.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jay-ay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What's a lawyer's favorite kind of underwear?

Briefs, but sports writers love boxers, and special forces soldiers go commando.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Birds

What sport do birds love?

Crow-quet

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ironhawk4god
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad always used to say β€˜out with the old and in with the new’.

Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer...

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Personally, though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SydneyCartonLived
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the technician sing to the broken computer?

Trouble-soothing.

My son loves this one with online learning. I only had to explain to him what troubleshooting was 4 times!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrangeCandi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What do plants and homies have in common?

I love watching them grow

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
The creator of Mad Libs passed away

His friends described him as a round and pulpy man who loved his wife and penguins. He will be deeply pooped.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imnotarobot12764
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at a Star Wars themed restaurant.....

I had Sky Walker soup. Wookie steak and Death Star ice cream.

The starter and the dessert were lovely, but the main course was a bit chewy.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My 5 year old came up with this one. What is a skeleton's favorite weapon?

A bone and arrow (Kid loves to play minecraft sooo... yeah)

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emilytaege
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...

... I love it when the clocks go forward!

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman gets on the bus..

A woman gets on the bus with her baby, and the driver says:

"Jesus wept lass, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Understandably, she's very upset. But she goes and sits down toward the back next to a nice old lady.

The old lady next to her leans in as she sits down, she heard the whole thing, and she says to her:

"I wouldn't take that if I were you petal... If I were you, I'd go back up there and rip him a new one!... Go on love... ... I'll hold your monkey"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife got me with a jungle themed joke (Long-ish)

So we’ve got this FisherPrice Projector Mobile thing that projects a rotating imaging onto the ceiling. (Very nice little thing, highly suggest for babies)

Anyways... We’ve got it set up in the living room and Wife, Son, and I are laying on the ground in the dark watching it go round and round. It’s Jungle Themed, so a lion, elephant giraffe, tiger, a few monkeys, and so on...

We’re pointing out the different animals to Son and he’s repeating a few words here and there... When he starts waving and saying β€œHi” as a new animal rotates in.

So Wife goes, β€œHere comes the Lion. Can you say Hi to the Lion?”

And Son waves and says β€œHi!” and giggles.

Wife: β€œAnd there’s an Elephant! Can you Hi to the Elephant?”

Son: β€œHi... toots”

Wife: β€œYes! Toots! And here’s the next animal. Can you wave to the tiger?”

Son: β€œHi!”

Wife: β€œThat’s the β€˜Hi of the Tiger’”

Me: β€œ... πŸ’€ πŸ’€ πŸ’€β€

Wife: β€œYou love me... Look Son! A Zebra!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Desdomen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed

It was a lovely service...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The best safe word to use during sex is β€œmeatloaf”

Because it means, β€œI would do anything for love, but I won’t do that”

πŸ‘︎ 683
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.

Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
To America

You're so last year

Love New Zealand

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/me_he_te
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I texted my wife today saying, "I love u!"

She replied, "Oh, really? :~)"

I said, "Yes, it's my favourite vowel."

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you date tennis players?

Because love means nothing to them

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Henboi2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

β€œA cat” I said. β€œCats love fish.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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