I like unisex clothes Because without clothes, there will be u n i, and sex

Source: https://www.facebook.com/565020737304743/posts/652749971865152/

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holomadd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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Smiling like a fool, lifting her veil, looking longingly into my beloved's eyes, I whispered, "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes Y."

The priest then turned to her.

"And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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I took a survey of everyone's favorite letter, and it turns out nobody likes U
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/armsofasquid
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I wrote a haiku...

Well, really, more like a pun, Leaving. A β€œbye-ku”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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An accidental pun

Setting: My partner and I are sitting on the couch watching the Leafs v Bruins hockey game

Background: my partner loves puns, LOVES them and makes like 20+ pun jokes a day. I’m horrible with puns and have made like two in my entire life.

Here’s what happened: Hockey game: Boston dude is on the ground, leafs dude is on top of him, looks like there’s going to be a fight

Me: looks like there’s a fight a-brewin’

Partner: BRUIN! A-BRUIN (chuckles manically)

Me: damn, I just fell backwards right into that

Him: of course you didn’t do it on purpose (still chuckling, high fives me)

I was so impressed with my accidental pun My first thought was - I have to share this on reddit! (He’s still chuckling, btw)

Edited for formatting (mobile user, yada yada)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuspiciousFun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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help me with a pun for this salad!!

my work names all our salads like a pun... for example a cobb is β€œcobb your enthusiasm”

anyways, we’re getting a NiΓ§oise salad and they take suggestions for names... any of you have any puns you could think of?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leilaluxe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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Need help!

Does anyone have any good magazine/reporter puns? I'm the editor of a student magazine and we'd like a pun to put on our shirts. We can always go with the old standby "we have issues" but I'm sure someone somewhere has something funnier.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethestars
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2014
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Wrote and sent this to a girl on OkCupid who said she liked cheesy puns. No response.

So you like cheesy puns, eh? Well you've Comte the right place. I can Feta bunch of Gouda puns into one Muenster-sized sentence. None of the other tools in the Cheddar quite as sharp as I am, at least when it comes to cheese puns. Whoever will lend an o-Paneer will be in Whey over their heads. So look out Baylough, I'm dropping a Bandal of comedy gold that will make your Bra and Pantysgawn.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/malagrond
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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Help with a David Bowie pun?

I would like to combine a Bowie song lyric/title and a business involving cakes and flowers but I am really bad at puns. If I could get some help that would be awesome. I mostly would like the pun to revolve around cake, but if it could include that and flowers that would be amazing.

Also awesome: David Bowie song titles/lyrics that are already applicable (i.e. "Sweet Thing")

I'm super awful at puns so any and all attempts are much appreciated!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_death_at_614
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
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My wife isn't hungry anymore...

About to throw some meat on the grill and said "I'm so glad we're married." She asked me why, and I replied, " so this won't be a miss-steak." I think I'm eating alone tonight.

UPDATE: she decided to meat me at the table, grill me about my sense of humor and wine about how I wasn't funny. At least my daughter likes my puns.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coachlasso
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2015
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Been too sick (flu) to give my son his daily doses of dad jokes...

(Son wanting to be amused while I'm writing around with a terrible case of flu.)

Me: "I'm sorry, buddy. I'm dying here." Son: "If you die, who will tell me stupid jokes?" Me: "I'll come back from the grave to torture you with stupid dad jokes." Son: "Like a zombie?" Me: "Like the pun-dead."

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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I told my parents I was bisexual

My dad asked, "so you like both men and women?"

I responded with, "yeah, but I'm not seeing anyone right now"

He said, "so you must be on stand-bi"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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It FINALLY happened.

Almost 40 and growing my beard out for the first time. Wife finally says "You know I'm starting to like it." And I could finally say "Yeah. It's growing on me."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1284X
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.

You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"

They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.

Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCKANNON
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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My girlfriend totally changed when she became a vegan

It's like I never knew herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pattersonjeffa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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Waiter: β€œHow do you like your steak, sir”?

Sir: β€œLike winning an argument with my wife”.

Waiter β€œRare it is!”.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boredhanda
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives

I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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You know it's a great dadjoke when you say something and your family groans, but the stranger dad behind you laughs.

I was out looking at beds with the family.

Wife: "I really like this bed."

Me: "I like it too, but I think this one is bedder."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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I accidentally used the dog shampoo today....

I'm feeling like such a good boy.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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I was going through the checkout when my card didn't work. The cashier said that I should try the card again.

I looked down at my shirt and said, "but I like my polo".

I had to explain it, but once she got it she thought it was hilarious. I'm very proud of this joke.

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaGeek247
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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I've placed simultaneous orders for a rotisserie chicken on Uber Eats, and for an egg omelette on DoorDash

Looks like we're about to find out, once and for all, what comes first!

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeneReddit123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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Living with my friend Cole can be tough sometimes.

He's got all these really weird rules you have to follow, like whenever you eat cabbage, he insists you have to eat it with mayonnaise.

It's just Cole's law.

(Thought of this one whilst trying to come up with puns to annoy my husband. He abhors dad jokes, and receiving this look -_- means I did a good job.)

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arthur_nemosnax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oliumzen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

It’s like I’d never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 450
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_morgarita_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Pun needed

Hey guys! I am getitng a puppy in a few months and her name is supposed to be Zoe. However since she is pure golden retriever because of some laws her full name has to to be β€œGive me your β€˜name’” and I want it to be some kind of pun containing the word β€œZoe” since that what she’s gonna be called like Zoedorable but something that matches the sentence and I though that maybe you guys can help.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeDotOu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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A daughter was lesbian and came out to her dad

β€œI like women, dad”

He replied with, β€œLol same”

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsaar21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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My pizza cutter broke so I used a Bryan Adam’s CD.

It cuts like a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!

Like, seriously. How low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedudenamedjay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Things dads say...

Dads love saying β€˜that was fast’ when someone leaves but returns straight away because they forgot something.

Dads love answering the phone β€˜yelllllow’.

Dads love saying β€˜they don’t make things like they used to’ whenever something breaks.

Dads love teaching kids how to play 52 card pickup.

Dads love saying β€˜what’s the damage’ when handed a bill for something.

Dads love saying β€˜pull my finger’ and farting when you do.

Dads love saying β€˜Jeez Louise!’.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkady2009
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I just released my own fragrance.

Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glorbog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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My oldest son just came in...

...and asked me, "Mom, how well can you hold your beer?"

"I don't like beer."

"Ok, your drink, then."

"Pretty damn well, better than you for sure."

"What if your glass was slippery?"

Ugh... he's only 15 and ready to be a dad, it seems. I threw my box of tissues at him.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrailMomKat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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How do you like them apples?

Mom was freaking out that we ate all the apples.

"I just bought them, yesterday!! It's not like they..."

"...grow in trees?" Dad finished.

All of us kids were cracking up and dad is now having a private talk with mom.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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Why can't Santa have any kids?

Because he has popcorn balls.

-I make a point to tell my wife this one every year around Christmas. Eye roll means she liked it, right?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blizzard_a_foz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
So what if I can't spell apocalipse"?

It's not like it's the end of the world.

πŸ‘︎ 355
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Enrage
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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His son asked him β€œWhat does it mean to be a Man?”...

He replied: A man is someone who is responsible and takes care of his family.”

Son: I hope one day I grow up to be a man just like Mom!

πŸ‘︎ 877
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buddhabitch11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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why do poets never keep there weapons still?

They want to be like shake spear

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoesMemories
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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I quit my job as a treadmill tester.

I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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