A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
I Was Told You Might Like My Valentines Day Cards ;)
Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
Before I met my wife my love life was hot like the Sahara desert.
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
My wife acts like she doesn't know that I'm Joking
But then, I remember that she is JoQueen.
My children do the same thing, but then they're just kidding
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather.
Not like the people screaming in his car
I used to not like my body hair
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
I like my memes to be like Bengay
I didn’t like my new haircut at first
But now it’s growing on me.
This summer when I dug potatoes from my garden, they all were shaped like a letter from the alphabet...
My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked “what’s going to happen, am I going to be alright?”
My friend: I like both men and women.
Me: Oh.. so you're Bi-den?
I'd like to tell you my favorite tongue-twister.
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market
I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!
My son thinks I'm so cool for being able to talk like Cookie Monster and Elmo.
I guess you could say I have Sesame Street cred.
I like talking to my kids about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
I like writing my name in cursive.
I'd like to plug my wife's attempt to cross the Atlantic in a bath tub.
But it's too late....she sank.
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
Today I asked my dad how he was feeling. He said ‘like a car’
When I play battleship I like to arrange my ships in the shape of states...
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"
She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”
In my free time, I like to help blind people.
I wanted to be a multi millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a multi millionaire too.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
I like to advertise my homemade fruit preserves at clubs.
Whenever a song comes on, I’ll hold up a jar and say, “This is my jam!”
My daughter asked what pig milk tastes like. I said it's sower.
The cannibal said to his mother, "I don't like my vegetables."
Mother says, "well, just eat your wife."
Amazon delivered my new Ninja professional blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
I got my son a PS5 like he wanted... the note read...
Dear son,
Merry Christmas!
PS: do your homework.
PPS: do your chores.
PPPS: go outside and play and stop playing video games
PPPPS: you're a fatboy, fattie. You eat too much crap food.
PPPPPS: we're shipping you off to military school next year!
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China
He says he can't complain
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I wanted to be a multi millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a multi millionaire too.
When I die, I want to go out peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...
Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.
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